The talk of the nation is Sun TV News, an upstart Quebecor TV network which people are saying is loosely modeled on the wildly popular, mildly informative Fox News network stateside. The new channel promises to offer a more “conservative, non-politically-correct, fiercely patriotic” take on Canadian affairs. A few questions remain: will the CRTC grant the channel must-carry status, which would force all cable companies to provide it to customers? After rumoured names of everyone from Rick Mercer to Kevin Newman to Ezra Levant, what pundits and personalities will the channel be able to lure? Should we expect the kind of brash, bullying right-wing propaganda that Fox News has become known for, and is that a good thing for Canadian citizens to be exposed to? Is there even a need for another 24-hour Canadian news channel when we’ve already got two, neither of which anyone watch? To help us out, we’ve invited one of Sun TV News’ new on-air pundits, host of the Sun TV News’ flagship “Wolfe Pack Report”, conservative pundit Mr. Horatio Diefenbaker Wolfe!

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ARE YOU READY TO HOWL WITH THE WOLFE PACK?

My name’s Horatio, and I’m a proud Canadian. From Calgary, to Edmonton, all the way to Medicine Hat, I love every part of this Goddamn beautiful nation. Except the French, I’m none too happy with them cheese-suckin’ sons o’ surrender-frogs, but that’s a whole other story that you can read about in my new book: “Queblechh: Arguments for Annexation Straight From The Wolfe-man”, available at all fine booksellers. Fine booksellers except for those dirty lefty commies at Chapters who are probably busy selling gift baskets full o’ Pierre Trudeau memoirs, the Communist Manifesto and CBC miniseries about Toronto’s heroic first gay Chinese abortion doctor.

Anyways, back on topic: Canada is the best country in the history of the world, ever. I like my hockey violent, my beer commercials patriotic, and my Tim Hortons loaded with enough cream and sugar to give a moose a stroke. As host of Sun TV News’ new flagship prime-time news-based-opinion-type broadcast, the Wolfe Pack Report, I’ll be giving you the news straight and unfiltered. That’s right, none of that CBC, Toronto lefty propaganda-pukin’ NDP-votin’ nambly-pambly “politically correct” pile o’ road apples. You’re in the WOLFE’S DEN now, baby!

Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to welcome you on this fine day in 2010. Two-thousand and ten, can you believe it? That’s 2000-some-odd years since baby Jesus Christ was born for your sins. That’s right, on this show I’m not afraid to report on our lord and saviour Jesus Christ, and if ya can’t handle it, grab your remote control and go back to letting Peter Man-lovin’s-bridge indoctrinate you to sleep. Anyways, 2010. That’s 143 years since proud Conservative John A. Macdonald founded this beautiful country, 38 years since Paul Henderson defeated Soviet Communism at the Summit Series, and 6 years since the Lie-beral party gave us the shameful SPONSORSHIP SCANDAL, a black eye from which this nation may never recover. For more information on the Sponsorship Scandal, you’ll want to tune into my new 20-part spin-off documentary-tainment Sun TV News Original Miniseries, “The Cretin and The Frogs: How the Fiberals date-raped your country.”

TAKING A BITE OUT OF THE HEADLINES WITH THE WOLFE-MAN!

I designed this logo myself, cuz I'm the WOLFE-MAN. Where's your logo, MANSBRIDGE?

It’s a great time to be a Canadian, with a great, proud leader in Captain Harper at the helm of the beautiful H.M.C.S. Canada, setting sail for Freedom. But trouble is lurking in the waters, my friends. Have you heard about this Twitter gadget? It’s this website on the internet – the very same internet your children use every day – which lets all sorts of lefties around the world compile their vast liberal conspiracies. This latest thing – have you heard about this, folks? – it’s really no surprise to educated Sun TV News personalities like me, but these Goddamn Euro-trash socialists are trying to use the Twitter to “Tweeter” at our elected leader all of their communist nonsense about increasing taxes. Increasing taxes, you heard me right! They want your MONEY, and that’s how socialism starts, and I’m the only one brave enough to tell you about this! I urge my viewers to boycott the Twitter machine, and if your children start using it, give them a good spanking on behalf of Canadian freedom.

