Well, fuck. Nevermind

May 3rd, 2011

After tonight, I think I’ll just go ahead and go back to that jail.

Fuck this fucking country.

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Sorry I haven’t posted all year. Especially during an election cycle, which was ostensibly the whole point of this blog.

I was in jail.

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May 1st, 2011

More importantly, currently on Sun TV News: two guys talking about how much Jack Layton sucks, as the bottom scrolls says “By the way, one of the most historic moments of the 21st century has occurred.” Thank God Sun TV News wasn’t around on July 21, 1969: “TRU-D’OH! PIERRE FLIP FLOPS! In other stories, man lands on moon.”

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2010 Year In Review

December 31st, 2010

2010 in Canadian politics was quite the year. We had heroes, villains, action, drama, tragedy, all of the things that a good cinematic tour de force (or, Jersey Shore) requires to be compelling. And because I want to dash off an article before I start drinking heavily and watching the awful half-dead zombies that are the Air Farce crew wheeled out of their deathbeds to do another painful New Year’s special (CHICKEN CANNON!) , I’ll go ahead and dash off a best-of article and then hit the bottle.

So here’s a rundown of the year that was in MapleRag articles!

JANUARY: Harper does the shuffle, we do the analysis! Our analysis of the January cabinet shuffle, back when we actually did analysis.

FEBRUARY: The Opening Ceremonies, or: Are all Canadians on LSD? MapleRag’s highest-viewed article ever! During the Vancouver Olympics we changed our layout to become the OFFICIAL POLITICS BLOG OF THE OLYMPICS (and we weren’t even sued!) and wrote a bunch of articles about our nation’s heroic patriotic circle-jerk.

MARCH: The Tweety Awards! Our Tweety Awards, honouring the best in political Tweeting, actually got a response from some noob who handles media for Sukh Dhaliwal’s campaign! It’s like we’re a real media outlet!

APRIL: Mayoral Kombat! I got to talk about Toronto mayoral candidates, and also made a bunch of Mortal Kombat references. In retrospect, I was likely drunk.

MAY: Queen Victoria died for your right to sit on a dock and drink! That picture of Queen Victoria – I probably stole it off Wikipedia – is the #2 result when you search for “Queen Victoria” in Google Image Search, making that image the most popular thing on my site. I’m so proud.

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As if you needed more proof.

Immigration Minister Jason Kenney has dropped a bombshell in international political circles with a major, groundbreaking announcement settling centuries of debate: Santa Claus is a Canadian citizen.

The repercussions for us as Canadians cannot be understated.

For those not familiar with Santa Claus, he is a man who lives at the North Pole building toys, only to give them out free of charge to all of the good [also, Christian -ed.] children of the entire Earth on a single night, a night which coincidentally coincides with the birth of Jesus. A noted recluse, he is completely sheltered from the outside world and the media, save for rare occasions in which cartoon characters somehow injure him and are forced to perform the duties of Santa for the night.  Little is known about the man, his motives for running a massive toy-giving scheme, or his suspicious relationship with world governments that allow Santa into their airspace to perform countless acts of home invasion on an annual basis.

Now that we know that Santa is a Canadian citizen, what will this mean for our government’s major portfolios of responsibility?

Peter MacKay, National Defence: While Santa may at first appear to be a menace to international military forces by being virtually undetectable by modern radar and violating a number of international air space restrictions, the news that Santa is a Canadian citizen could be huge for our Defence department. While the controversy over a $9-billion purchase of F-35 fighter jets still looms, it’s interesting to note that Santa currently possesses an aircraft capable of travel at speeds scientists calculate at several times the speed of light. Run only on the occasional carrot left out by children and emitting zero carbon emissions, Santa’s crew of eight flying reindeer (with recent Wikileaks cables mentioning a ninth, red-nosed, possible alcoholic reindeer) could theoretically be bred, trained, equipped and combat-ready with the Canadian Military for deployment in Afghanistan as tactical high-speed weapons within a year. Furthermore, in war time Santa’s seemingly unlimited manufacturing resources could be converted into a near-infinite source of munitions for allied forces.

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Prime Minister Harper taking part in 90s-era festivities

OTTAWA (CP) – With apparent inspiration from the National Hockey League’s successful Heritage Classic and Winter Classic annual events featuring games played in outdoor settings with nostalgic vintage uniforms, noted hockey fan Prime Minister Stephen Harper has decided to implement a similar festive throwback event within the halls of the Canadian government.

Standing at a podium flanked by neon-green “REFORM in ‘97″ campaign sign, the Prime Minister spoke to the press in a drab, navy blazer with mismatched slacks and a gawdy Reform campaign button, a look reminiscent of the uniforms worn by his party in the 1990s. “Ladies and gentlemen, inspired by the rich nostalgia evoked by the National Hockey League’s commitment to its roots and heritage, I’d like to welcome you to Throwback Day on Parliament Hill,” the Prime Minister said before a pool of reporters.

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Snap [Election], Crackle & Pop

December 15th, 2010

Artist's rendition of how a snap election in the near future might look

Feel that? A rush of warm air in the frigid, dry winter air? That hot tingle running up your leg? Feeling all fuzzy inside? It’s ELECTION SPECULATION FEVER SEASON! Have you got the FEVER?

The Conservatives have introduced their new Human Smuggling bill, and everyone hates it! The Liberals and NDP are gonna vote against it! But what if the Tories make the bill a confidence issue? Chaos! Human sacrifice, cats and dogs living together, mass hysteria! After the 6-week Parliamentary Christmas vacation (if you’re not jealous of 6-week vacations, you’re either a teacher or pro football player), a vote of no confidence could mean a sudden 2011 SNAP ELECTION!

Is the tingle up to your torso yet? This is exciting! This is why you read politics blogs!

Elections! SNAP ELECTIONS! Snappier than normal elections!

But, wait, alright, let’s call calm the shit down for a second – why would anyone WANT to have an election in 2011?

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