The American Invasion has been compromised.

The plan is off. I repeat, Operation Bravo-Lima is a no-go. Emergency procedure zed is in effect immediately by order of Central Canadian Command.

Central Command has issued a request to broadcast this message on all available secure mediums where unfriendly forces would be unable to intercept our message. Canadian operatives in the field will be receiving this message through a variety of mediums that only Canadians would have access to – encrypted wireless devices, coded radio signals, Corner Gas re-runs and, of course, Canadian political blogs. Since the odds of American forces reading a blog about Canadian politics are virtually nil, we have chosen to do our duty as members of the Media branch of Operation Beaverlord in order to spread this urgent message.

Please alert any Canadian operatives that you know of currently operating in the American theatre to evacuate to the nearest Canadian-friendly base. If their mission is in peril or if they suspect American forces have uncovered them, tell them to hide out in the nearest Canadian consulate or hockey arena until Canadian paramilitary are able to evacuate them in the next possible flight back to Canada, where they will be debriefed and relieved of their duties.

You have all done the Canadian Motherland proud. The mission’s failure was beyond our control, you operatives performed your assigned duties in outstanding fashion. Admiral Celine (Nevada operations) wanted me to personally thank each of you for your devotion to the cause.

Now that the plan has been canceled, I am at liberty to discuss the full, declassified details of Operation Beaverlord. I know that each of you knew a segment of the plan and were assigned a task related to a specific mission objective when all Canadians were covertly approached in late 2008, but for the first time since the plan’s inception, Central command is now at liberty to divulge the full scope of the now-aborted mission details. Commander Trebek (Cmdr., Knowledge & Research Branch) would like to thank every Canadian citizen for their excellent stealth and secrecy in accomplishing their specific objectives: without your silence, the Americans would have found us out long before this.

—DECLASSIFIED TO CANADIAN OPERATIVES—

Cmdr. Trebek, instrumental in planning the psychological attack

WARNING: This information is still HIGHLY sensitive, and should NOT be allowed to fall into American hands.

In the case of a suspected foreign plant, the Mission password is “Rrrroll up the Rim to Win” – Americans tongues are incapable of the correct pronunciation.

MISSION STATEMENT: OPERATION BEAVERLORD is the codename for a long-term mission to slowly and covertly invade the United States of America by Canadian agents using a variety of highly secretive paramilitary, cultural and psychological means. The end goal will be total amalgamation of the United States into Canadian territory. All Canadian citizens will be chosen based on their skills, positions and influence to covertly aid in a certain objective of this mission.

THIS MISSION IS CONFIDENTIAL. Canadians may not discuss the mission outside of official Operation Beaverlord safehouses, such as designated Tim Hortons or curling arenas. Your fellow Canadians are expected to accomplish their assigned duties, and you are expected to do yours in as secretive a manner as possible. Leaking any information about the plan to Americans could be disastrous.

We will take advantage of the trusting nature of Americans, the mostly unguarded border, the high penetration of prominent Canadians in positions of American power, and our reputation as “friendly” and “polite” in order to take the Americans by surprise. By the time you are reading this, all Canadians have been issued a role within the plan by Central Command. Your country depends on you.

OBJECTIVE ONE: CULTURAL GOALS

The American people, despite their massive military might and global influence, can easily be divided into groups based on simple tastes and preferences. Canadian operatives have been at work for years secretly infiltrating these segments of the American population, and slowly exploiting their weaknesses while building sympathy for the Canadian cause.

MISSION: NICKELBACK was an outstanding success in building a rapport with a sociocultural segment we’ve identified as “white trash”. Very early in the planning stages of Operation Beaverlord, a group of top-level Canadian agents were chosen to appeal to the trashy, Bud-swilling, Nascar-watching mulleted masses of middle America. Their look and songs were carefully cultivated for mass appeal and recognition to the White Trash Base through repetition in order to slowly build trust in the idea of Canadians among them. With this important first step, Canadians had gained a foothold into the consciousness of a huge amount of Americans who could later be turned towards the Canadian-sympathizer cause.