Look, I’ve been reading these rags called newspapers, and it’s making me sicker than Don Cherry at a gay disco full of lousy diving Russians. You want real, hard journalism that doesn’t pull any punches? Then you want Sun TV News original reporting! Look at this fine Sun article. It talks about how the government is out to waste your money. Billions of your dollars, wasted! Why? Silly rules, and also goofy rules! We don’t need your fancy Globe and Fail reporters with your ivory-tower University of Whore-onto degrees, we just talk from the gut about what’s really going on, we use words average Canadians understand, like “silly” and “goofy”, and don’t go into any needless detail about what these rules are or where the report can be found, because details like that are for elitists, and we’re just average blue-collar folks telling you news stories from the heart.

THE WOLFE PACK LOCAL BEAT!

In lighter news, you hear about this earthquake? I guess I’m not the only thing that lasts for 30 seconds and that most women reported not feeling at all, HEYO! Go figure that the earthquake originated on a fault line on the Ontario-Quebec border – even the forces of nature (by which I mean Jesus) are trying to separate them from the rest of this country! If I had my way, the earthquake would’ve ripped the whole province of Quebec off, sending it floating across the ocean over to Europe where they can all have metrosexual, French-speaking poutine-orgies for all I care. All those whiny east coast Toronto and Ottawa types were talking about how scary this big ol’ earthquake was. Are you serious, out here in Real Canada, located in all of the provinces that rhyme with Malberta, we’ll get snowstorms in June that’ll freeze Michael Iffy’s bushy eyebrows off and you don’t see us crying on the Tweeter machine about big scary nature. Heck, the next big natural disaster in this country will probably be caused by some goofy Liberal backbencher wagging his chubby chin and creating so much hot air with his Lie-beral propaganda that the changes in air pressure created from the hot air and cold air mixing will create a tornado in Ottawa. If we’re lucky, it’ll rip through those wimps in Toronto before it loses steam, and you’ll see it all live right here on Sun TV News with our new weather girl, Tittanya O’Leggs.

That’s all for this tasty Timbit of a sample of the Wolfe Pack Report with me, Horatio Wolfe. Join us next week when we’ll discuss what the greatest threat to our nation is: Liberals, the CBC, or the flamboyant un-Canadian sport of soccer.

HaaaWooOOOOOOOooooo!

Colin Le Fevre, Liberal hack, attending some sort of hippie drum-circle thing.

Everyone loves interviews, because it gives a chance to meet people, learn about their ideas, and – most importantly – it means we have to do less writing! Here’s a new feature, Ask A Party Hack, where we ask the tough questions of the day to a totally biased partisan we find! If you love the shit out of one party or another and would like to be interviewed, let us know! We’re probably gonna need a Bloc guy at some point. Hell, if you just want to pretend to be a Bloc party insider and just shout French profanity at us, we’re down with that too!

Our Liberal party hack is Colin Le Fevre, whose name is French for Colin The Fevre. He runs a website that he calls “Colin it like it is”. He actually calls it that, un-ironically and everything! He also loves him some Liberals and hates him some Stephen Harper, so we interviewed him with the HARD QUESTIONS!

MAPLE RAG: For each of the following groups of people, give one reason why Stephen Harper hates them: women, students, black people, porn stars, World of Warcraft players, Juno award-winning R&B artist Shawn Desmand.

• Women: Belinda Stronach.

• Students: Because they’re slackers without jobs, being a drain on the liberal social welfare state that Canada is.

• Black people: Because Barack Obama kept him out of the Copenhagen Accord negotiations.

• Porn stars: Because they’re godless heathens

• World of Warcraft players: He actually doesn’t. I assume that Harper was a player of whatever the 1960’s equivalent of World of Warcraft was. He sympathizes with their social awkwardness.

