Duuuuude, have you ever voted in a federal election..... on WEED?

It’s time for part 2 of our series, Better Know a Fringe Political Party Recognized By Elections Canada! Today, we look at the Marijuana Party of Canada – the fightin’ potheads!

HISTORY

To Wikipedia!

“The party was founded by Marc-Boris St-Maurice, an activist and member of the punk group GrimSkunk. After a 1991 arrest for possession of marijuana, he vowed to legalize cannabis.”

GrimSkunk was alright, but they were no MorbidRaccoon, and not even in the same league as ChurlishBadger. Anyways, how convenient of you, Mr. St-Maurice! “Dude, I got busted for pot… maybe I’ll create a political party, become Prime Minister, abolish my criminal record, and then my mom will totally get off my case about going to probation hearings and shit.” Actually, this is a more elaborate backstory than I was expecting, I thought the Wikipedia article would begin with

“The Marijuana Party of Canada was founded when some dudes got tooootally stoned while watching a Star Wars marathon on SpikeTV, and one dude was like, haha, let’s start a POLITICAL PARTY, and the other was like, dude, are you serious, that would owwwn, and he was like, yeah man, then they took another bong hit and totally called Elections Canada and now like, hah, are you serious man, we’re like, a political party!”

Anyways, to paraphrase the next few paragraphs of paranoid rambling on the Wikipedia article, the party was big for a few years in the mid-2000s (a 4th-place finish and almost 8% of the vote in the riding of Nunavut? What are those crazy Iqaluiters smokin’?) But these days after already getting their big victories (decriminalizing possession of small amounts of marijuana, legalizing medicinal marijuana), they’re basically just an obsolete old shell of their former self. With all of the serious members having already joined the Liberals, NDPs or Greens where they have a shot at actual marijuana reform, the Marijuana Party today is left as a loose collection of a few rambling, stoned weirdos.

It smells like the bus driver's jacket!

POLICIES

Weed rules.

No, seriously. That’s their entire policy. They have no official policy book, no plans, no opinions on areas like social issues, healthcare, finance, education… their one, single policy is that weed rules, and you should smoke weed. Hearing Marijuana Party candidates debate is hilarious, because although they’re free to stray from the norm and inject their own opinions to fill the gaps in their policies (i.e., every candidate has wildly different policies in every area other than “weed rules”, making the party fairly redundant), they still try to involve weed in any possible policy debate.

What are you plans regarding taxation? Smoke weed, it’ll help the economy, and like, everything’ll work out. What are your healthcare plans? If people smoked weed, like, everyone would be cured of everything man, check out this article about all the diseases weed cures, I got it from High Times. What would you do in Afghanistan? Send them weed, man.

MEMBERS

Alright, let’s go to their official forums, see what the most popular topic is…

“9/11 was an inside job. Terrorism and war is profitable to Bush and his friends. Harper is with them, call that Big Brother or New World Order.”

Oh, um, alright! I mean, this is probably just some loony who’s toked the wrong stuff, it can’t be like there’s… 461 replies… almost all of which agree with him, and get more and more tinfoil-hat paranoid…

Blair Longley: your next Prime Minister

Most of the posts in the forum are by Blair T. Longley himself, the actual leader of the party! Here’s one where some poor schoolkid got assigned to write a report about political parties, and being the class clown, he totally decided to write his report about the Marijuana Party. Since the teacher wanted the kid to write about the party’s stance on actual issues, and since the party has no stances other than “smoke weed”, he needed to go onto the message board and ask the leader of the party to address his questions. Sure enough, Blair answers! Talk about access, imagine Iggy personally writing you huge, semi-coherent message board posts for your Grade 10 Civics report on the Liberals!

Anyways, Blair does a pretty horrible job of answering the question directly (to be fair it was a hard question, a school student asking “Name any of your party’s policies” to the leader of a political party isn’t as easy as answering, say, “Water bong or vaporizer?”), and he gives a long, paranoid answer where he links this poor kid to all this Zeitgeist-y, debt-is-slavery, libertarian-ish gobbledygook. Poor kid. I hope he did well on his report, “The Marijuana Party: A Bunch Of Insane Old Stoners Goin’ Nuts.”

DUDE, I THINK IT JUST HIT ME

Maaan, it’s like, my brain’s floating out of my skull, I can feel it man, eheheahahaha, I can’t stop giggling, holy shit

DO YOU KNOW HOW TO MAKE QUESADILLAS

I want to make, like… 5 quesadillas, with like, melted cheese, quac, sour cream, and like, man, I’d put like those KFC popcorn chicken, you know, I’d put those into the quesadilla, it would be so good man

HAVE YOU EVER, LIKE, REALLY LOOKED AT A KEYBOARD

It’s like the keys are dancing up and down, they’re sticking out at my fingers, and when I press them, it’s like, they’re pressing me, you know? My mind is totally blown, dude.

PUT ON SOME FLEETWOOD MAC

I’m just gonna veg out on your couch for a while bro.

Staffer 1: Alright, we need something fun, something fresh, something to get people involved! Web 2.0! Social networking! New media! Rap music! Buzzword! Buzzword!

