Canadian heaven: Where all good dead Canadians go

It’s Canada Day! On Canada day, people generally drink beer and then blow their fingers off with fireworks, preferably off of a dock, with the Tragically Hip playing. It’s how we celebrate our freedom!

To the south, Americans have their Independence Day this weekend, which celebrates the time aliens blew up the White House and Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum had to hack the mothership to wait, sorry – which celebrates the time stuffy old British people tried to enforce a tax on tea (which, apparently, Americans were quite fond of at that time – a modern equivalent might be a Big Mac tax) and the Americans responded by kicking British ass, writing a quotable Declaration, and putting their own country together complete with a needlessly busily-designed flag, unsingable anthem, and a proud history of asskicking which has gone pretty well for them. Meanwhile, Canadians have Canada Day, which celebrates the time we very politely asked Britain if we could maybe have our own country, please? Britain responded with “Shit, I thought you’d never leave”, granting us the rights to take the faces of monarchs off of 4/5ths of our monetary bills and the privilege of occasionally having our own Head of State visit.

America is the rebellious son who ran away from home as a teenager to start their own company and is now some kind of hot-shot dickish millionaire, while Canada is the mamma’s boy who waited until they were 32 to leave home and even then still lets their parents visit every weekend. It wasn’t until 1982 that we officially stopped letting our mom meddle in our lives. Think about how embarrassing that is for a second: all of these third world countries that cut the umbilical cords back in the 1700s, and then there’s us, finally getting our independence in the era of Journey and Van Halen.

But enough about our embarrassing founding – it’s time to party! Or, if you’re in Quebec, it’s time to move houses.

Do some really patriotic shit today, like drinking on a Thursday, wearing your crusty old Team Canada throwback hockey jersey, eating poutine, watching the CBC if you must, and enjoying this big, empty, beautiful country you were lucky enough to have your mom knocked up in. For inspiration, please visit this image I made of what Canadian Heaven might look like.

Keep on rocking in the free world!