• Juno award-winning R&B artist Shawn Desmand: First things first, it’s “Shawn Desman,” [Son of a bitch! -ed.] but this is a really easy answer. Harper doesn’t like the non-conformist, liberal sideways mohawk he sports.

Colin's right, it DOES slant left!

MAPLERAG: If Michael Ignatieff were a car, what car would he be? What meat product would he be? What meat product would Stephen Harper be?

Iggy would be a Toyota – for the most part very dependable, but foreign made. Also seems to have a problem fixing a few big internal issues right now. In terms of meat? Filet Mingnon – classy and foreign… but the best hands down.

Harper? Well, I’m wondering why no car? You get it anyway. Harper is an old Chevette. Out of date, useless, and bankrupt (in Harper’s case, morally). Meat? Ground beef – many uses, but they’re all bad for you.

MAPLERAG: Policy Hack Test! Name the most interesting bill currently before parliament, by its real C-### name, and struggle to explain what makes it at all interesting.

What bills before parliament? There are none. Remember when Harper killed them all? When he ran away from the opposition with his tail between his legs? Yea, when he did that all the bills went away.

I guess that’s not entirely true – private member’s bills survive prorogation, [SEE, SMART GUY -ed.] so lets go with Bill C-391, the bill to repeal the gun registry. Now, this bill has essentially passed, so it doesn’t matter that much, but it’s still sort of circulating.

The jist of the bill? “Guns good, registering them bad, waste of money.” Somehow this comes from the “tough on crime” Conservatives though. Makes no sense to this Liberal hack.

MAPLERAG: It was a trick question, there’s no such thing as interesting parliament bills! Next question: who’s the hottest Canadian politician?

Nikki Ashton, hands down. Is there really any competition there?

No. There isn't.

MAPLERAG: Snooki, J-WOWW, Sammi Sweetheart, or Angelina?

Angelina for sure. She was smart enough to get the hell out of there. Although I guess she is missing out on the cash these guys seem to be making these days – which I honestly don’t understand. Seriously, who the hell wants to see these guys? They drink, fight, party, take their clothes off… wait, I finally get it…

MAPLERAG: Why should MapleRag readers (e.g. alcoholic degenerates) vote for Michael Ignatieff in the snap federal election that will be called this spring?

Seriously, why not? Harper has had his chance and in that time our international reputation as leaders has tanked out, we’ve had a huge economic downturn that has not recovered despite his “Economic Action Plan” propaganda BS, we’ve had a huge scandal relating to Afghan detainees that the Conservatives are refusing to acknowledge despite being required to by the House, they bungled the H1N1 vaccine purchases, and I could go on and on…

They have had their chance for the last 4 years, have not moved us forward at all, and in many areas have moved us backwards. Why should we keep them in? Yes, Liberal governments in the past haven’t been perfect – I will admit that, but they implement progressive policies that move us forward as a country. Harper has shown he has no ability to do this.

Harper has had his chance and has failed, it’s time to replace him with a government who will actually work for Canadians – not just themselves.

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THE END! THANKS, COLIN! Come back next week when we’ll interview Stephen Harper and dare him to drink a shotglass of tabasco sauce, he totally won’t do it.

The worst ZZ Top cover band ever

When Parliament’s prorogued, it’s kind of hard to get good political news. The news cycle has pretty much been “Liberals outraged at prorogue”, “Conservatives shrug in apathy”, “Oh hey look more Tiger Woods shit!” So let’s look at some broader stories, one of which has been firing up Globe&Fail mouthpieces lately: the weird fetish Stephen Harper has for all things Jewish!

Start here with Gerald Caplan offering what I thought was a pretty good overview. Summary if you’re too lazy to click: the Tories have practically been painting giant Stars of David on their chests lately, which is weird, considering Jews make up less than 1% of the country, most of which already live in Toronto or Montreal where they’re already entrenched in Fort Liberal territory. Prime example of this: a bunch of flyers mailed to Jewish neighbourhoods that feature Harper wearing a yarmulka, wrapped in an Israeli flag, eating gefilte fish and spinning a dreidel (OK, or something like that) while a sneering Iggy flies his elitist private jet over Israel, sky-writing “I HATE YOUR COUNTRY” with the exhaust trail (OK, close enough.)

