Curling is a drinking-based sport played by chubby old men in sleepy prairie hamlets consisting of sweeping a broom against an ice surface while everyone screams dirty-sounding verbs at each other. It’s simultaneously the best and most stupid pastime that we as Canadians have. Every year, the best female curlers in the country (and by extension probably the best in the world as well, as Canada’s the only country who gives enough of a shit about this silly sport to participate in any great numbers) gather in some God-forsaken corner of this country’s vast emptiness (Sault Ste Marie, Ontario this year!) to slide, sweep and look moody after they just missed a Goddamn open takeout, for God’s sake Jennifer Jones, what kind of trash was that? But I digress.

While the real tournament is still ongoing as the provinces battle for supremacy on the ice, the real battle has already been decided off the ice: who the hottest curlers in the tournament are. Is it crude, ignorant and prejudiced to rate professional athletes solely based on their physical appearance just because they’re female? Of course. But we’re not a curling blog, so deal with it. (We’re apparently a politics blog, but, y’know, PROROGUED, so we gotta find our news where we can.) For the record, this would be your Male Editor writing, your Female Editor objected to this piece, but when offered the opportunity to rate male curlers based on their hotness at the upcoming Tim Horton’s Brier, she said “all male curlers are disgusting.” Who’s sexist now?!

The relative hotness of curlers will go from left to right, and just so that only real curling fans will be able to follow along, their hotness will be represented by skips’ sweeping calls, ranging from HURRY HARD (Attractive!) to WHOAAA RIGHT OFF (Not so attractive.)

HURRY HARD HARD HAAARD! / Yep, hard! / Cleeeeean. / Yep! Hurray now!

Yep! HARD! / Just clean, just clean. / Haaaard. / HURRY!

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Jack Layton’s got prostate cancer.

We wish him all the best in his recovery, and hopefully he’ll be able to beat cancer just like his wife Olivia did.

Luckily, as a man who works in Parliament, he’s used to dealing with assholes.

(That wasn’t a joke, it was said completely stone-faced, I swear.)

[The Star]

A round-up of the rumblings on the web which don’t deserve their own post…

• > A purse by any other name: The Globe & Fail have continued their Pulitzer-worthy pursuit of Stockwell Day’s manpurse. In the third (!) such article about Doris’ murse, Jane Taber has bravely nailed down this story using Woodward & Bernstein-style investigative reporting. In the first mention, we learn that the Minister does indeed carry a murse, while in the breathless followup we learn just what he carries in his lady-bag: “a few legal documents, passport, wallet, small change purse, business cards and personalized note cards, mints, hand sanitizer, family photo and latest book I am reading.” (Omitted: lipstick, miniature chihuahua). Finally, in the penultimate story which will ultimately get Taber the Pulitzer, we get to see a picture of this stupid thing. JOURNALISM!

• > Prem. Williams’ Open-Heart Club Band: You’ve all heard about Danny Williams getting his heart tuned up in the States, right? And you’ve already twisted this dude’s cardiac problems into a politicized storyline about the state of Canadian healthcare, right? Good! Then we’re done here.

• > He’ll just PVR the curling, it’s better in fast forward: Obama’s not coming to our fancy little Olympics. We will get Diet Obama in the form of Joe Biden, who’ll ride the Amtrak here from Scranton and commit a bunch of Patented Biden Gaffes(tm), like pretending to be interested in luge. Hey, remember those photos that looked like George Bush was doing all this wacky drunk shit at the Olympics, being all sweaty and red-faced and holding up backwards flags and spanking volleyball players? Hah, what was WITH that guy.

• > Girl Power unseen since Sporty Spice: Harper’s new thing, his legacy, his sole and devoted cause as a head of state, is now Plight Of Women Worldwide. What, you didn’t know that? Come on, how could you not think of Harper as synonymous with the issue of women in developing countries, a topic he’s tackled all of never times. Iggy to Harper: “If you love women’s health so much, why don’t you marry it provide support for safe abortions?” Harper spokesman to Iggy: “Huh? What? HEY LOOK OVER THERE.”

GM Brian Burke announcing the departure of Tony Clement to the US Congress at a joint press conference

In a move designed to “shake up” the stagnant world of the Canadian parliament, Toronto Maple Leafs General Manager Brian Burke announced a blockbuster trade deal today to send Parliament stars Tony Clement and Martha Hall Findlay to the United States Congress in exchange for prospects Congresswoman Stephanie Herseth Sandlin (D-ND), Congressman Jim Jordan (R-OH), and a second-round draft pick.

“We’re really looking to rebuild and inject some new talent. I’m not afraid to shake things up. The media probably thought a guy like Clement wasn’t moveable, being Minister of Industry and all. Y’know what? Titles don’t mean jack to me”, the outspoken Burke told a media huddle outside of Parliament. “From what I’ve seen from Sandlin and Jordan, they’ve got the kind of grit, tenacity and hustle that I like in a government representative. Sure, people will question my moves, but let me tell you, this group of MP’s needed a wake-up call.”

Tony Clement, now serving as a freshman congressman representing Ohio’s 4th Congressional District, said the move came as a shock. “I really didn’t think I was going anywhere, I had time left on my contract with Parliament and I was a Cabinet Minister and all, but look, that’s the past. I’m looking forward to working with Congress, they’re a great organization with some great players, and I look forward to playing on the Ohio Delegation line with guys like [John] Boehner and Kucy [Dennis Kucinich].”

