That’s Joe Pantalone in the middle, who is much shorter in real life, and Rob Ford on the right, who is much fatter.

Joe Pantalone had his chair hiked up so that he’d look normal-sized on camera, and not fun-sized, like a human that was shrunk in the wash. However, to us observant folks in the crowd, we could see that Joey Pants’ feet were COMICALLY DANGLING six inches off the ground, like a small child sitting on a tall chair at the barbershop. It was the cutest fucking thing I’ve ever seen in politics, and that includes the sparkle-toothed soulless Ben Mulroney, who MC’d the debate! I got to check out Ben’s ass for about 15 minutes when he was standing right in front of my face. The night before I got to meet Justin Trudeau, so that was two straight nights of sexy Prime Ministerial offspring. Not to mention that the day after, I got to third base with Diefenbaker’s granddaughter.

(Alright, alright, that last part was completely false and I apologize. It was more like second base, but with a healthy lead-off towards third.)

Best moment of the debate: Furious George Smitherman muttered to Pantalone, as Rob Ford was trying to court Pantalone supporters: “If your legs were longer you two could play footsies.” It was fucking funny, but I was the only one in the crowd who laughed, while everyone else booed, which was awkard.

I was convinced Rob Ford was going to crush this puny Ikea office chair, and that I would be killed when the flying steel shrapnel sliced me to ribbons, coupled with the indignity of having Ben Mulroney reporting on my death on-scene. He is so sweaty and fat and disgusting, he pretty much just spent the whole debate marinating in his own juices under the TV lights and testing the durability of Swedish furniture.

Also that’s Ben Mulroney’s ass at the left of the frame. I know, right?

Oh, the debate: yeah, read a real news source for the blow-by-blow, but I’d call it a draw. Smitherman kept trying to drive a wedge between himself and Ford by trying to project himself as the reasoned centrist, but none of his attacks on Ford seemed to draw any blood. Ford jumped around from topic to topic with his big, dumb smile almost infectious to the big, dumb pro-Ford crowd, but never managed to hit a home run. Pants tried to present himself as the spoiler, the unlikely dark horse who’ll stick to his guns, but then retreated back to the tree where we lives to continue making Keebler cookies.

The big winner of the night was me, because I got drunk before the debate, and I got to hang out with insane, gross slobs outside the debate in Halloween masks yelling crazy conspiracy-theory shit at each other about crack and immigrants. That was probably the best debate I saw all night.

It really hauls ass.

MapleRag – Canada’s only news source, since 1867 – have officially endorsed a candidate in an electoral contest for the first time in our history.

If you live in the city of Toronto, we urge you – beg you, even – to vote for Rob Ford for mayor in the upcoming municipal elections.

If you’re not from Toronto, we beg you to cast aside your deep-seated loathing of everything Torontonian, from your casual disdain of the Maple Leafs to your belief that Torontonians are soulless, bland, vanilla latte-sucking concrete-jungle misery-zombies. We beg you to overcome your prejudices and move to Toronto within the next month. That way, you can vote for Rob Ford.

As [occasional] writers of political satire, we believe Rob Ford to be the single most qualified candidate currently seeking election to any level of government in this nation. In his bleary blue eyes, furiously blinking to keep out the dripping grease from his bulbous, pink forehead and furry poodle eyebrows, we see the future of political satire in Toronto, the capital of Canada. [editor's note: remember to Google Canadian capital before publishing]

To be safe, we urge you to bring your own special extra-thick sharpie to mark a huge “X” beside Rob Ford’s name on the ballot, and then to write the name “ROB FORD” in bold letters beside any other question the ballot asks you – city councilor, school trustee, referendum questions – it’s your duty to ensure that Rob Ford receives as many votes as possible. Vote early and vote often. Try to grow a beard before the election date, so that you can shave it later in the day and come in looking like a different person to vote again.

Rob Ford is a hero to comedy. The man’s entire life has been one giant gift to the world of minor Canadian politics satire blogs; the massive size of his selfless donations to the world of comedy even greater than the size of his giant, rippling pink ass. Everything he says in his squeaky Muppet voice, his sweat-slickened jowls rippling, his ever-tightening shirt collar straining to keep in his sweaty chins, bits of Wendy’s Baconator and droplets of malt scotch-spittle flicking from his pale lips, is like a non-tax-deductable charitable donation to the world of struggling comedy writers.

Rob Ford is a fat fucking hilarious idiot.

Imagine, for a moment, the legacy of Mayor Rob Ford.