Currently Listening: Stephen Harper feat. Jewpac Shakur & Dr. Dreidel - "Representin' & Defendin' (Klezmer Remix)"

Then, Caplan wrote a followup a week later, which is more on the topic of the Tories’ grandstanding fight against antisemitism, which is (1) a little ridiculous, as if they’re the only political party who would dare take a controversial stance like “antisemitism is bad, mkay?”, and (2) hurting funding to legitimate NGO’s who do good work, but who are a bit more squeamish with the whole Israel thing. Sidenote: don’t read any of the comments on either article, Globe&Fail commenters are generally the kind of raving loonies you cross the sidewalk to avoid, and throwing them an explosive topic like Israel is like jumping into the lion’s den with a suit made of T-bone steaks.

In walks Reform Party mouthpiece Ezra Levant, the noted Western Standard founder and muslim-baiter, to mess with Caplan’s shit. Ezra foams at the mouth for a while, saying that Harper isn’t embracing Jews just to grandstand in front of pro-Israel Christian voters, he’s actually fighting the terrorists!!! Terrorists are everywhere, you see, and unless Harper sends a flyer to your house saying how much he loves Israel more than Iggy, then the scary Terrorist under your bed is gonna get ya.

I’ve got a SPECIAL GUEST to get to, so I won’t mess with Ezra’s shit too much. But if you read Ezra’s third paragraph, where he tries to paraphrase one of Caplan’s arguments, you’ll realize that Ezra really didn’t get what the fuck Caplan was talking about. Caplan was talking about fundamentalist American Christians’ embrace of pro-Israel policies in order to fall in line with scriptural prophesies from the Book of Revelation (an old, well-known phenomenon that’s been written about a million places) and mentions the irony of how fundy Christians had, not too long ago, been adamantly anti-Jewish, before the new wave of prophetic, rapture-crazy Protestantism took over, and they all became Israel superfans. Ezra only saw the word Hitler, and his eyes rolled back into his head in an orgiastic Godwin’s Law overload. Anyways. Shutup, Ezra Levant.

SPECIAL GUEST JEW

Likes: Schmoozing, Schmutter. Dislikes: Schmucks, Schlock.

Romi Levine is a good Jewish girl who runs her own blog. We interviewed her on the topic of Harper’s embrace of her fellow chosen ones!

MAPLERAG: Stephen Harper: good mentch, or goyish schmuck?

ROMI: Goyish schmuck trying to pose as a new age Moses. Not doing a great job. He’s not even trying to hide his brown nosing towards Jewish Canadians

MAPLERAG: Does it make you feel happy how much he loves Jews? If the Prime Minister told me he loved me, I dunno, I’d kinda feel happy.

ROMI: It’s a false love. It’s like saying “oh, I love your outfit!” when you think the person looks like a fat bitch. I guess he just thinks a little white lie will go a long way / get him votes.

MAPLERAG: Do you think Harper’s getting fat? Would you tell him that?

ROMI: He could lose a couple pounds I guess. If I ever get around to meeting him (most likely never – journalists and Mr. Harper don’t cross paths very often), perhaps I’ll casually mention how effective weight watchers is. I don’t want to hurt his feelings right off the bat. I want to be the bigger person (not physically).

MAPLERAG: Finally, what do you think the Prime Minister has to gain from actively courting a minority that makes up less than 1% of the country and a lot of whom already vote Conservative?

ROMI: Some money? I couldn’t think of any other reason. I would be wary though. If I lent him a Toonie for a cup of coffee, I don’t think he’d pay me back.

Too bad Harper only pays for his coffee with oversized Conservative-logo-branded novelty cheques. (Ugh, look at me, I’m doing 4-month-old logogate jokes. What am I, Air Farce?) Anyways, thanks Romi!