Just doin' my job ma'am, protecting all the fine constituents of my riding

Tony Clement is our favourite Cabinet Minister. He’s unashamedly geek-chic like a Judd Apatow character, he’s thoroughly unwilling to take any of your shit, he’s not a loony-bin Reform righty, he shows up on radio talk shows to make poop and weiner jokes, and he rocks Twitter so hard it made Ashton Kutcher jealous. But until today, we didn’t know that Tony Clement was a LITERAL SUPERHERO.

It makes sense when you think about it – Clark Kent hid his ultra-macho Superman persona by working as a pencil-pushing journalist by day, while Bruce Wayne disguised his dark, brooding Batman identity by living the life of a billionaire playboy. It only makes sense that Aquaman, a hero who speaks the language of the sea and has no fear of diving into the churning, dark waves of the Muskoka River to save a citizen in peril, would hide his seafaring heroics with a role by day as mild-mannered, four-eyed nerd Tory Minister Tony Clement.

Then again, the girl he saved was from Toronto – it wouldn’t surprise me if after coming out of her coma and opening her eyes to see her saviour, she’d let out a disappointed sigh and hop back into the river, waiting to see if Justin Trudeau would save her instead.

In all seriousness, though, water safety is a serious issue. I looked up the stats on drowning in Canada, and it turns out that… well, hold on, these statistics are all out of whack, this can’t be right… fucking Stats Canada, does anyone even run this organization?