Deleted scene from "Helena & Rahim Go To White Castle"

Former Conservative MP and husband of Helena “Happy Fucking Birthday” Guergis is reportedly recovering in the hospital, nursing lacerations to his lower hand after receiving a VICIOUS slap on the wrist from Ontario courts!

Jaffer, you’ll remember, was busted last year for plowing through a village with a 50 KM/h speed limits doing 93 clicks, being pulled over, being drunk, and for possessing some sort of magical white nose-candy. Drunk driving, possession of a narcotic, oh boy, this guy’s DONE! He’s headed for the big house! Send my regards to the guards at Kingston Pen, buddy! He- wait, what?

Oh right, he’s a famous politician! He got a careless driving charge and had to pay 500 bucks. Your courts hard at work!

Jaffer, a staunch anti-drug activist, somehow got the more-serious coke charges dropped. Either he successfully argued that he didn’t have possession (“Ossifer, I schwear, tha’ss not mai coke… *hic*”) or maybe the cops found it on an illegal search, which invalidates the charge. Or maybe he just snorted the whole baggy up right in front of the cops, and slurred “Where’z yer evidenthse nowwww, CSI: Palgrave, Ontario?” Or maybe he’s just a rich well-connected asshole and the rules don’t apply to him.

With Bill C-15 being pushed through, the bullshit mandatory drug-sentences law that the Tories love so much they stacked the Senate just to get it through, it looks like Rahim’s dealer’s gonna get a mandatory minimum year in jail. Rahim, of course, voted to support the bill in its earlier form when he was still in office.

“I’m sure you can recognize a break when you see one” the judge told Mr. Jaffer.

Did the court reporter note that the judge then gave an overdramatic “wink, wink” motion while rubbing his fingers together to signify “money”?

His lawyer, Howard Rubel said: “What Mr. Jaffer did was drive without paying attention to how fast he was going.”

He then failed to mention “Oh yeah, and he was totally shitfaced hammered, he was so drunk the cops could smell the booze on his breath, and, yeah, they also found a shitload of cocaine in the car, which my client occasionally enjoys in his nasal area. But really, the main charge here was speeding. The big silly goofball’s just a bit lead-footed on the gas, that’s all! Probably one of those fuckin’ Toyotas.”

Anyways, the real reason the charges were dropped is because Helena Guergis kicked down the courtroom doors halfway through proceedings, screaming like a banshee, jumped off the attorney’s desk and gave a flying elbow-drop to the bailiff while screaming “HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY”, before beating the crown attorney senseless with the gavel and threatening to bite the judge’s face until they arrived at the verdict of a reduced sentence.

[Story: Globe]

UPDATE: Liberal MP Anita Neville brought up Rahim Jaffer during Question Period today, and SHIT GOT REAL! Anita passive-aggressively baited the Tories into responding in some way to one of their own getting a slap on the wrist, after which the Tories demanded an apology, banged their desks and shook their jowls in blustery rage, and Neville was pretty much like, “What, I’m not apologizing, it’s not my fault Rahim Jaffer’s a corrupt cokehead”, which led to more shoutiness and the Speaker having to say “Order” no less than 19 times to shut ‘em up. That should be a new CPAC drinking game: drink when the Speaker calls for order! (Note: MapleRag is not responsible for your upcoming alcohol poisoning.)