Honestly Angelo, I give your plot a B+ for believability but a D for creativity

First, read the article written by this no-name, editorial-page space-filler, Angelo Persichilli, a man who makes up for his silly name with a God-given knack for juicy gossip! And by “juicy gossip”, I mean “making up shit”.

The premise of this world-exclusive scoop is that Bob Rae, Ruby Dhalla, Carolyn Bennett (who FOLLOWS MAPLERAG ON TWITTER, so, no rude things to say) and Glen Pearson met at the chic Chateau Laurier and plotted treason against their leader over cocktails. This would sure be big news, if it were true at all! Problem is, both Rae and Bennett have come out as basically saying “everything this Angelo guy says is one gigantic lie”.

Here’s Carolyn’s letter that she sent directly to the Star!

‘I was a participant in the conversation Mr. Persichilli’s [sic] cites in his Dec. 6 column. He was not. I participated in a conversation about ensuring that Michael Ignatieff becomes the next Prime Minister of Canada. The column is a fiction of the columnist’s own device. He has done himself serious damage as a political commentator.’

Yeah, good luck getting that printed, the Star letters-to-the-editor page has a pretty strict policy that filters out anything that isn’t 83-year-old hippies complaining about potholes on their suburban cul-de-sac/kids these days/the shame that Stephen Harper brings them.

Now, look back at Angelo’s column – and I’m calling him Angelo from now on, I’m not gonna be arsed to copy and paste his vowel-filled surname again – and you’ll notice that it’s oddly specific for a conversation that he wasn’t part of, and that wasn’t overheard by any reporters, and that probably didn’t exist. Angelo has concocted a thrilling narrative of direct quotes, actions, emotions and characters, given that he’s describing something that happened purely within his realm of imagination.

Here’s our own 100% true editorial response! Everything I’m about to say is as verifiable and factual as anything written in Angelo’s column:

On the morning of Sunday, December 6th, a man named Angelo needed to think of something to fill space in his important, widely-respected Toronto Star column. Angelo Persichilli was a horrible gremlin of a man, standing a mere three feet tall, living inside a dank, foul-smelling cavern within the labyrinthine basement of the Toronto Star building. As he chewed his fingernails, he came across an idea: what if a coup was being staged within the Liberal party ranks? O, what a spectacular story that would make! Angelo set to work: he looked into his desk drawer and came across four musty sweatsocks. He fashioned the socks with crude googly-eyes and smiles, and as he crouched behind his desk, he created an elaborate puppet show. He imagined that he was in a world of mystical fantasy, where four Liberal MPs had gathered to pound Jagermeister shots and stage an act of treason against their leader, setting the stage for a full-scale Liberal party revolt. Angelo cackled with glee at the spectacle, as he forced the puppets to recite dire-sounding quotes about Michael Ignatieff’s leadership qualities. He quickly transcribed the sock puppet conversation into his notepad, then sent the hastily-scribbled article to his editor. “I have a scoop! I hear Ruby Dhalla, and Bob Rae, and they were talking, oh, the things they said, I hear them all!” he croaked with glee, as he pranced merrily through the halls, sock puppets still on his hands.

CAN I HAVE ANGELO PERSICHILLI’S PULITZER IF HE DOESN’T WANT IT?