Helena Guergis, Minister of State for Status of Women. Current Status of Women: "Crazy".

Sometimes our job’s too easy!

Background: Helena Guergis (pronounced Jore-Jis, in case you want to re-tell this story to your water-cooler buddies but don’t want to look silly saying Gur-Giss) is a former beauty pageant contestant with a community college certificate in Real Estate. She fell into the job of Conservative MP by running in a conservative Ontario riding and talkin’ about how much she hates them darn homos marryin’. She then fell into the job of Minister of State for the Status of Women by having an extra X-chromosome. She’s married to former Alberta Tory MP Rahim Jaffer, who’s currently under investigation for being a fan of the odd bit of cocaine now and then.

Also, she’s apparently nuts!

Let’s try to cobble together a rough timeline based on accounts of what happened:

> February 16, 2010, a day of infamy: Helena Guergis shows up at the Charlottetown airport on her way to Montreal.

> Sorry I’m late, I was busy not giving a shit: She shows up 10 minutes before her flight, which is slightly less than the 2 hours that Air Canada prefers. As Air Canada staff remind her that she’s late, Whitney HoustonHelena Guergis responds: “I don’t need to be lectured about flight time by you. I’ve been down here working my ass off for you people.”

> These boots were made for beepin’: Just gonna quote verbatim from the Canoe article here:

The Ontario MP’s boots set off the metal detector, so airport staff asked her to place them in a bin. She slammed them angrily into the provided bin and shouted, “Happy f–king birthday to me. I guess I’m stuck in this hellhole.” As the footwear cleared the X-ray conveyor [Guergis] then allegedly shouted at her aide to “Get those for me. I’m not walking around here in sock feet.”

> Summoning her Hulk-like strength…: Quoting from the Globe: “The source said she tried to push through a secured door despite it being closed. A security guard stopped her, according to the airport source, and she swore at them.”

> Honestly, out of every island you could disparage?: Then an anonymous source claimed she “spoke disparagingly of the island”. Whoa now! Don’t you know that our microscopic, red-dirted, potato-munchin’ Gilbert Blythe-fantasizing freak-province is the ONE ISLAND it’s not cool to disparage? She tries to deflect some heat in her press release by talking about how much she loves PEI and how it “demonstrates the best Canada has to offer”. Well that’s great. The best our country has to offer is apparently a 5-mile-wide chunk of dusty tourist traps where Japanese vacationers go to get their photos taken with red-pigtail wigs.

Anyways, Helena “Happy Fucking Birthday To Me” Guergis is officially a Great Canadian, and we hope that her erratic diva bullshit continues to be a bountiful source of website content.

At least this was just the Charlottetown Airport and not JFK or LAX, where this kind of shit gets your flight plans diverted to Gitmo. Maybe her husband can score some weed or some ’shrooms to help her calm down!

[Canoe: Tory MP sorry for airport tantrum]

[Globe: Helena Guergis apologizes for PEI airport meltdown]