Curling is a drinking-based sport played by chubby old men in sleepy prairie hamlets consisting of sweeping a broom against an ice surface while everyone screams dirty-sounding verbs at each other. It’s simultaneously the best and most stupid pastime that we as Canadians have. Every year, the best female curlers in the country (and by extension probably the best in the world as well, as Canada’s the only country who gives enough of a shit about this silly sport to participate in any great numbers) gather in some God-forsaken corner of this country’s vast emptiness (Sault Ste Marie, Ontario this year!) to slide, sweep and look moody after they just missed a Goddamn open takeout, for God’s sake Jennifer Jones, what kind of trash was that? But I digress.

While the real tournament is still ongoing as the provinces battle for supremacy on the ice, the real battle has already been decided off the ice: who the hottest curlers in the tournament are. Is it crude, ignorant and prejudiced to rate professional athletes solely based on their physical appearance just because they’re female? Of course. But we’re not a curling blog, so deal with it. (We’re apparently a politics blog, but, y’know, PROROGUED, so we gotta find our news where we can.) For the record, this would be your Male Editor writing, your Female Editor objected to this piece, but when offered the opportunity to rate male curlers based on their hotness at the upcoming Tim Horton’s Brier, she said “all male curlers are disgusting.” Who’s sexist now?!

The relative hotness of curlers will go from left to right, and just so that only real curling fans will be able to follow along, their hotness will be represented by skips’ sweeping calls, ranging from HURRY HARD (Attractive!) to WHOAAA RIGHT OFF (Not so attractive.)

HURRY HARD HARD HAAARD! / Yep, hard! / Cleeeeean. / Yep! Hurray now!

Yep! HARD! / Just clean, just clean. / Haaaard. / HURRY!

Whooooaaaa. / YES SWEEP HAAAARD! / KEEP GOING GUYS, HARD HARD / Alright, hard now, finish it.

Alright, go hard now, but keep an eye on it… / Whoa, right off. / YES. HARD NOW. HARD. / Right off, whoaaaaaa.

Ehhhh, keep it clean, I guess…. / Yep. Sweep now. / Yep! Yep! Real hard guys! / Whoa whoa, just clean now.

Ouaaiii, ‘ard, ‘ard / ‘URRYYYY / Allez-y, ‘ard / Nooon, non…

Right off, right ooooff. / Yep, alright. Go now. / YES! HARD! HAAAAAAARD! / KEEP GOING HURRYYYY!

Whoooaaa, guys. / Easy, alright, go now… / Yes, yes HARD. / Eeeeeasy.

Yep! Hard guys! / Hard! Hard! KEEP GOING! / Hurry guys! / HAAAAAARRRRRRD!!!!!!!!

Alright, hard now. / Whoa, whoa. / Yep, alright, sweep now. / DID IT JUST PICK?!

Eh… hard? I mean, off. Hard. Off. I dunno. Sweepers, what do you think? / Yeeeeah, better sweep it. / Whoa for weight. / Alright, finish it off, hard now.

Yep, hard now. / HARDER. / HAAAAAAAAAARD. / HARD! HARD! HURRYYYYYYY!

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Overall winner: NEWFOUNDLAND.

Special mentions to Alberta, Ontario and Canada.

I’m not proud of the things I have to do for this blog.