MISSION: LAVIGNE was the codename for a cultural objective to infiltrate America’s teenage youth. The agent in question, Avril Lavigne, a highly-gifted Canadian teenager with multiple scholarships to top Canadian medical and business schools before being approached for this project, was told that she would be an ideal candidate for a confidential Canadian project to infiltrate American teen pop music. The brilliant Lavigne, with an affinity for advanced physics and a passion for classic literature, was transformed with the adoption of what became the Avril Lavigne character – a fictional skater-girl simpleton who sang simple, three-chord pop-punk songs about angst and cute boys. With her droning, cult-like repetitiveness, Agent Lavigne’s goal was to slowly gain the trust of America’s volatile angsty-teen population while slowly teaching middle America to pronounce her francophone name, an important first step in the end-goal (Objective: 2015) of forcing official bilingualism on the American subjects. To this end, we would be remiss if we did not pay our respects to Agent Bublé, whose fame made Americans acclimatized not only to French surnames, but also the accent aigu.

MISSION: BIEBER, a currently-ongoing mission to infiltrate America’s preteen population with an unwavering, passionate devotion to a Canadian agent, was a plan intended to brainwash America’s youth in order to set a strong foundation for the operation’s future. Given this particular agent’s surprising popularity with the enemy, despite his clear inability to sing, Central Command has decided to proceed with it in order to fund future operations and therefore I am not at liberty to discuss its still-confidential details.

MISSION: BLUEHAIR was intended to recruit Canadian citizens who had gained positions of power among elderly Americans before the introduction of Operation Beaverlord, and to recruit them to the Canadian cause in order to build sympathy for the coming invasion. Celine Dion was immediately promoted to Admiral for this mission, thanks to her lifetime dedication to spreading a pro-Canadian, pro-French, pro-brain-numbing-drivel-you’d-hear-in-a-dentist’s-chair-before-a-huge-fucking-needle-went-into-your-jaw musical style to her helplessly vulnerable base of old, boring white Americans hauling their fat asses to Wal-Mart to buy Truck Nutz for their electric scooter. Agents Adams, Twain, Lightfoot, Murray and Cohen (combined Juno awards: 7,394) all immediately agreed to join the cause when they were approached with this mission.

With a two-pronged strategy attacking both America’s preteens and senior citizens, the nation’s draft-ready 20-45 year olds, entrusted with protecting the world’s only superpower from invasion, would be generationally flanked on both sides by Canadian sympathizers among their own citizens.

OBJECTIVE ONE: INFILTRATION GOALS

***[WARNING - MESSAGE IS COMPROMISED, WILL CONTINUE AT A LATER DATE]***

[end transmission]

After trying for half a year to make this Canadian politics blog a success, we’ve reached the point of stagnancy. Canadian politics stories just don’t have the glitter factor they once did. Since we still own the MapleRag.com domain for another year, we – Matt and Jenn – have decided to take this website in another direction.

Our true passion, as our friends know, is the entertainment world. From celebrity scandal to all the hot gossip from Manhattan to Hollywood, we’re constantly tracking which uberhotties are hooking up and which mega-celebs are wrapped in scaaaandaaal. Since politics are such a boring, niche thing, we’ve decided to branch out into the entertainment world.

Starting this afternoon, MapleRag will get a total design rehaul to reflect the glitz and glam of today’s celebrity gossip sites. Based on the models of TMZ and Perez Hilton, we expect to become one of Canada’s leaders in celebrity news, snark and the hottest photos of all your favourite megastars. Keep reading for a sneak peak!

…

…

…

April Fools, motherfucker.

As always, attractiveness will be judged using the terminology of skip’s sweeping calls, ranging from “Right Off!” on the low end to a variety of hoarsely-shouted variations on “Hard!” and “Hurry!” on the high end.

TEAM CANADA. Skip: Cheryl Bernard, Third: Susan O'Connor, Second: Carolyn Darbyshire, Lead: Cori Bartel

Oh, you KNOW we gotta start things off with a HURRY HARD. / Alright, just clean now. / Right off guys, right offfff. / Ehh… clean it? Yeah, clean.

