Our contestants: The Toronto Sun editorial team, Ezra Levant, and the smalldeadanimals comment section. Everyone loses.

For the past week, we’ve been hearing about a boat full of Tamil refugees slowly inching towards our shores, reported in the same dire tone you’d expect from Tokyo TV on news that Godzilla had once again risen from the Sea of Japan. As this rusty barge full of impoverished, hungry third-world refugees slowly made its way towards British Columbia, there was a general consensus: we’re doomed. The battle lines were drawn, and this boat full of sick, begging Sri Lankans would crush our military, destroy our society as we know it, and take control of our nation. Enjoy Canada as you know it, folks, if I’m to believe what I’m reading in the papers, the second we let these guys off the boat a Tamil Tigers flag will be flapping in the breeze over Parliament.

With all of this hullabaloo, we’re starting a contest: which media source can inject the most fear-mongering, over-the-top, end-of-the-world sensationalist vitriol into an article about 40-dozen-odd brown people landing a boat? Points will be awarded for doom-predicting, logical fallacies, breathless fury at Canadian society in general, irrelevant political talking points and overall retardedness of presentation.

Who’s ready to dish out a Sri Spankin’?

Contestant #1

Contestant Number One is from Toronto, he enjoys sports and bikini girls, and his pet peeves are kids these days and Liberals, say hello to The Sun!

First of all, let’s drop the “migrant” bunkum. It’s meaningless left-wing political claptrap.

Whoa, “bunkum”! “Claptrap”! Fantastic usage of words which are only used by 72-year-olds, and we’re only in the first sentence of this unsigned editorial! Plus, we’ve got kneejerk political reaction expertly woven in, with the claim that the very word “migrant”, meaning “one who migrates”, is left-wing in nature. Take that, left-wing claptrap bunkum!

Like queue-jumpers, scam artists, back-door home invaders, plus a terrorist or two.

Like scallywags, trollops, ne’er-do-wells and common rapscallions, says I! Got a boat full o’ people you know literally nothing about, who haven’t even been identified or spoken to the media? Are they brown? The Sun can tell you exactly how many terrorists are on the boat: either one, or two.

Alright Contestant Number One, here’s your final chance to impress our judges, put all of your retardedness on the line!

If the MV Sun Sea were carrying 500 “migrants” from Afghanistan, home base for the Taliban and al-Qaeda, would we be allowing it to enter Canadian waters, or would we put firing [sic] a shot over the bow with a message that the next would be midships? [sic]

Outstanding answer, Toronto Sun! You’ve combined a false premise, an appeal to emotion, an outright falsehood (Pakistan’s the home base of al-Qaeda), ridiculous chest-thumping bravado, and – best of all! – the writer has become so heart-poundingly outraged at the end of this sentence that he can’t even put words together, drifting off into a stream of furious, spittle-flecked nonsense. Or would be put firing, indeed! Thank you, Contestant Number One!

Contestant #2

Contestant Number Two is the failed abortion of a sewer rat fucking a Reform Party yard sign. His interests include suing blogs for libel, which he can’t do in this case, because the preceding sentence was factual. Meet perpetual clown Ezra Levant!

Ezra pooped out a column about this Tamil stuff, and it was run by a variety of newspapers which couldn’t fill the page space with something more meaningful, like ads for escort services. I’ll direct you to the version at the Belleville Intelligencer.

Great news for health care! The Victoria General Hospital is reopening a whole ward that had been shut down. They’re even contemplating dusting off an extra emergency department. No more waiting lists in that B.C. city! Just joking.

Oh, ha ha, hah haha, ho-ho, ha-ha, funny joke Ezra Levant!

Reports from the ship say there was an outbreak of tuberculosis. It’s a safe bet the B.C. department of health didn’t set aside millions of dollars in their budget for that Third World disease. No problem — just take it away from MRIs or cataract surgeries. No one will notice, and if they do, let’s just call them racist.