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With the relevation that Homer was the real terrorist, the FBI called off the wiretapping of Apu

First, read this CP piece with a straight face. Alright, alright, get all the chuckles out. There we go.

To recap, Fisheries Minister Gail Shea got pied by the notorious terrorist group Al-Pieda, a group with possible ties to the Talibanana-cream. Honestly, I could just sit here all day and think of puns involving pie and terrorism. But then, the pie-terrorists would have won.

Wait, one more. Tamil Piegers. No? Hezbollemon-meringue? Too much? Alright, just watch the video:

Liberal MP Gerry Byrne (bipartisanship!) wants to know if this brazen act of piessault by PETA constitutes an act of terrorism. Now, on the surface this seems ridiculous, because TV has taught us that getting a pie in the face is an act of light-hearted clownish pranking, while TV also taught us that only brown people can be terrorists.

Alright, let’s figure it out: IS PIEING A POLITICIAN AN ACT OF TERRORISM?

CRITERIA #1: Terrorism is a show of force meant to intimidate and humiliate. It relies on shock appeal and sudden violence to bring about a political message of bullying and fear. Match: Well, yeah, that’s a match. Maclean’s even agrees. And they take pies seriously. TERRORISM!

CRITERIA #2: Terrorism is serious. Match: Eh, not so much. I mean, I wouldn’t enjoy getting a pie in the face, but it’s something of a tradition in Canadian politics. You really haven’t made it as a politician in this country unless you’ve appeared on your local news wiping whipped cream out of your eyes in a confused daze. See also: the Entartistes. NOT TERRORISM!

CRITERIA #3: Terrorism involves horrible cruelty. Match: It was a tofu pie. Eeewwww, good Lord. Give me seal flipper any day, pushing tofu into someone’s open mouth should be defined as cruel and unusual under the Geneva Conventions. TERRORISM!

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Avid MapleRag readers (HI, MOM!) will remember back to a couple of days ago, when we analyzed Iggy’s performance in an online chat with a Facebook group and Your Editor made the offhanded statement that one of the chicks looked cute from behind, which is a rare compliment to give to any Canadian political insider. I mean, unless you have a fetish for pudgy white guys in ill-fitting grey suits with poorly-slicked combovers and frazzled beards to hide their pink, jowely face. But I digress.

Our direct quote:

“Damnit, I should’ve asked Iggy if that chick who looks kinda cute from behind was single.” -Esteemed Internet Journalism Purveyor MapleRag, January the 21st, 2010

“That Chick”, through some mysterious voodoo magic, actually found this humble website and wrote a comment to thank Your MapleRag for complimenting her backside! You’re welcome, That Chick. Using our own voodoo magic, we’ve since unearthed a picture of That Chick From Behind, except… FROM THE FRONT!

WELL?

So here’s this thing:

Bob Rae, can we be your song parody ghost-writers from now on? Our Beatles song parodies were wittier! PROROGUE DOESN’T RHYME WITH “LET IT BE”, AT ALL.

Anyways, C+ for effort.

Have a good weekend!

Gettin' Iggy with it

As I type this, Your Honourable Leader of the Opposition His Iggyness is engaged in an online live chat! Not with the media, or a newspaper… with a Facebook group! Oh God, the political parties are becoming aware of “The Internet”! Soon it’s gonna be all, Facebook Michael Ignatieff’s Twitters On Youtube To Blog A Flickr Vlog About Social Media Network 2.0! This is all your fault, Twenty-Somethings Of Canada, for teaching your parents how to use the internet.

This whole “Canadians Against Proroguing Parliament” Facebook group has swelled to ridiculous proportions, numbering 200,000+ people (well… people, Facebook accounts of peoples’ cats, and spambots combined) at last count! The whole movement’s been grassroots – volunteer organizers, grassroots protests, unshaven bloggers ranting about the new world order – and like any rapidly-growing grassroots movement, it presents a perfect chance for a major political party to jump onboard and claim ownership! (For more, see: “Teabaggers, Republican asskissing of“) In this case, Iggy wrote a whole letter the other day to everyone in this group, showering them with praise for the noble dedication it took to… click “Accept” on the Group request they got from their crazy uncle. (Damn, can’t you remember the foregone days when Facebook was a quiet, low-tech network for University students to keep in touch? But I digress.)

Today, from 3 to 4 PM (the live chat’s ending as I type now, OH NO!) Iggy fielded all kinds of softballs from group members in an online chat! Actually, softballs is putting it a bit too harshly, this is more like Iggy was playing T-ball, the balls were already lined up for him on the tee, and there was no one in the outfield to try and make a catch.

They posted two photos of Iggy sitting at his impressively massive monitor just to prove that it was him, and not one of the thousands of clever Michael Ignatieff Impersonators roaming the streets of Ottawa.

Top: Iggy looking like a bored dweeb. Bottom: They needed 7 staff members, advisors and moderators, plus a photographer in the room, just to organize a FREAKIN' ONE-HOUR ONLINE CHAT? Your Liberal Party, ladies and gents.

Damnit, I should’ve asked Iggy if that chick who looks kinda cute from behind was single.

RECAP!

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