TEAM CHINA. Skip: Wang Bingyu, Third: Liu Yin, Second: Yue Qingshuang, Lead: Zhou Yan, Alternate: Liu Jinli

Right ooooooff. / Alright, gotta go now, looks light. / Keep going hard guys, HARD! / Whoa! Whooooa! / I, um… maybe? Huh? I’m leaving this one up to the sweepers.

TEAM DENMARK. Lead: Camilla Jensen, Third: Denise Dupont, Fourth: Madeleine Dupont, Skip who throws second for some reason: Angelina Jensen

HARD HARD, but watch out for that bit of debris on the lip of the rock. / Yeaaah, keep going hard guys. / Hard! Really hard! PUSH IT! / FINISH HARD! HURRYYYYY!

TEAM GERMANY. Skip: Andrea Schöpp, Third: Monika Wagner, Second: Melanie Robillard, Lead: Stella Heiß, Alternate: Corinna Scholz

Whoa guys. Whoa. Whoa-whoa-whoa-whooooa. / Whoooooa. NEVER. / YES! HARD NOW! RIGHT ON IT HARD! / KEEP GOING HARD! / HUUUURRRYYYYYYY!

TEAM GREAT BRITAIN. Third: Jackie Lockhart, Skip: Eve Muirhead, Lead: Lorna Vevers, Second being mauled by her teammates: Kelly Wood

Alright, sweep it, yep! / HARD. HARD! HARD HARD HARD HAAAAARRRRRRD!! / Whoa, ease off a bit guys, it’s a bit heavy… / GO. HARD. NOW. I SWEAR TO GOD, HURRY HARD. IF YOU’RE NOT SWEEPING RIGHT NOW YOU’RE FIRED OFF THE TEAM.

TEAM JAPAN. (Top Left) Skip: Moe Meguro, Second: Mari Motohashi, (Bottom Left) Third: Anna Ohmiya, (Right) Lead: Kotomi Ishizaki

(Top left): Alright, go hard. Let’s see some sweeping, hard. / Yep! Keep going guys. HARD. / (Bottom left): Alright, ease off a bit guys, eeeeasy… / (Right): ALRIGHT GIVE IT ALL YOU’VE GOT HARD. HARRRRD!

TEAM RUSSIA. Lead: Ekaterina Galkina, Second: Nkeiruka Ezekh, Skip: Ludmila Privivkova, Third: Anna Sidorova (NOTE: Used to be Olga Jarkova, but she was replaced by Anna at the last second), Alternate: Margarita Fomina

YES. HARD. / HARD. HARD. / HARD HARD FOR GOD’S SAKE WHY AREN’T YOU SWEEPING HARD. HURRRYYYY. / SERIOUSLY, SWEEP. IF YOU STOP SWEEPING I WILL SHOOT YOU. I BROUGHT A GUN. I’M ABOUT TO GO BIATHLON ON THIS SHIT. YES I’M SERIOUS. / DID YOU NOT HEAR WHAT I JUST SAID? NEVER. STOP. SWEEPING.

(Note about Team Russian Supermodel: Originally, their vice was Olga Jarkova, seen at the right. They replaced her with the more supermodel-esque Anna Sidorova, whom I crudely cut-and-pasted over Olga’s face in the image above. Did the Honourable Russian Commissar Of Sports For The Motherland request a last-minute switcheroo before Vancouver to get more media spotlight? MapleRag Exclusive Bombshell Revealed!)

TEAM SWEDEN. Lead: Anna Le Moine, Second: Cathrine Lindahl, Third: Eva Lund, Skip: Anette Norberg

Ehhh… sweep. Absolutely sweep. I was a bit hesitant with the line call, but yeah, definitely hard. / Off. Off. Nope. Noooope. / Uhhhh… yep, alright. Go hard now! / Jesus. Uh, off. Right off. Right, off. (Bonus: Here’s this team appearing in a heavy metal video!)