Alright, look, this is an open contest and all, but we didn’t expect any professional retards to enter. This isn’t even fair. This is a swimsuit competition, and you just showed up topless. Your level of retardedness is making a mockery of this retardedness pageant’s standards of fair competition. In that four-sentence bucket of brain-vomit alone, it’s worth noting the passengers didn’t have TB, no money is being diverted from regular provincial healthcare funding, and, oh WHAT THE FUCK with your racism-baiting bullshit Ezra.

We’re an awfully long journey from Sri Lanka, an island country just off the tip of India.

Good Lord.

Let’s do what Australia does. They have a small island 2,600 km off the coast of Perth.

What? No. Jesus, Ezra. No.

Let’s build a Christmas Island. We can do it on one of our remote islands off the West Coast, maybe in the Queen Charlottes.

Oh come on Ezra, this was supposed to be a fair, clean pageant, and then you had to come in here seriously proposing that we turn the national-park-protected, Native-administered Haidi Gwaii (formerly known as Queen Charlotte Islands) into some sort of Gitmo. Ezra, you’ve tarnished this wholesome beauty pageant with your swollen boobjobs of illegal idiocy, and you’re hereby DISQUALIFIED.

Contestant #3

Small Dead Animals founder Kate McMillan. Hint: the dead animal in question is a Cougar.

Our third contestant in our Parade of Irrational Tamil Fearmongering Sweepstakes says that she enjoys fast motorcycles, tight leather pants, and blog posts involving no more than 15 keystrokes. Say hello to Kate McMillan’s Small Dead Animals comments section!

They and the Taliban now know what cowards our authorities are when it comes to enforcing laws against non-European “citizens”.

And the judges are giving a 8.0 for grammar abuse and barely-veiled racism, fantastic start Small Dead Animals!

Immigration is like a credit card with a high limit; Instant gratification, then pain and misery for decades. If you are a leftist, you have no idea what I mean.

After reading this comment, our judges gave ace commenter “Friend of USA” a slow, deliberate golf clap. You see, the judges were trying to make sense of his metaphor – wait, who gets the gratification and who gets the misery? Why does this commenter have decades worth of painful credit card debt? When white people immigrate, is it more like a tax-free savings account? Then the judges realized – of course we can’t understand what he means. We’re leftists.

Kindof surprised Barry Soetoro didn’t offer them asylum just to p-off the Arizonians.

HOLY SHIT A REAL LIFE BIRTHER! Invoking Barack Obama’s top-secret Kenyan-Muslim name! And, “Arizonians”! The judges here are RISING TO THEIR FEET in applause for the sheer awfulness of this comment!

Since there are women on board and the ship has been on sea for three months, my guess is that quite a few are pregnant by now (either willingly or unwillingly through rape).

Just, wow. Alright Small Dead Animals, finish us off with one classic, awful comment!

Foreign ships up to no good should not be allowed into Canadian waters. Foreign ships engaged in human smuggling operations should not gain admittance to Canadian waters on principle: human smuggling is illegal. Other grounds include what is in the best interest of Canadians – what is in the best interest of human cargo destined to be utilized as sweated labour, or more chillingly, as operatives – and what is in the best interest of an ethnic community that has long endured Tiger fundraising shakedowns without recourse to Canada’s legal remedies

Hey, wait a minute, this comment’s actually free of spelling mistakes and uses legal logic instead of baseless vitriol, and even seems to defend the rights of Tamils, while – oh wait, nevermind, this wasn’t a Small Dead Animals comment, it was posted on a Neo-Nazi forum by white supremacist Paul Fromm. Sorry folks, I get all mixed up when I’ve got multiple tabs going in my browser.

Final Results

Although the SDA comment section was impressively retarded, I’ve got to give the edge to the Toronto Sun for being even more embarrassing and incoherent, while actually being published in a newspaper people pay money to read.

Congrashrilankans!