In light of the news (using the loosest possible definition of the term “news”) that ritzy menswear store Harry Rosen sent out cards to preferred customers with a picture of Stephen Harper on them, we had a thought: really, Stephen Harper? While the issue of whether or not it’s appropriate to use a sitting Prime Minister to advertise your suit sale is still up in the air (our consensus: “who gives a shit”), we did come to the unanimous decision that if you really want to sell an image of style, class and sophistication, our doughy, accountant-lookin’, merkin-haired PM wasn’t the man for the job.

By choosing Stevie as their fashionable posterboy, think of all the male models they were putting out of honest work. Those male models rely on things like Harry Rosen photoshoots to buy the single servings of zero-calorie granola bars that they need to survive. Or is Harper really a dashing, stylish fashionista, and we just hadn’t noticed it? We convened a panel to dish on Steve’s style over the years!

Entry #1: Brokeback Prime Minister

Harper at the Calgary Stampede, 2005

Matt: I wish I could quit you.

Jenn: My favourite part is how miserable he looks. It’s like when parents make their kids dress up in frilly little dresses and mini-tuxedos for weddings and stuff, and the kids just look all mopey and slouched over.

Matt: The hell’s going on with his head? The hat’s so huge and awkward, but his head’s so bulbous and pink, and his neck seems to have disappeared out of shame.

Jenn: Does Colonel Sanders know his tie was stolen?

Matt: Do the Village People know their leather vests were stolen?

Jenn: I wasn’t gonna say anything about the vest, I’m glad you went there. I’m just happy his assless leather chaps aren’t pictured.

Entry #2: Kitty Kitty Bang Bang

Harper with a kitten, definitely not about to eat it, why would you even think that

Jenn: DAMNIT LAUREEN, WHEN I SAID I WANTED A PUSSY PICTURE…

Matt: Oh, ugh, gross, stop, mental images, no.

Jenn: This is the creepiest picture ever. Look at his dead, sunken, blue eyes. Look at the terror in the cat’s eyes. HE’S GOING TO EAT THE CAT.

Matt: Harper showing his “sensitive feminine side” is a whole new level of awkwardness previously unknown to awkwardness scientists. It’s like when your 60-year-old high school math teacher tries to write a “rap” to connect with the kids, and the whole thing is just so soul-crushingly awful that all you can do is just roll your eyes and pretend it doesn’t exist.

Jenn: Yeah, plus, nice popped-collar on that sweater, douche. The whole trying-way-too-hard-to-seem-casual vibe from the unzipped sweater and unbuttoned dress shirt gives this weird vibe that this could be the cover to some forgotten 60s lounge singer’s “romantic classics” record.

Entry #3: Vietdamn

Harper in a traditional Vietnamese tunic at the 2006 APEC summit, Hanoi, Vietnam

MapleBot: ERROR: IDENTICAL IMAGE FOUND ON SERVER:

Matt: Well-said, MapleBot.

Entry #4: The Three Amigos

US President Bush, Mexican President Fox and Canadian Prime Minister Harper at a 2006 NAFTA meeting in Cancun, Mexico

Matt: US President George W. Bush (left) discusses foreign policy with the guy from the Colombian Coffee commercials (centre) and a fly fisherman who somehow got lost on his way to Thunder Bay (right).

Jenn: Honestly, this is NAFTA, not a freaking camping trip. You don’t need to raid Mountain Equipment Co-Op. You don’t need all of those pockets. You’re at a resort in Cancun.

Matt: Harper’s just prepared to look the part in case we travel back in time and the Korean War starts again. Then who’ll be the slick-looking infantryman with the breezy cargo pants and multipurpose flak vest, and who’ll look like the weirdos wearing weather-appropriate neatly-pressed white dress shirts?

Jenn: If you showed this picture to a kid in some far-flung African village who’d never seen a newspaper or owned a television, and you asked them to point at which one of these men looks like the Canadian, they’d score 100%. He’d might as well be wearing a ratty old Tragically Hip trucker hat.

Matt: At least it’s not one of his fucking Bill Cosby-style sweatervests.

Consensus!

Stephen Harper’s horrible fashion sense will single-handedly ruin the once-revered Harry Rosen brand, and rich douchebags will be forced to shop at Banana Republic instead.

[Original article: Globe & Fail]