TEAM SWITZERLAND. Lead: Janine Greiner, Second: Carmen Küng, Third: Carmen Schäfer, Skip: Mirjam Ott

ABSOLUTELY HARD, I DON’T CARE WHAT THE SWEEPERS SAY. HARD. / HARD HARD HARD HARD. / HARDHARDHARDHARDHARD. / Snowboarder Shaun White, what are you doing on the ice?!

TEAM U! S! A! U! S! A! Third: Allison Pottinger, Second: Nicole Joraanstad, Skip: Debbie McCormick, Lead: Natalie Nicholson

Yep, hard guys, hurry hard! / AN EMPHATIC AND UNIVERSAL HAAAARD. / Clean now, just clean. / … Y’know what, sweep it hard, but… I wouldn’t admit to any of my buddies I wanted to sweep it. It just looks like it needs sweeping.

__________________

OVERALL WINNERS: Russia. Was this even fair? They assembled a team of models who may or may not be able to curl.

Honourable mention goes to Denmark. Second honourable mention goes out to Switzerland, since they all look pretty good in the photo above, even though it’s clearly a publicity shot that’s been airbrushed more than a Penthouse centrefold. Third honourable mention goes to the Scottish lasses of Great Britain, because you’re an emotionless robot if you’re not in love with that photo of them.

Happy curling!

Colin Le Fevre, Liberal hack, attending some sort of hippie drum-circle thing.

Everyone loves interviews, because it gives a chance to meet people, learn about their ideas, and – most importantly – it means we have to do less writing! Here’s a new feature, Ask A Party Hack, where we ask the tough questions of the day to a totally biased partisan we find! If you love the shit out of one party or another and would like to be interviewed, let us know! We’re probably gonna need a Bloc guy at some point. Hell, if you just want to pretend to be a Bloc party insider and just shout French profanity at us, we’re down with that too!

Our Liberal party hack is Colin Le Fevre, whose name is French for Colin The Fevre. He runs a website that he calls “Colin it like it is”. He actually calls it that, un-ironically and everything! He also loves him some Liberals and hates him some Stephen Harper, so we interviewed him with the HARD QUESTIONS!

MAPLE RAG: For each of the following groups of people, give one reason why Stephen Harper hates them: women, students, black people, porn stars, World of Warcraft players, Juno award-winning R&B artist Shawn Desmand.

• Women: Belinda Stronach.

• Students: Because they’re slackers without jobs, being a drain on the liberal social welfare state that Canada is.

• Black people: Because Barack Obama kept him out of the Copenhagen Accord negotiations.

• Porn stars: Because they’re godless heathens

• World of Warcraft players: He actually doesn’t. I assume that Harper was a player of whatever the 1960’s equivalent of World of Warcraft was. He sympathizes with their social awkwardness.

• Juno award-winning R&B artist Shawn Desmand: First things first, it’s “Shawn Desman,” [Son of a bitch! -ed.] but this is a really easy answer. Harper doesn’t like the non-conformist, liberal sideways mohawk he sports.

Colin's right, it DOES slant left!

MAPLERAG: If Michael Ignatieff were a car, what car would he be? What meat product would he be? What meat product would Stephen Harper be?

Iggy would be a Toyota – for the most part very dependable, but foreign made. Also seems to have a problem fixing a few big internal issues right now. In terms of meat? Filet Mingnon – classy and foreign… but the best hands down.

Harper? Well, I’m wondering why no car? You get it anyway. Harper is an old Chevette. Out of date, useless, and bankrupt (in Harper’s case, morally). Meat? Ground beef – many uses, but they’re all bad for you.

MAPLERAG: Policy Hack Test! Name the most interesting bill currently before parliament, by its real C-### name, and struggle to explain what makes it at all interesting.

What bills before parliament? There are none. Remember when Harper killed them all? When he ran away from the opposition with his tail between his legs? Yea, when he did that all the bills went away.

I guess that’s not entirely true – private member’s bills survive prorogation, [SEE, SMART GUY -ed.] so lets go with Bill C-391, the bill to repeal the gun registry. Now, this bill has essentially passed, so it doesn’t matter that much, but it’s still sort of circulating.

