Clockwise from top-left: M.P. Peter MacKay (Conservative-Central Nova); Governor General Michaelle Jean; and M.P. Shark (Aquatic Predator Party-Atlantic Ocean) enjoy the rising political popularity of seal meat

What’s the hottest, safest political position for Ottawa politicians to take these days? “Support our troops”? “We gotta invest in our children”? “Help out Main Street, not Wall Bay Street”? “Job creation is our priority”?

Nope! The trendy position for hot politicians who want to be seen is “I fucking love seals getting their heads smacked with icepicks!”

We all know that Michaelle Jean grossed out the world by swallowing down a slimy serving of seal-heart sashimi, after which Peter MacKay, never one to be left out, tried some raw seal meat of his own. Now everyone in Ottawa wants a piece of the hottest accessory of the season, a splayed-out butchered seal carcass!

Read more »

Deleted scene from "Helena & Rahim Go To White Castle"

Former Conservative MP and husband of Helena “Happy Fucking Birthday” Guergis is reportedly recovering in the hospital, nursing lacerations to his lower hand after receiving a VICIOUS slap on the wrist from Ontario courts!

Jaffer, you’ll remember, was busted last year for plowing through a village with a 50 KM/h speed limits doing 93 clicks, being pulled over, being drunk, and for possessing some sort of magical white nose-candy. Drunk driving, possession of a narcotic, oh boy, this guy’s DONE! He’s headed for the big house! Send my regards to the guards at Kingston Pen, buddy! He- wait, what?

Oh right, he’s a famous politician! He got a careless driving charge and had to pay 500 bucks. Your courts hard at work!

Jaffer, a staunch anti-drug activist, somehow got the more-serious coke charges dropped. Either he successfully argued that he didn’t have possession (”Ossifer, I schwear, tha’ss not mai coke… *hic*”) or maybe the cops found it on an illegal search, which invalidates the charge. Or maybe he just snorted the whole baggy up right in front of the cops, and slurred “Where’z yer evidenthse nowwww, CSI: Palgrave, Ontario?” Or maybe he’s just a rich well-connected asshole and the rules don’t apply to him.

Read more »

Hey, 'dja hear about this?

I was going to write a SERIOUS BUDGET RESPONSE, like everyone else’s doing, but that just wouldn’t suit our… style. Instead, here’s this.

On Monday, two older men – their hair graying, their eyes full of doe-eyed innocence – stepped back in front of the cameras with their finest suits freshly dry-cleaned, ready to return to work after a long time away from their famous desk. They’d taken a controversial break that had been panned by the media in order to get a fresh start at their job. In fact, they’re both hated by the media, and it seems most people you talk to hate them. But somewhere out there, a slight majority of the country – the quiet,  white, middle-aged, Wal-Mart shopping masses – admire this man.

One of them was Jay Leno returning to the Tonight Show he abandoned. One of them was Stephen Harper returning to the Parliament he prorogued.

Yes, we’re comparing the Prime Minister to Jay Leno. This ain’t exactly The Economist you’re reading, bub.

In each case, these were beleaguered public figures who would be trying to regain public sympathy after their controversial breaks from the spotlight. Jay Leno was condemned publicly for what seemed like his bullying, nonchalant attitude towards Conan O’Brien, the man whose job he was taking, and for a series of uninspired TV spots that did nothing to apologize for, or even mention, the controversy at hand. Harper had been at the Olympics, and was publicly condemned for his bullying, nonchalant attitude towards Parliamentary procedure, and for hiding behind the Canadian flag for 2 weeks at the Olympics while failing to apologize for, or even mention, the prorogation.

All eyes were on their return, waiting to hear the material they’d prepared in their off-time. For Jay, it would be his first week back – his monologues, his interviews, his general demeanor – people needed to know that he was worthy of the Tonight Show, they wanted him to prove he still had it, that during all of this two month-long bullshit he’d been preparing material to blow us away. For Harper, it would be the throne speech and budget – two long-awaited announcements that had been stored away during prorogation, people needed to know that work had been accomplished during the vacation and needed to have their needs met by a government with shaky confidence levels.

In each case, they dropped the ball.

Read more »

-Matt

Hey Americans, how do you like our national anthem? You might've heard it in Vancouver, about 14 times.

A new trend is sweeping the nation: contemporary music with increasingly sexist themes is being heard from coast to coast, and little is being done about it. A hit song called “O Canada”, written by Quebecois rapper Calixa Lavallee in 1880, is spreading its message of sexist hatred across the nation. This song’s vulgar message was reportedly omnipresent during the recent Winter Olympics, and is now even in our public schools. I’ll give you a taste of this song’s misogynistic, sexist nonsense, but don’t say I didn’t warn you:

“True patriot love / In all thy sons command”

Filth. Luckily, OUTRAGE IS BREWING!

The Parliament’s going to “consider” doing “research through a Parliamentary committee” to see whether or not, maybe, there’s a possibility, that lyrics changes could be considered, to something more inclusive like “In all of us command”. In other words, nothing’s happening, and nothing’s going to happen. Stop frothing at the mouth about preserving our proud heritage, crazy-eyed National Post columnists ready to pounce. There’s probably no story here, considering that the idea of changing the anthem lyrics to be more inclusive is about 3 decades old by now, and nothing’s changed yet.

But still, let’s all get outraged!

