Rob Ford's mugshot, after he was stopped drinking and driving on his way to a Chris Farley lookalike pageant

Angry grease-hog Rob Ford is a shrill, pink man-baby, a horrible clown-monster coated in oil and booze and the purified and distilled human emotion of hatred, and could very well by the next mayor of Toronto, in the ultimate theological test or whether a truly loving God cannot exist.

The frontrunner in the race, whose entire life has been an awful, incoherent shouting match with the planet Earth, has had a pretty bad week. Pretty much every conceivable type of scandal a politician can commit has stuck to his gross, lard-slick carcass of a body, from a criminal record, to lying about drug charges, to unethical use of power, to racist comments, to threatening to kill his wife, to profanity-laced diatribes, to… oh, Jesus, I need to lie down. Just thinking about Rob Ford’s awful life from the time he was a screaming, red, pudgy infant to his days as a screaming, red, pudgy politician is giving me a headache.

Even the Toronto Sun, the official rag of mulleted pig-fuckers who’d vote for  a comedic failure-beast like Rob Ford, has come out with an editorial calling him an awful, unelectable monster.

With all of his scandals in place, we’re one step closer to completing ROB FORD SCANDAL BINGO! I’ve lined up a Bingo card (it’s ok, you can play along Ontarian readers, online gambling’s legal now!) with all of the conceivable scandals a politician can commit, with the theory being that, while one punch on the card isn’t a big deal, 5 in a row should be enough to derail any politician’s campaign. But Goddamn, Rob Ford just won’t die, he’s like the coke-fuelled Tony Montana at the end of Scarface being plugged by round after round of scandal-bullets but still screaming for more.

PLAY ALONG AT HOME! If Rob Ford gets 5 spaces in a row, YOU WIN! If you win, you have to drink a bottle of gin and then spend the rest of the night crying for humanity.