The jist of the bill? “Guns good, registering them bad, waste of money.” Somehow this comes from the “tough on crime” Conservatives though. Makes no sense to this Liberal hack.

MAPLERAG: It was a trick question, there’s no such thing as interesting parliament bills! Next question: who’s the hottest Canadian politician?

Nikki Ashton, hands down. Is there really any competition there?

No. There isn't.

MAPLERAG: Snooki, J-WOWW, Sammi Sweetheart, or Angelina?

Angelina for sure. She was smart enough to get the hell out of there. Although I guess she is missing out on the cash these guys seem to be making these days – which I honestly don’t understand. Seriously, who the hell wants to see these guys? They drink, fight, party, take their clothes off… wait, I finally get it…

MAPLERAG: Why should MapleRag readers (e.g. alcoholic degenerates) vote for Michael Ignatieff in the snap federal election that will be called this spring?

Seriously, why not? Harper has had his chance and in that time our international reputation as leaders has tanked out, we’ve had a huge economic downturn that has not recovered despite his “Economic Action Plan” propaganda BS, we’ve had a huge scandal relating to Afghan detainees that the Conservatives are refusing to acknowledge despite being required to by the House, they bungled the H1N1 vaccine purchases, and I could go on and on…

They have had their chance for the last 4 years, have not moved us forward at all, and in many areas have moved us backwards. Why should we keep them in? Yes, Liberal governments in the past haven’t been perfect – I will admit that, but they implement progressive policies that move us forward as a country. Harper has shown he has no ability to do this.

Harper has had his chance and has failed, it’s time to replace him with a government who will actually work for Canadians – not just themselves.

______________________

THE END! THANKS, COLIN! Come back next week when we’ll interview Stephen Harper and dare him to drink a shotglass of tabasco sauce, he totally won’t do it.

GM Brian Burke announcing the departure of Tony Clement to the US Congress at a joint press conference

In a move designed to “shake up” the stagnant world of the Canadian parliament, Toronto Maple Leafs General Manager Brian Burke announced a blockbuster trade deal today to send Parliament stars Tony Clement and Martha Hall Findlay to the United States Congress in exchange for prospects Congresswoman Stephanie Herseth Sandlin (D-ND), Congressman Jim Jordan (R-OH), and a second-round draft pick.

“We’re really looking to rebuild and inject some new talent. I’m not afraid to shake things up. The media probably thought a guy like Clement wasn’t moveable, being Minister of Industry and all. Y’know what? Titles don’t mean jack to me”, the outspoken Burke told a media huddle outside of Parliament. “From what I’ve seen from Sandlin and Jordan, they’ve got the kind of grit, tenacity and hustle that I like in a government representative. Sure, people will question my moves, but let me tell you, this group of MP’s needed a wake-up call.”

Tony Clement, now serving as a freshman congressman representing Ohio’s 4th Congressional District, said the move came as a shock. “I really didn’t think I was going anywhere, I had time left on my contract with Parliament and I was a Cabinet Minister and all, but look, that’s the past. I’m looking forward to working with Congress, they’re a great organization with some great players, and I look forward to playing on the Ohio Delegation line with guys like [John] Boehner and Kucy [Dennis Kucinich].”

“Look, it’s a real loss to lose Tony and Martha, but that’s just the dynamics of the market,” said current Parliament captain Stephen Harper. “I’m looking forward to playing with Sandlin and Jordan, they’re both classy, gritty players with a ton of potential who can work the corners in a legislative session and won’t be afraid to throw the gloves down in Question Period.”

Stephanie Herseth Sandlin, a 5′6″, 39-year-old out of Aberdeen, South Dakota who will now be the Member of Parliament for the Toronto riding of Willowdale, said she was looking forward to playing with Parliament. “I’ve been learning about the franchise, the history, y’know, checking out the Wikipedia page about Canadian government ever since I heard about the trade”, she told reporters. “It seems like there’s a lot of shouting, so, I’m looking forward to that. Also, why the hell’s my new office locked? Anyone know what the hell ‘prorogue’ means?”