Staffer 2: What’s that thing Rick Mercer does on his show, where he makes people whip up funny Photoshopped pictures of politicians? Wanna just rip that off?

Staffer 1: Don’t you think it’s kind of inappropriate for a national political party to be ripping off a prime time comedy show? Could you imagine how tacky it would seem if  the Democratic Party in the US took their policy ideas from Letterman sketches? Also, doesn’t a “Photoshop the Prime Minister doing funny things” contest seem incredibly petty? You realize people are just going to paste his face onto a transexual hooker, wouldn’t that reflect poorly on any kind of serious political point we would be trying to make? Also, what if every Liberal who participates sucks at Photoshop?

Staffer 2: Sorry, I didn’t hear you, I was busy making up the contest site. Ooh, entries are pouring in!

Let’s see what they came up with! The theme of the contest was loosely “Photoshop places that Harper would rather be than Copenhagen”, but it quickly devolved into “Crudely cut-and-paste Harper’s face in Microsoft Paint onto any old wacky picture you can find.” The third prize was literally a few lumps of coal, so at least you can’t accuse the Liberals of wasting too much money on all of this.

Entry #1: Serena, Ottawa

What in the name of Cowboy Jesus is this? For one, the graphic designer in me is pained – pained! – by the cut-and-paste job. They just took the circle tool, cut a perfect circle out of the middle of Harper’s face, then plopped it onto Lady Gaga for some damn reason, ignoring the microphone and hair that should be in the foreground. The caption makes so little sense I’m not even touching it, unless there’s some hilarious joke I’m just not getting. Yes, this image of the Prime Minister’s face on an image of pansexual freakshow Lady Gaga is featured on the official website of Canada’s oldest and most revered political institution. God help us. Grade: D, for Harper’s lack of a puh-puh-puh-poker face.

Entry #2: Richard, Ottawa

HAHA, GET IT, IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE… uh… gay sex? “Making jokes about the Prime Minister having gay sex with Heath Ledger” is a totally legitimate, serious political point to be making. It’s in the Red Book. At least the Photoshop work’s better, but come on people, HUE, BALANCE, BLUR! Grade: B- because I wish I could quit this.

Entry #3: Richard & Emily, Guelph

HAHA, GET IT? Remember when that black guy did that stuff at those awards, a few months ago, and then everyone started making all those jokes about it? Hah! It’s topical! Any other cutting-edge jokes you want to strike while the iron’s hot? Maybe some topical Susan Boyle jokes? Maybe a wacky joke about Sanjaya? Hey, maybe you should’ve put Harper’s face on Octomom, and then make his kids Balloon Boy and Bernie Madoff! Shit, I’d better keep some of these gold ideas to myself, I could be the lucky winner of that lump of coal! Grade: C, yo I’ma let you finish, but 3 months ago was the best time for this joke of all time, of all time.

Entry #4: Craig, too embarrassed to give his location or other identifying details

OH FOR SHIT’S SAKE ARE YOU PEOPLE EVEN TRYING TO WIN THAT LUMP OF COAL? Grade: F, although I do appreciate Peter MacKay’s jugs.

Conclusion: Liberal volunteers should never be allowed near graphic design software.

[Source: Official Liberal site, I'm serious, their real site, they actually ran this contest, this is real]

By choosing Stevie as their fashionable posterboy, think of all the male models they were putting out of honest work. Those male models rely on things like Harry Rosen photoshoots to buy the single servings of zero-calorie granola bars that they need to survive. Or is Harper really a dashing, stylish fashionista, and we just hadn’t noticed it? We convened a panel to dish on Steve’s style over the years!

Entry #1: Brokeback Prime Minister

Harper at the Calgary Stampede, 2005

Matt: I wish I could quit you.

Jenn: My favourite part is how miserable he looks. It’s like when parents make their kids dress up in frilly little dresses and mini-tuxedos for weddings and stuff, and the kids just look all mopey and slouched over.

Matt: The hell’s going on with his head? The hat’s so huge and awkward, but his head’s so bulbous and pink, and his neck seems to have disappeared out of shame.

Jenn: Does Colonel Sanders know his tie was stolen?

Matt: Do the Village People know their leather vests were stolen?

Jenn: I wasn’t gonna say anything about the vest, I’m glad you went there. I’m just happy his assless leather chaps aren’t pictured.

Entry #2: Kitty Kitty Bang Bang

Harper with a kitten, definitely not about to eat it, why would you even think that

Jenn: DAMNIT LAUREEN, WHEN I SAID I WANTED A PUSSY PICTURE…

Matt: Oh, ugh, gross, stop, mental images, no.

Jenn: This is the creepiest picture ever. Look at his dead, sunken, blue eyes. Look at the terror in the cat’s eyes. HE’S GOING TO EAT THE CAT.

Matt: Harper showing his “sensitive feminine side” is a whole new level of awkwardness previously unknown to awkwardness scientists. It’s like when your 60-year-old high school math teacher tries to write a “rap” to connect with the kids, and the whole thing is just so soul-crushingly awful that all you can do is just roll your eyes and pretend it doesn’t exist.

