As if you needed more proof.

Immigration Minister Jason Kenney has dropped a bombshell in international political circles with a major, groundbreaking announcement settling centuries of debate: Santa Claus is a Canadian citizen.

The repercussions for us as Canadians cannot be understated.

For those not familiar with Santa Claus, he is a man who lives at the North Pole building toys, only to give them out free of charge to all of the good [also, Christian -ed.] children of the entire Earth on a single night, a night which coincidentally coincides with the birth of Jesus. A noted recluse, he is completely sheltered from the outside world and the media, save for rare occasions in which cartoon characters somehow injure him and are forced to perform the duties of Santa for the night.  Little is known about the man, his motives for running a massive toy-giving scheme, or his suspicious relationship with world governments that allow Santa into their airspace to perform countless acts of home invasion on an annual basis.

Now that we know that Santa is a Canadian citizen, what will this mean for our government’s major portfolios of responsibility?

Peter MacKay, National Defence: While Santa may at first appear to be a menace to international military forces by being virtually undetectable by modern radar and violating a number of international air space restrictions, the news that Santa is a Canadian citizen could be huge for our Defence department. While the controversy over a $9-billion purchase of F-35 fighter jets still looms, it’s interesting to note that Santa currently possesses an aircraft capable of travel at speeds scientists calculate at several times the speed of light. Run only on the occasional carrot left out by children and emitting zero carbon emissions, Santa’s crew of eight flying reindeer (with recent Wikileaks cables mentioning a ninth, red-nosed, possible alcoholic reindeer) could theoretically be bred, trained, equipped and combat-ready with the Canadian Military for deployment in Afghanistan as tactical high-speed weapons within a year. Furthermore, in war time Santa’s seemingly unlimited manufacturing resources could be converted into a near-infinite source of munitions for allied forces.

Tony Clement, Industry: Speaking of Santa’s manufacturing prowess, the news that Santa’s workshop falls under Canadian jurisdiction has instantly vaulted Santa into first place among Canadian manufacturers, with an estimated ten billion shipments exported per year. Meanwhile Santa’s workshop also instantly becomes the least-valued major company by TSX investors after posting consistent revenues of $0 per annum, putting them in a virtual tie with Nortel.

Rob Nicholson, Justice: The Government really needs to investigate Santa’s very loose adherence to international patent and copyright law. As the largest manufacturer in the world, Santa operates in a legal grey-area allowing him to recklessly reverse-engineer, replicate and mass-produce products from hundreds of thousands of trademark-holding companies worldwide. According to Nintendo Inc. estimates, Santa has manufactured at least one million Nintendo Wii gaming units over the past four years, with consumers unlikely to be able to spot a North Pole-made knockoff. If Minister Nicholson doesn’t crack down on this massive counterfeiting ring, Canada risks becoming a laughing-stock for their shoddy handling of magical elf workshops.

Lisa Raitt, Labour: Santa’s manufacturing base is maintained by an army of unpaid elf labour working in sweatshop conditions in a system alarmingly similar to slavery. While elf employment rates continue to hover around 100% in the North Pole region (save for the occasional misfit seeking to transition into dentistry), if Santa is truly a Canadian citizen, it’s alarming that we’re allowing one of the world’s worst human-rights violators to operate on our soil.

Jim Flaherty, Finance: From the NattyPost story linked up top:

“He added that Santa’s workshop is GST exempt, but admitted he didn’t get clearance from the minister of finance to say that.”

Typical Conservatives, always cutting taxes for Big-Elf-Manufacturing and screwing over the little guy, am I right? In any case, despite being the world’s largest manufacturer, Santa seems immune to taxation: as a charity he’s income tax-exempt, and as a slaveowner he doesn’t have to pay into CPP or EI. It would be worth investigating whether Santa receives any kickbacks from corporate partners such as Hanes, since based on my research Santa delivers literally hundreds of millions of wool socks every year despite consistently low demand from the world’s children.

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(Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and a grievance-rich Festivus, readers!)