MUNICIPALITY FATALITY!

Quick geography lesson: in southern Ontario, just west of Pickering but east of Mississauga on Highway 401, lies a sleepy little village on the shores of Lake Ontario called Toronto (pron. “Trawnna”.) For some reason, Canadians hold a bizarre infatuation with this humble little hamlet, which means that whenever it comes time for the dozen-odd voting Torontonians to elect a mayor, it makes national headlines. Since we’re a legitimate news outlet, it’s our journalistic duty to write about the bizarre girly-slap-fight going on between a subset of some of Toronto’s craziest people all vying to be King of Toronto, and to be given the launch codes to the secret missile silo inside the needle of the CN Tower. [Note to self: remember to redact that last confidential bit before hitting "Publish" -ed.]

What’s this all mean? Prepare for MAYORAL KOMBAAAAT! Please listen to this theme song while you read on:

What men have the SkyDome-sized balls to think they’re fit to run Toronto? Let’s find out!

GEORGE SMITHERMAN

Support based on most recent TorStar poll: 34%

Coles Notes summary: Longtime Liberal bigshot in provincial politics. Has held down desks as Minister of Health, Minister of Energy, and Deputy Premier under McGuinty’s grits. Nicknamed Furious George for his short fuse. Former party-drug addict, which is probably less fun than it sounds. Gayer than a handbag full of rainbows. First non-NDPer elected “Best MPP” by local hooker-ad repository NOW Weekly. Once announced he’d wear an adult diaper as Health Minister in order to prove some point about, uh… we don’t even remember what the point was, we just couldn’t get the mental image out of our heads. Would make a great “sassy gay sidekick”-type character on Degrassi; made snarky comments about wanting to have children with his husband but being “unable to conceive, despite plenty of trying.” (Mmm-hmmm, you did NOT just go there!)

Mayor George?: As the highest-profile, most well-connected and well-funded candidate in the race, George has been the front-runner in this race before he even announced his candidacy. By all accounts, he’s an all-around swell guy with a lot of populist, mainstream Liberal views that jibe well with Joe Torontonian. He’s got a straight-talking, practical approach, with a bit of  a fun streak hidden in his reputation as a short-tempered hard-ass. Gets a lot of small-C conservative support too, along with some union support and the Church Street vote. He’s playing a classic frontrunner’s campaign – don’t make any waves, don’t rush to make any policy announcements, and try to rise above the bickering also-rans early to cruise to victory. He also happens to have a lot of enemies. His original campaign manager, a man by the pornstar-sounding name of Jeff Bangs, recently quit Smitherman’s campaign – leading to SWIRLING RUMOURS. He’s recently gotten a new campaign manager, the head of the Toronto District School Board. As a product of the TDSB myself, I can vouch that it helped me learn good.

Full Disclosure: George Smitherman came up to my table at an event once, and as he was talking to us he sort of gave me a bit of a shoulder-rub. He has strong hands. I feel that, as a legitimate journalist, I needed to say this.

ROB FORD

Support based on most recent TorStar poll: 27%

Coles Notes summary: Colourful city councilor with a backstory that’s, well… complicated. He’s got the blustery pink face, blonde brushcut, populist rhetoric and bizarre outbursts of a Canadian Glenn Beck. Huge with the Bud-swilling, Toronto Sun-reading crowd. Built like a football players, likely because he was one, and currently coaches high school football. Obsessed with financial responsibility, and to that end, pays for all of his office expenses out of his own pocket – which even the Sun finds a little weird. Can detail and ridicule all of the martinis, cab rides and blow-up dolls ever purchased with public funds by every other member of City Council. Charged, but not convicted, of beating his wife. Said, on the record, that only gay people and drug addicts get AIDS. Probably the only mayoral candidate where the phrases “blew the top of her head off”, “You called me a fat fuck!” and “go to Iran and get raped and shot” are integral to their personal profile.

Mayor Rob?: He’s the default choice of the right wing, with a little less Joe Clark and a little more Sarah Palin. Despite coming off as a bit of a clown, you can tell he actually gives a shit about issues in Toronto. His big issues are cutting spending and housing, which play well in the current economic climate. He’s definitely an underdog, but his populist rhetoric is picking up a ton of steam. He clearly cares a lot about his work and cares about the issues, but holy shit, this guy.

Misc.:

JOE PANTALONE

Support based on most recent TorStar poll: 14%

Coles Notes summary: Current deputy mayor and City Hall old-timer with a few decades of experience under his belt. Token NDP lefty. Good ol’ Italian boy, not like these other mangia-cakes…  I mean, other than Rocco, and Giorgio. Real stuffy, old-fashioned policy wonk-type, which serves its purpose, but ain’t exactly lighting up the city with excitement.

Mayor Joe?: I wouldn’t count on it. He’ll get his NDP vote, and all the usual suspects of unions, City Hall buddies and people who think his name’s cute enough to vote for, but as the race becomes tighter expect him to lose steam and get caught in the fray, despite an apparently strong showing in a recent (non-televized, what the hell, Rogers Cable Channel 10, was there a high school hockey game on instead?) debate. Should really start using the slogan “If you’re going to Pant, never Pant Alone.”

DAN FOR MAYOR

Ratings based on most recent episode: 1.9% share

Coles Notes summary: Fred Ewanuick, star of the CTV smash hit series Corner Gas, returns as hapless loser Dan, a bartender who decides to make it up to an ex-girlfriend by running for mayor.

Mayor Dan?: Considering the absolute lack of humour found in this candidate, we’re pretty sure this campaign’s getting cancelled before the end of the season.

END OF PART ONE!

We’re splitting this post in two (mo’ Google ad hits mo’ money, son) so join us next time as we meet Rocco, Giorgio, a woman (!) named Sarah, whatever happened to grinning vagina-farmer Giamboner, and find out about the only white supremacist in the race, if that’s your kind of thing!