No, we didn't mean to write Die Pigs on that cruiser! It's merely German, for The Pigs.

Woohoo, it’s the G20! Bring your friends, let’s “cause shit” and “party”! Hey man, a bunch of drab economic wonks are convening to have low-key discussions about the intricacies of interest rates, inflation and ensuring macroeconomic stability – you know what that means, LET’S SET SOME GODDAMN POLICE CARS ON FIRE!

Here are my compiled comments, which I’m not calling a “liveblog”, because liveblogs are for teenagers watching American Idol:

• > We join this riot already in progress. They’re already looting down Queen. Maybe these black-clad anarchists plan on looting the American Apparel and putting the clothes on to blend in as apathetic Queen Street hipsters.

• > On breaking stuff properly. CTV News Network is showing a loop of the same 10 or so clips of footage, one of which features a balaclava-sporting anarchist charging at the glass storefront of a Scotiabank and taking a swing at it with some sort of rock (or other blunt object). After a few weak blows of his weak, vegan arm strength against this obviously-reinforced glass, he tries kicking it a few times in frustration leaving a weak dent, and then finally throws his rock at the window in frustration and runs away. I can’t help but feel sorry for the poor, malnourished weakling. I want to start a charity telethon to sponsor anarchists. Did you know that 7 out of 10 black bloc rioters today, right here in Canada, can’t even break a window using a weapon?

• > A disaster of venti proportions. I was watching CityTV when they showed images of the Starbucks being looted across the street at Queen and John, and I noticed a strong hint of sadness in the reporter’s voice as she actually said “OUR Starbucks.” You could almost see her on the verge of tears, about to soberly declare, “That’s when it got personal for me, when these hippie bastards took the Starbucks across the street where I’d gotten countless venti no-foam extra hot soy milk toffee nut lattes, and then splashed it in my worthless assistant Kevin’s face for fucking up my order again.”

• > On ninjas. Speaking of the black bloc gang, a lot of media commentators don’t realize “black bloc” is a style of protest, not a unified group. If you can assign a group title to this fairly nebulous group of shit-disturbers and hangers-on, it’d be S.O.A.R, Southern Ontario Anarchist Resistance, who have quite the cute-sounding acronym for a bunch of morons who think smashing the windows of a Tim Hortons will have a positive effect on political discourse. Y’know, I remember back when the Quebec City protests rolled in around 9 years ago, and as an impressionable teenager, I thought – hell yeah! Fight the power! Breach the fence, don’t take their police brutality! Now, as a taxpaying, job-holding adult, I’m watching these shit-disturbing, cop-car-burning clowns on TV and hoping they get a lung-full of teargas. Have I sold out, or just gained the wisdom that comes with age? On a lighter note, the anarchists, with their head-to-toe black gear, black head coverings and their way of quickly darting around silently, makes me wonder how this city would cope if we were overrun by ninjas.

• > Less SOAR, more SOAP. CBC has just opined that it’s a shame these images of violence and chaos will spread throughout the worldwide media, making a mockery of Toronto. I just turned to CNN to see how our shameful, sensationalist violence would be reported to America, and instead the current breaking news headline on CNN was “ARE YOU AN OVERSOAPER?” Apparently, conventional dishwashers don’t need that much soap at all!

• > Who’s the boss? Police Chief Bill Blair just gave the best press conference ever, where he vowed to kick the asses of every snot-nosed punk who messed with his city, and where he did not take any of your shit, you smarmy little reporters. And you’d better have your facts straight, you pencil-necked reporter geeks, or he’ll give you a SMACKDOWN of factual recourse. (The best kind of smackdown!) Um, excuse me, Police Chief Blair, I’ve got a question for you – that banging sound outside, is that the sound of police marching in rhythm and banging their batons on their shields, or is it your GIANT BRASS BALLS swinging together?

• > We’re rioting because of the Leafs’ poor draft choices, right? For historical background – after all, I run a very factual website – I checked Wikipedia for more information on the history of riots in Canada, prompted by repeated mentions of this being the first time tear gas had ever been used on Canadians. It turns out that 6 of the 11 recorded riots in Canada since 1950 have been hockey-related. Sounds about right.

• > Tweets for twits. In other news, Twitter has been an invaluable source of information today – and misinformation, too! I can’t tell you how many times reporters live on the air today said things like “according to Twitter we’re hearing the fence has been breached”, which, of course, never happened. Could you imagine if Twitter had been around during other historic newscasts? “News of the World, Dateline, 1944 – Ladies and gentlemen, we’re getting reports in from Twitter that the Nazis have actually won the war, that Hitler himself has parachuted into Washington D.C. to assume the American Presidency, this coming from Twitter user BigDaddyGoebbelz88“. Speaking of Twitter, I think stalwart TVO newsman Steve Paikin has devolved into insanity, please see below:

FREE STEVE PAIKIN