Jenn: Yeah, plus, nice popped-collar on that sweater, douche. The whole trying-way-too-hard-to-seem-casual vibe from the unzipped sweater and unbuttoned dress shirt gives this weird vibe that this could be the cover to some forgotten 60s lounge singer’s “romantic classics” record.

Entry #3: Vietdamn

Harper in a traditional Vietnamese tunic at the 2006 APEC summit, Hanoi, Vietnam

MapleBot: ERROR: IDENTICAL IMAGE FOUND ON SERVER:

Matt: Well-said, MapleBot.

Entry #4: The Three Amigos

US President Bush, Mexican President Fox and Canadian Prime Minister Harper at a 2006 NAFTA meeting in Cancun, Mexico

Matt: US President George W. Bush (left) discusses foreign policy with the guy from the Colombian Coffee commercials (centre) and a fly fisherman who somehow got lost on his way to Thunder Bay (right).

Jenn: Honestly, this is NAFTA, not a freaking camping trip. You don’t need to raid Mountain Equipment Co-Op. You don’t need all of those pockets. You’re at a resort in Cancun.

Matt: Harper’s just prepared to look the part in case we travel back in time and the Korean War starts again. Then who’ll be the slick-looking infantryman with the breezy cargo pants and multipurpose flak vest, and who’ll look like the weirdos wearing weather-appropriate neatly-pressed white dress shirts?

Jenn: If you showed this picture to a kid in some far-flung African village who’d never seen a newspaper or owned a television, and you asked them to point at which one of these men looks like the Canadian, they’d score 100%. He’d might as well be wearing a ratty old Tragically Hip trucker hat.

Matt: At least it’s not one of his fucking Bill Cosby-style sweatervests.

Consensus!

Stephen Harper’s horrible fashion sense will single-handedly ruin the once-revered Harry Rosen brand, and rich douchebags will be forced to shop at Banana Republic instead.

[Original article: Globe & Fail]

#1: Same fascist s**t as usual. What’s next? Emergency services only in French?

#2: We are at war, so we are no longer Peacekeepers. Canada is becoming fertile breeding ground for terrorists, so we can no longer claim the moral high ground in that respect.  Ethnic conflict are rampant in the large urban centres, as various immigrant groups bring their violence and hatred to this country.  Urban ethnic ghettoization is common- the end result of our great cultural diversity experiment.

#3: I haven’t seen the ad but the truth of the matter is blacks simply will never gravitate towards hockey no matter how much the NHL wishes they did (ie: cool factor).

#4: It looks very much like she is part of a larger agenda, something about moslems trying to soften up Canadian officials to get easier treatment in the future.

#5: What can we expect from immigrants from countries that promote genocide, extremism, and aggressive behaviour?

#6: “Canadian” used to mean more than hanging around long enough to get a piece of paper and learning how to sue the government

#7: That’s the thing with the Canadian media, a story is here today and gone tomorrow. And, they never report the race of a suspect either which really bothers me.

#8: You can’t speak English or French? Well too bad loser and don’t think for one minute I support translators being supplied. This is Canada son, so speak the lingo or crawl back to the cess pit you came from.

#9: Does marrying first or 2nd cousins which some Muslims do, bring about a mental illness called terrorism?  Just asking.

#10: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again….Canada refuses to learn the hard lessons…….Multiculturalism Does NOT Work!!!!  Just ask the UK and Netherlands!  What in God’s name do we think makes us different in that respect?  I’m a senior citizen, born in this country, proud of Canada’s heritage and would like to see us keep it!  If we keep up with this silliness we’ll have no heritage!!  WAKE UP CANADA!!!

Alright, get yer answers in, read on for the results:

#1: National Post, by Gone South

#2: National Post, by sealy

#3: Stormfront, by European Pride

#4: National Post, by welldoneson

#5: Stormfront, by RELENTLESSWOLF

#6: National Post, by Fred_001

#7: Stormfront, by TemperAlles

#8: Stormfront, by Evil One

#9: National Post, by commentaddict

#10: National Post, by alpha_1

Pass your completed tests to the front of the class for grading.

Plus, sometimes it’s possible to hate a person just from seeing their face, so, that’ll come in handy later for our “Worst MP” contest!

Left: Rob Anders, Calgary West (Cons.) Right: Harold from The Red Green Show

Left: Leon Benoit, Vegreville—Wainwright (Cons.) Right: Beeker

More after the jump!

Left: Jean-Pierre Blackburn, Jonquière—Alma (Cons.) Right: Emperor Palpatine, Lord of the Sith

Left: Lois Brown, Newmarket-Aurora (Cons.) Right: Renee Zellweger, back when she was in "Bridget Jones" mode, not hot Renee Zellweger

Left: Claude DeBellefeuille, Beauharnois-Salaberry (BQ) Right: Tony Clement, Parry Sound-Muskoka (Cons.)

Left: Mark Holland, Ajax-Pickering (Lib.) Right: Butthead

Oh, we’re just getting started, you bet your sweet ass there’ll be more. It’s our new favourite game!

Send us your suggestions, too. Don’t be shy, anonymous reader. Comment box’s right there, hon.