Read more »

This is a Serious Politics hat. SHE'S SERIOUS ABOUT POLITICS, LIKE US.

WELCOME BACK, POLITICS! We missed you! Our Olympic break was fun, though, we got to post all sorts of silly things as the OFFICIAL CANADIAN™ POLITICS BLOG OF THE VANCOUVER™ 2010™ OLYMPICS™, writing about sexy curlers and acid flashbacks and Nickelback, but now we have to put our Serious Hat back on to make Serious Posts about the adult matter of Politics, which apparently just returned to Ottawa!

Also, Roll Up The Rim started again, in terms of national breaking news we have to report. So go forth and suck back a cup of warm, cream-diluted, African-inventin’ burnt patriotism and half-heartedly slip the slimy lid up until you see “RÉESSAYEZ S.V.P.” before continuing with one smooth motion into the trashbin toss.

Hey, remember Canadian Against Proroguing Parliament? Of course you do, you’re probably a damn member of the thing. If you’re still too old to be using Facebook (an age barrier which creeps upward by the day – it currently sits around 38), then you’ve at least heard about this group, since it’s been filling column spaces, creating blog buzz and was probably even mentioned on CTV Newsnet, to the delight of all 17 people who watch that channel. (Edit: I actually checked Wikipedia, and apparently the channel’s now called CTV News Network, and has been called that for like half a year – what the Lisa LaFuck?) This Canadians Against Proroguing Parliament Facebook group was a big deal, see, because it was supposed to usher in some new era of grassroots political involvement across the country. Political involvement, social media, today’s youth, grassroots, new media, web 2.0, et-fucking-cetera.

These people met on Facebook, and then met up in the real world without supervision? Did they learn nothing about internet safety from Bert & Gert?

Back in February the Facebook group actually did stage something of a coup, when their 200,000+ members managed to actually translate into something happening in the real world! 15,000-odd people showed up for rallies/parades across the country to protest the proroguing. As we all know by now, Stephen Harper listened, and decided not to prorogue parliament Yeah, not much happened, but from the sounds of the media coverage, this was just the tip of the iceberg as this Facebook group was supposedly brewing a political revolution across the country – like the American Tea Baggers, except without the fat, racist, pill-addled Walmart-greeter wingnuts in Confederate flag-Snuggies.

Read more »

PART FIVE: I believe in the power of old white guys talking for a long time

If there's a better way to show your gravitas as a political leader than by acting like a piss-drunk prep-squad cheerleader, I don't know it

And as John Ferguson takes to the mic, honestly, all I have to say: “WELL, YOU ASKED FOR MORE FUCKING FRENCH, YOU GOT IT!” It seems cruel to rip this guy more since everyone on the continent has already ridiculed his offensively bad thrashing of the French language. It started with “Bomb Sawyer” for “Bon Soir” and went downhill from there. I was making an odd mixture of a giggle and a groan anytime a word of mimicked pidgin-french dribbled out of his lips.

We’re talking worse than Reform Party-level french.

Then he did a whole bunch of painfully awkward back-patting patriotism, including a forced “eh”, a word which none of us actually use unless we’re trying to seem drunk and harmless to Americans.

He said that athletes were the “wind beneath his wings“, without a hint of irony or anything that would forgive using such a hackneyed line.

He was trying to explain that Canadians were the most humble, polite people on Earth. Then he went on about how Canada is the best fucking country ever, and bragged about how we won at hockey. (Reminder: this is the official address to the planet after the Olympic closing ceremonies, not Coach’s Corner I’m describing.)

Then Jacques Rogge tried to pretend that he hadn’t just watched all of that butchery of the beautiful French tongue, and called the Vancouver games…. the best ever? Not quite. But “excellent, and very friendly games.” Jesus. Them’s fightin’ words.

And then, amid groans of “awww”, the games were closed. That’s it. The Olympics were done. Nothing to watch on your couch in your pyjamas. No more biathlon terminology to learn. No more Brian Williams telling you the current time in the Eastern time zone. No more goddamn “I Believe”. It’s over.

…

And now, LET THE INSANITY BEGIN!

Read more »

Before I begin my discussion of what on Earth just happened in Vancouver that 3 billion innocent people were allegedly exposed to, I’d first like to explain the term “troll”. In an online context, a troll is someone who gains pleasure from the displeasure of others. They often put painstaking hours towards creating long, elaborate posts full of lies and slander in online discussions meant to confuse and infuriate. The bewildered reactions they get is what fuels their bizarre infatuation with ruining legitimate online discussion.

I’m pretty sure Canada just trolled the world.

Sit back and think about what just happened. Our nation was given the task of putting together a 3-hour extravaganza to satisfy the varied tastes of a diverse planet.

We produced a series of bizarre inside jokes, shoulder-patting shout-outs, unintentional comedy and Avril Lavigne.

I’m convinced this was some sort of entirely-intentional form of prankery. It was Andy Kaufman via Kids In The Hall. We took the millenia-old Olympian tradition, the largest media and sporting event on earth, and turned it into what Royal Canadian Air Farce might have come up with for a “Canadian stereotypes” sketch in their unfunny years. All coated in a Velveeta-cheesy sheen of beer-commercial patriotic schtick, with a revolving door of “special guests” like a 70s variety show, and a series of moments that left a bewildered planet asking: seriously, what the fuck is up with Canada?

PART ONE: The Greatest Thing Ever.

Read more »