He traded a Miranda for a Charlotte?!

In our earlier days, we complained that covering Canadian politics had none of the glitz and glam of covering American politics. Americans have got no less than three 24-hour news networks covering quasi-celebrities fighting for the future of the Earth, while we’ve got a few sleepy hosers banging on their desks on CPAC2. The other reason, though, was that American politics is fuelled by a bacchanalian party of drugs, sex scandals and things so horrifying they can’t even be mentioned on network television, which is where the sixth estate of bloggers enter the fray.

After years of waiting with dire anticipation for some no-name backbencher to get a quickie from a Byward Market hooker in his Parliament office, we’ve finally reached closure. A real Canadian sex scandal! Better yet, it’s someone we’d heard of! BREAK OUT THE CONFETTI!

Read it. Read it slowly. Savour it.

Five-hundred Pulitzers to the Star, for actually sharing all the sordid details! The Globe, for their part, is just calling this “an affair with a young lady” – nothing about doin’ it on a City Hall couch! (Gross!) The Toronto Sun, meanwhile, has stayed incredibly classy and has given Giambrone a new nickname – Giamboner. Jesus Christ, Sun! What are you, 13?  I didn’t know newspapers could publish the word “boner”, let alone turn it into the nickname of a major mayoral candidate.

Well, it looks like Giambrone’s mayoral bid may be screeching to a halt, much like a subway in rush-hour of the TTC he controls. Let’s see how it happened!

#1: Giambrone needed arm-candy that wasn’t as moody and scary-looking as Kristen Lucas. There was a mini-scandal earlier in the year when Eye Weekly falsely reported that Adam was gay, to which he responded “Am not”, followed by a rush to put a female near his side to prove it. Instead of the female he was boning, they needed someone kinda mousey and nerdy looking. Glasses, perfect! That leaves Kristen heartbroken and this Sarah chick probably feeling like a used sham, especially if she didn’t know she was being used as a prop. Still, what a classic dick move! Sliminess: 7/10. Comedy value: 5/10.

#2: He did all of this with text messages! Didn’t you learn anything from Tiger Woods?! Next time use smoke signals or carrier pigeons, anything that can’t be leaked to the media. Sliminess: 2/10. Comedy value: 8/10.

#3: Instant classic quotes: In another text message, Giambrone tells her: “I still think of you when I need … um … stimulation.” [...] “You’re also good-looking naked.” Sliminess: 9/10. Comedy value: 9/10.

#4: He was 32, she was 19. Ah, 19, only two years removed from the true creep zone… but still, gross. Sliminess: 10/10, Comedy value: 4/10.

#4: Adam’s campaign may have made up a fake threat from Kristen:

In the email she threatens to track down”ur `girlfriend’ and let her know about the affair we’re having. It doesn’t have to be true … ha! I hope U become mayor so that I could become TTC chair!”

Here’s the thing: this e-mail allegedly from Kristen, provided by Giambrone’s camp, spells Kristen’s own name wrong in the From line, and also has classic tween grammar that looks like something an adult pretending to be a 19-year-old would write. Doesn’t it have that fake vibe to it? I mean, what kind of death threat wishes the person succeeds in becoming mayor? What kind of weird threat is it for a young girl to dream of becoming TTC chair? The fuck is going on here? Consider this: if you read Kristen’s earlier text messages, she writes with perfect grammar. Now in an e-mail we’re supposed to believe she’s all about the “U” and “UR”? If Kristen actually wrote this while drunk, then it’s not as bad. (We’re totally absolving Kristen if that’s the case, too – how is there a threat in this e-mail? “I’m going to talk to the girl you’re pretending is your girlfriend, but good luck in becoming mayor.” That’s not threatening!) But if some old staffer in the Giambrone camp cooked this up, well… Sliminess: 8/10. Comedy value: 10/10.

Godspeed, Giamboner!