Pop quiz: how many mayors of Washington, DC can you name? Unless you’re from Washington or are a huge civic-politics wonk, your answer was either “zero” or “that one guy who was busted for smoking crack.” You didn’t say “One of the many decent mayors who helped the city.” You don’t give a shit about mayors that aren’t yours, unless they turn out to be embarrassing and comedic.

Quick, same question, mayors of Detroit. You either said “Zero”, “Robocop”, or “That guy Kwame Kilpatrick who’s currently in jail for being hilariously corrupt on hundreds of levels.”

Rob Ford will be the embarrassing comedy-monster that Toronto needs.

Put aside any of his politics or ideas for a second – which, by the way, are mostly retarded and funny in their own right – and just imagine Rob Ford, face of Toronto, the man who cuts ribbons at children’s hospitals and attends international conferences, the man intended to be the very model of class, gravitas and intelligence which would reflect one of the world’s great cities. Now picture Rob Ford’s big dumb pink face in that role, saying something racist or homophobic or otherwise offensive in front of a bunch of media microphones. He’s like a ticking time bomb.

I can’t wait!

Soon, you’ll be able to ask an American “Quick, pop quiz, name any mayor in Toronto history.” They’ll either say “What the fuck is a Toronto”, or “Oh yeah, that one fat guy, who, faced with the stress of a city council that hates him and won’t work with him, a media that hates him even more and is constantly harrassing him at every turn, and his cartoonish short temper, was caught on CNN cameras live from coast to coast stripped down to his underwear, standing on the roof of a church and wildly firing an assault rifle in the air, shouting every known racist epithet under the sun and even inventing some new ones. And that was on his second day on the job. I loved that guy!”

Rob Ford's mugshot, after he was stopped drinking and driving on his way to a Chris Farley lookalike pageant

Angry grease-hog Rob Ford is a shrill, pink man-baby, a horrible clown-monster coated in oil and booze and the purified and distilled human emotion of hatred, and could very well by the next mayor of Toronto, in the ultimate theological test or whether a truly loving God cannot exist.

The frontrunner in the race, whose entire life has been an awful, incoherent shouting match with the planet Earth, has had a pretty bad week. Pretty much every conceivable type of scandal a politician can commit has stuck to his gross, lard-slick carcass of a body, from a criminal record, to lying about drug charges, to unethical use of power, to racist comments, to threatening to kill his wife, to profanity-laced diatribes, to… oh, Jesus, I need to lie down. Just thinking about Rob Ford’s awful life from the time he was a screaming, red, pudgy infant to his days as a screaming, red, pudgy politician is giving me a headache.

Even the Toronto Sun, the official rag of mulleted pig-fuckers who’d vote for  a comedic failure-beast like Rob Ford, has come out with an editorial calling him an awful, unelectable monster.

With all of his scandals in place, we’re one step closer to completing ROB FORD SCANDAL BINGO! I’ve lined up a Bingo card (it’s ok, you can play along Ontarian readers, online gambling’s legal now!) with all of the conceivable scandals a politician can commit, with the theory being that, while one punch on the card isn’t a big deal, 5 in a row should be enough to derail any politician’s campaign. But Goddamn, Rob Ford just won’t die, he’s like the coke-fuelled Tony Montana at the end of Scarface being plugged by round after round of scandal-bullets but still screaming for more.

PLAY ALONG AT HOME! If Rob Ford gets 5 spaces in a row, YOU WIN! If you win, you have to drink a bottle of gin and then spend the rest of the night crying for humanity.

No, we didn't mean to write Die Pigs on that cruiser! It's merely German, for The Pigs.

Woohoo, it’s the G20! Bring your friends, let’s “cause shit” and “party”! Hey man, a bunch of drab economic wonks are convening to have low-key discussions about the intricacies of interest rates, inflation and ensuring macroeconomic stability – you know what that means, LET’S SET SOME GODDAMN POLICE CARS ON FIRE!

Here are my compiled comments, which I’m not calling a “liveblog”, because liveblogs are for teenagers watching American Idol:

• > We join this riot already in progress. They’re already looting down Queen. Maybe these black-clad anarchists plan on looting the American Apparel and putting the clothes on to blend in as apathetic Queen Street hipsters.

• > On breaking stuff properly. CTV News Network is showing a loop of the same 10 or so clips of footage, one of which features a balaclava-sporting anarchist charging at the glass storefront of a Scotiabank and taking a swing at it with some sort of rock (or other blunt object). After a few weak blows of his weak, vegan arm strength against this obviously-reinforced glass, he tries kicking it a few times in frustration leaving a weak dent, and then finally throws his rock at the window in frustration and runs away. I can’t help but feel sorry for the poor, malnourished weakling. I want to start a charity telethon to sponsor anarchists. Did you know that 7 out of 10 black bloc rioters today, right here in Canada, can’t even break a window using a weapon?

