Your next Prime Minister, JACKEL LAYTIEFF!

The talk of Ottawa lately has been the tale of two star-crossed lovers, born to separate warring factions – a classic story of intrigue, conflict and bromance. What if the Armies of Orange, led by their resurgent mustachioed general, could put aside their weapons of battle and find common ground with their foe of generations past, the Empire of the Red L, and form an unholy bond forged by the very fires of Hades… and perhaps… find love?

No. No. It’s not going to happen.

There’ve been a number of columnists seemingly pressed for deadlines lately who’ve engaged in a bit of speculative fan-fiction about a centre-left merger in Canadian politics, perhaps as the only way to take down Harper. Not to mention that last week no less a character than Jean Chretien told the CBC that if a merger were do-able, the Liberals should do it. Iggy himself, for his part, has done his best to avoid comment – but has still made the flirty comment that a Liberal-NDP alliance government would be “legitimate”. With the Liberals just trying to tread water at this point and the NDP, despite their impressive barking, still being a small dog in this fight, a LibDP merger is the only way some people can get their calculators to add up to a majority government. Of course, the precedent for an unholy political alliance is fresh in the public’s memory after newly-minted Prime Minister David Cameron’s wheelings and dealings on Merry Olde Knifecrime Island.

So, who would win out if the Liberals were to form an unlikely (read: impossible) alliance with the NDP?

Well, the first winner would be dumb people! Take this Sun columnist – pretty much all Suns are the same drivel, the city isn’t important – who seems to be just itching to say “Heh, yeah, let those dirty commie bastards merge with those rotten Fiberals, eh-heh-heh, then we can tar them as the Marxists they are while diminishing the influence of those Goddamn poutine-sucking seperatist frogs!” Conservatives love the idea of a Liberal-NDP merger, because they see it as a step backwards for the Big Red Machine. Their unstoppable rival for over a century, now forced into taking on the baggage brought on-board by a motley crew of socialist hippies? Talk about Tory talking points!

The Liberals themselves had something of a similar fortunate windfall back in the 2004 election. With the newly-merged Conservative Party ready to take a serious crack at Martin, the Liberals were given ample munition in trying to turn off centrist voters by reminding them this wasn’t their daddy’s Progressive Conservatives anymore, this was the Refooooorm Party they’d be voting for. That’s a real anecdote, by the way – back in 2004 Liberal phone-jockies would call you up, and if you said you were voting Conservative, their scripted response was “You mean, you’re voting Reform?”

Aside from the bountiful Conservative talking points that a united left would provide, who else would benefit? Well… the Conservatives would benefit again, since all this merger talk makes the Liberals look weak. (Hey, how many times do I get to link-drop the Saskatoon Star Phoenix?)

Alright, what else would result from a Liberal-NDP merger? Uh, you, douchebag in the corner, I believe you had your hand up… sorry, did you just say this is exactly like the Slap Chop commercial? What? No. You don’t understand how metaphors work. You’re not allowed to talk anymore.

Alright, but the NDP are all on-board the idea of actually forming a government, right? No? They’re skeptical of the deal, and so are the Bloc? Oh.

So… what you’re saying is, the Liberals would look weak, the NDP don’t think it’ll happen, and the Conservatives would be the big winners?

But hey, it could still happen, right?

[SECOND SPOILER ALERT: No, it still really, really won't happen.]