Here’s your round-up of what’s going on in the nation of Canada:

• >> And NDP goes Last Call With Carson Daly: Liberals Go Letterman, announces the Globe&Fail! Of course, MapleRag readers (HI MOM) will know that we already predicted this trend ages ago. The Liberals made a “Ten Things I Hate About You” list about Harper, and passed it around class when the teacher wasn’t looking. Their new catchphrase is “culture of deceit”, and Helena “Happy Fucking Birthday” Guergis ranks a mere 5th on their Top 10 of Deceitfulness. Making lists is pretty much the laziest fucking thing anyone can write (see also: Any issue of Rolling Stone/Blender touting “The 10 most [adjective] [noun] EVER!”, or this very mailed-in blog post) so no points to the Liberals for creativity. However, points to Dimitri “Hockey Bet” Soudas for his rebuttal to this list of 10 specific criticisms, and his response, of “DURRR SPON-SER-SHIP SCAN-DULZ”

• >> The birds and the bees did WHAT to each other?: The Sex Ed plan for Ontario schools that everyone went crazy about last week? Yeah, it’s scrapped. As devout Fundamentalist Christians here at MapleRag, we wholeheartedly agree with this decision by McSquinty to cave under the pressure of a few religious wingnuts and fold faster than Superman on laundry day. I mean, how DARE we teach basic concepts of sexual orientation to preteens, then they might stop using “gay” as a catch-all adjective for “undesirable”! (i.e. “This door won’t open, it’s so gay”, “Homophobia’s so gay”, etc.) How DARE we teach 16 year olds how to use contraceptives, regardless of the fact that the average age for losing your virginity in this country is 16 and STD rates are on the rise due to practically non-existent sex education and kids turning to outdated playground misconceptions for advice that could very well get your dumb kid pregnant? I’M AN OUTRAGED CHRISTIAN RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE

• >> Keep your enemies close, and tell your friends to eat shit: Rahim Jaffer shunned and humiliated, starts this brilliant piece of schadenfreude, and it just gets better and better from there. Barely-functional man-child Rahim Jaffer, a disgraced, sweaty coke-snorting unemployed grifter, is currently trying to rat on his new friends (mobsters) to his old friends (Tories) in hearings to see just how much of a horrible, horrible person he is. Results: pretty horrible.

• >> Etc.: Finally, on the MapleRag local beat, we’d like to mention that an entire mall in Waterloo blew up this morning. As a Laurier alum, I can proudly say that if buildings had to blow up somewhere in the world, you could probably pick a lot of worse places. The casualties: Mel’s Diner (fantastic breakfast place for hungover students, will be sorely missed), a candy store caught in the crossfire, and the sleazy bars FUBAR, 140 West and Caesar’s, where creepy Kitchener guys in pink polo shirts would go to grind their crotches on drunk female students and puke Jagerbombs all over each other. Sean Kingston’s prophecy of “fire burnin’ on the dancefloor” has now been realized.