What does the world hate about Canada?

Not to brag – but there aren’t many things to hate about Canada. When it comes down to truly loathable things that Canada has done to the world, it’s a fairly thin list. Near the top of that list, though, we can definitely name a couple of names – Nickelback and Bryan Adams.

Sure, Harper’s a big Nickelback fan – Albertans with fantastic hair gotta stick together – but it’s not like he’d divebomb his reputation by associating himself with the king of undersexed-housewife schlock-rock, a man oozing with such CanCon that he ends up more sappy than our maple trees and more generic than our prescription drugs, right? Right?

Oh, for fuck’s sake…

If you could actually hear what this sounded like, you'd agree that Tears Are Not Enough

Bryan Adams stopped by 24 Sussex to jam with the Prime Minister on his hit song “Run to You”.

Try to read that sentence out loud without gagging a little, like something was trying to surge up your throat. I could only make it as far as “Bryan Adams stopped by 24 Suss-bllarrgghhkkkCOUGHCOUGH“

You see, what’s so painful is that when I see the picture, I can hear how awful it is. I can hear Harper plinking out a few triad chords trying to keep up, which works fine for “A Little Help From My Friends“, but for arena-growling, 80s synth-rock like Run To You, it probably sounds like a class of Mountain Dew-chugging kindergarteners were armed with hammers and asked to dismantle a keyboard. Now imagine Harper’s vocal range – there are roughly two notes, both squeaky and robotic – and imagine him singing throaty, octave-stretching cock-rock like Run To You. It gives me an uncomfortably cold, prickly feeling down my spine thinking of the Prime Minister growling the “oooooOOOOHHHH” before the chorus.

Also, they didn’t even let Bryan Adams play the fucking guitar part. Harper’s dumb kid, Ben – no, wrong one – took the role of lead guitar, more than likely awkwardly shifting his fingers around to try and remember the chords, as Bryan Adams took the bass, or “dad guitar”.

If you’ve sinned in your life and are sent to hell, I truly believe that they put you in a room with Stephen Harper singing an 80s Bryan Adams song while his 14-year-old plays guitar, forever.

It’s completely understandable if, having read the last sentence, you’ve already fled your computer and are running full-speed to the nearest house of worship seeking salvation.

If you’re still here, here’s a song they should’ve performed instead!

I got my first real leader-seat
Followed up some Stockwell guy
Learned to shrug and shake my head
It was the summer of two-thousand-five

Me and some guys from Reform
Had a merger to take down Paul Mart
Clark quit, Belinda got buried
The nomination wouldn’t be hard

But when I look back now
I wish it was ‘05 forever
Gomery, Parrish and Adscam
Back then even my hair was better

Those were the best days of my life

Back in the summer of two-thousand-five…

[Source: Star]

I guess the Canadian government hasn’t fully apologized for Bryan Adams on several occasions.