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Regular readers (HI MOM) will notice we haven’t posted in about seventeen years (all figures approx.) There’s a good reason for this, Your Editor has been busy like a beaver moving into a new place, a fleabag Toronto bachelor apartment that hadn’t gotten an internet connection. I suppose that’s not really busy like a beaver, which would necessitate building my home from twigs and mud I hauled with my teeth, and also eating my own testicles when I was sufficiently frightened. (What a noble national creature we have!) In any case, if I ever disappear again you can honestly just read all of the old articles on this site if you need your fix – some of them are coherent!

In any case, the theme of The Canadian Politics this week has been PARDONS! Let’s see who’s been freed, and who hasn’t!

>> HELENA GUERGIS IS FREE! Unlike the girls her husband slept with, who weren’t free at all, but were rather costly. That’s right, the Lindsay Lohan of Canadian politics has been cleared of criminal wrongdoing by the Mounties for her once-alleged-but-now-apparently-non-existent tampering, influence-peddling and shit-disturbing on behalf of her slimey husband while she was an MP. She’s still kicked out of the Conservative caucus, though, in one of those classic “We know you weren’t officially criminally charged but you’re still tainted by sleaziness” defenses, called the “Michael Jackson” in legal circles. Although Guergis was set free, justice was not served for the fine people of PEI, who are still reeling after Guergis called their province a “fucking hellhole”.

>> CONRAD BLACK IS FREE! After being convicted in 2007 of the minor, petty crime of Fucking Massive Fraud, cartoonish fake-Canadian and Mr. Burns-esque media-baron-monster Conrad Black has been serving his days in the draconian hell-hole of a minimum-security prison where they don’t even give you an olive in your afternoon martini, or give you the option of lavender-chai soap to drop in the shower. After having been persecuted for his beliefs (namely, the belief that stealing money is fucking awesome) by a corrupt American judicial system, Conrad Black is free, and wants to return to Canada! The only problem is that as a convicted felon it’s hard to cross borders, and his job opportunities are limited to burger flipper and/or gangsta rapper. We would link you to the reaction of the National Post to this news story, but it was just a long series of excited gurgling noises, mixed with trance-like chanting of “Our glorious Dear Leader… he returns!… just as was prophesized… the Chosen One returns to lead us to the promised land!”

>> THE HEAD OF STATSCAN IS FREE… TO PURSUE OTHER INTERESTS! Munir Sheikh, head of Statistics Canada, has quit over the brouhaha surrounding the Tories’ plan to eliminate the mandatory census. Once the census is voluntary, we expect StatsCan to make some really valuable reports: “alright, so, we got back 17 of the new voluntary census forms… that’s quite the dip from our last reported population of 33 million, huh Bob?” To report how you feel about the resignation of the head of StatsCan over the census, please fill out table 3.a.ii, but only if you have not completely unfilled out sub-form 4.77(a) on the attached orange form 9-B.AA, excluding residents of Alberta, who are to circle their preference on the attached subsection 5B on the Disclosure Of 7-A-Compliant Persons graph, excluding residents of Moose Jaw and people with red hair (9.33-D), but not ex-including persons who own a pet bird or work at a paper factory, per 73-B.ii[2].

>> LINDSAY LOHAN IS GOING TO JAIL! Mean Girls is an underrated movie.