“I think both organizations can benefit from this trade. Congress is picking up a couple of seasoned veterans as they gear for a healthcare-playoff push, and Parliament’s getting some great prospects as they work on rebuilding,” Burke added. Asked if he was considering more trade moves, possibly with European parliamentary bodies, Burke said he “didn’t want any of those pantywaist Euro crybabies prancing around.”

You put your right wing in, and you shake it all about

What’s that? A CABINET SHUFFLE? Boy, that sounds like something a website ostensibly about Canadian politics should cover! Alright, wait wait, don’t tell me who moved where… first, I wanna make my guesses, y’know, get my fantasy picks into ProLine.

PREDICTED CABINET SHUFFLES:
Stockwell Day – Moved from International Trade Minister to Minister of La Francophonie; Peter MacKay – Moved from Minister of National Defence to Minister of Status of Women; Tony Clement – Moved from Minister of Industry to Special Emissary to the Mole People; A Nice Guy Named Fred Who Was Hanging Around The Parliamentary Cafeteria And Seemed Pretty Nice - Appointed to Federal Interlocutor for Métis and Non-Status Indians; Stephen Harper – Moved from Prime Minister of Canada to Super Prime Minister, a new post which holds the same basic responsibilities of a Prime Minister, but more Super.

Alright, I’ve got my picks in, let’s see how I did on ProLine!

But first, let’s see what Cabinet shuffle-related headlines are flying off the sails of the Grand Old Ship Globe & Mail! First:

“PM taps Day to put a lid on spending”

I really don’t want to hear about why Harper “tapped” Day, thanks. Then:

“Analysis: Stephen Harper cracks fiscal whip and tries to make nice with Quebec”

And I really, really don’t want to hear about Harper cracking any whips against anyone. Was he cracking the whip after, or while he was tapping Stockwell Day? Uggghhhh. Let’s move on.

WHO WENT WHERE:

• >Rona Ambrose
• To: Public Works From: Labour.
• Analysis: This is a promotion from the humdrum world of Labour into the bright-lights big-time world of Public Works for the Conservatives’ resident hottie. Note that the term “hottie” isn’t my own opinion, she was voted Most Attractive Female MP by the Hill Times reader poll, but the only people that vote in that are a handful of bespectacled, hair-slicked Tory policy wonks, so I guess Rona’s their type. Anyways, now she’ll get all… Public Works-y, all up in your shit.
• Implications: Her three-way trade freed up the crappy Minister of Labour job to be filled by Lisa Raitt, who got bumped down for being incompetent in the Natural Resources job. Rona took Public Works from Christian Paradis, who had a blurb in the Globe as the shooting star to watch this year. That freed up Paradis to get promoted to Raitt’s old Natural Resources job. For our purposes, let’s never speak of any kind of three-way between Rona Ambrose, Lisa Raitt and Christian Paradis ever again.

• >Keith Ashfield
• To: Revenue with responsibility for the Atlantic Gateway.
• Analysis: Greg Thompson, a popular old-school Conservative from New Brunswick, resigned from Cabinet over the weekend. According to Wikipedia, about Thompson: “He resigned from his position in Cabinet on January 16, 2010 because he couldn’t face having to make a trip to New Zealand and announced he would not be running in the next election.” What the hell, dude? New Zealand? It’s not like they wanted you to go to war-torn Liberia. Hell, most people would gladly take a nice trip to scenic New Zealand as a lovely perk of their job, they wouldn’t resign just to get out of it! Do you have an irrational fear of Hobbits or something?
• Implications: Anyways, Thompson’s out, so this nobody Keith Ashfield got to snag the lesser of Thompson’s two positions. Honestly, he was probably just the first one in the caucus meeting to yell “Dibs!” after Harper announced “Revenue With Responsibility For The Atlantic Gateway, anyone want it?” after pulling the title out of a hat.

