Here’s how easy it would be to win this contest, or at least aim for #3, so you can get that SWEET, SWEET COAL to burn. It’ll come in handy when your suburban McMansion gets foreclosed on, and you’ll need something to burn to keep warm on the streets this winter!

Two main themes emerged in the competition: veiled homophobia and semi-topical celebrity topics! With that in mind, we made two of our own images which would win the competition, had we entered them:

You don't want to know the search terms I had to use to get the original image.

GET IT IT'S BASED OFF A TV SHOW, BUT STEPHEN HARPER ISN'T IN THAT TV SHOW, I ADDED HIM WITH PHOTOSHOP, GET IT

You can submit these on your own behalf if you want, and then CLAIM THE COAL AS YOUR OWN IF YOU WIN IT, it’s my War On Christmas present to you!