• >Jean-Pierre Blackburn
• To: Veteran Affairs From: National Revenue
• Analysis: And then Harper called out Thompson’s other vacant position, “Veteran Affairs”, and Blackburn was smart enough to yell “Dibs!”.
• Implications: Keith Ashfield probably feels stupid for calling dibs on the first one out of the hat.

• >Diane Ablonczy:
• To: Minister of State for Seniors. From: Minister of State for Small Business and Tourism
• Analysis: This is a subtle hint that Diane, 60, is getting on in years, and maybe should focus on “old lady” stuff. It’s like casually mentioning to your mom that you’ve heard good things about a local retirement home, not that you’re saying she should go to one or anything, just that hey, she’s not as young as she once was, is all.
• Implications: None. Are you serious?

• >Rob Moore
• To: Minister of State for Small Business and Tourism
• Analysis: He’s some nobody New Brunswick newbie backbencher who got to take Diane’s job.
• Implications: Meh!

• >Stockwell Day
  
• To: President of the Treasury Board From: International Trade
• Analysis: Harper wants a guy on point in the Treasury Board to institute some tighter monetary controls and stop throwing cash around to the provinces. Needing a hard-nosed, stubborn prick, he immediately thought of Stockwell “Doris” Day.
• Implications: Stockwell’s appointee for Vice-President of the Treasury Board will, in fact, be Jesus.

• >Christian Paradis
  
• To: Natural Resources From: Public Works
• I pretty much covered this one in the Rona Ambrose three-way trade mentioned up top, but he’s supposed to be the NEXT BIG THING. Look out, Natural Resources!

• >Lisa Raitt
  
• To: Labour From: Natural Resources
• Analysis: The third part of the three-way trade above. This is a big-time demotion for Raitt who, you’ll remember, well… let’s just copy and paste from the Globe: “She landed in hot water last year after she was caught on tape referring to the medical isotope shortage as a “sexy” issue. Her aide also left a damaging tape on the desk of a reporter in which Ms. Raitt criticized a cabinet colleague, Health Minister Leona Aglukkaq, and then left confidential documents at the offices of CTV News.”
  
• Implications: As the writer for a Canadian politics snark-blog, I hope her wacky gaffes continue in Labour! Anyways, the mini-scandals above would be the sort of thing that could easily be buffed out compared to the car-totalling crashes of scandals that you come to expect from watching American politics. Down there Congressmen get a slap on the wrist for wild corruption/sex with people who aren’t their wife/sex with people who are more male and teenager-like than their wife/all of the above, while here in Canada you’ve got Cabinet ministers getting multi-step demotions for being forgetful and calling non-sexy stuff “sexy”. Hell, I do both of those things every day!

• >Vic Toews
• To: Public Safety From: Treasury Board President
• Analysis: On paper, I feel like this one’s a demotion. “Public Safety Minister” has always struck me as sounding like a made-up title for a grade school hall monitor in an orange vest, warning people not to run or engage in rough play. Anyways, Toews’ a huge blowhard right-winger who wants to put the whole country in jail for imaginary thought-crimes, so I’m none too happy about him being in any area of social power rather than the relatively harmless number-crunching of the Treasury Board.
  
• Fun fact: Vic’s wife left him after he had a child out of wedlock with some other chick. Hey, here’s a Public Safety initiative you could head up: condoms!

• >Peter Van Loan
  
• To: International Trade From: Public Safety
• Analysis: This one’s a demotion for sure. I’ve read a few places that Van Loan “bungled” the Safety job, but not much in the way of elaboration. Apparently his views on the issue of corrections didn’t mesh with Harper’s. He’s still in Harper’s inner circle though, so he got shuffled to International Trade taking over from Stockwell, which is a pretty nice gig in its own right.
• Implications: Apparently, Van Loan’s old job at Public Safety was starting to heat up with a lot of terrorism buzz-talk and calls for a top-to-bottom review of everything from airport security to RCMP training to immigration, so now all of that’s on the plate of nutty old Toews. Expect the final report to consist of a mumbled “Deport all th’Gays n’ Muzzies”.

DAMNIT, I didn’t get a single fantasy pick right! This is the last time I play ProLine on Cabinet shuffles.