• > A disaster of venti proportions. I was watching CityTV when they showed images of the Starbucks being looted across the street at Queen and John, and I noticed a strong hint of sadness in the reporter’s voice as she actually said “OUR Starbucks.” You could almost see her on the verge of tears, about to soberly declare, “That’s when it got personal for me, when these hippie bastards took the Starbucks across the street where I’d gotten countless venti no-foam extra hot soy milk toffee nut lattes, and then splashed it in my worthless assistant Kevin’s face for fucking up my order again.”

• > On ninjas. Speaking of the black bloc gang, a lot of media commentators don’t realize “black bloc” is a style of protest, not a unified group. If you can assign a group title to this fairly nebulous group of shit-disturbers and hangers-on, it’d be S.O.A.R, Southern Ontario Anarchist Resistance, who have quite the cute-sounding acronym for a bunch of morons who think smashing the windows of a Tim Hortons will have a positive effect on political discourse. Y’know, I remember back when the Quebec City protests rolled in around 9 years ago, and as an impressionable teenager, I thought – hell yeah! Fight the power! Breach the fence, don’t take their police brutality! Now, as a taxpaying, job-holding adult, I’m watching these shit-disturbing, cop-car-burning clowns on TV and hoping they get a lung-full of teargas. Have I sold out, or just gained the wisdom that comes with age? On a lighter note, the anarchists, with their head-to-toe black gear, black head coverings and their way of quickly darting around silently, makes me wonder how this city would cope if we were overrun by ninjas.

• > Less SOAR, more SOAP. CBC has just opined that it’s a shame these images of violence and chaos will spread throughout the worldwide media, making a mockery of Toronto. I just turned to CNN to see how our shameful, sensationalist violence would be reported to America, and instead the current breaking news headline on CNN was “ARE YOU AN OVERSOAPER?” Apparently, conventional dishwashers don’t need that much soap at all!

• > Who’s the boss? Police Chief Bill Blair just gave the best press conference ever, where he vowed to kick the asses of every snot-nosed punk who messed with his city, and where he did not take any of your shit, you smarmy little reporters. And you’d better have your facts straight, you pencil-necked reporter geeks, or he’ll give you a SMACKDOWN of factual recourse. (The best kind of smackdown!) Um, excuse me, Police Chief Blair, I’ve got a question for you – that banging sound outside, is that the sound of police marching in rhythm and banging their batons on their shields, or is it your GIANT BRASS BALLS swinging together?

• > We’re rioting because of the Leafs’ poor draft choices, right? For historical background – after all, I run a very factual website – I checked Wikipedia for more information on the history of riots in Canada, prompted by repeated mentions of this being the first time tear gas had ever been used on Canadians. It turns out that 6 of the 11 recorded riots in Canada since 1950 have been hockey-related. Sounds about right.

• > Tweets for twits. In other news, Twitter has been an invaluable source of information today – and misinformation, too! I can’t tell you how many times reporters live on the air today said things like “according to Twitter we’re hearing the fence has been breached”, which, of course, never happened. Could you imagine if Twitter had been around during other historic newscasts? “News of the World, Dateline, 1944 – Ladies and gentlemen, we’re getting reports in from Twitter that the Nazis have actually won the war, that Hitler himself has parachuted into Washington D.C. to assume the American Presidency, this coming from Twitter user BigDaddyGoebbelz88“. Speaking of Twitter, I think stalwart TVO newsman Steve Paikin has devolved into insanity, please see below:

FREE STEVE PAIKIN

Are you coming to the G20 protest, I hear it's gonna be a riot!

Have you heard? There’s a small summit coming up around June 26-27 called the G20, in which the 20 coolest world finance leaders (suck it, #21!) get to convene in the small town of Toronto to complain about other countries, get in a dick-size contest about the strength of their financial systems, and enjoy free snacks. Generally the resources needed for this task – a room capable of fitting 20 people for a day-long conversation – could be met by an average Newfoundland living room, but this being Toronto, the cost of the affair is expected to round up to a nice, even – pinkyfinger in mouth, everyone – one BILLION dollars. Meanwhile, the G8, consisting of the world’s 8 coolest world leaders, will be run almost simultaneously in scenic, mosquito-bitten Muskoka a few hours north of Toronto. There’s a very important reason that these summits couldn’t be merged into one larger event in the same city which would have saved tens of millions of dollars, and that reason is *sentence trails off in a series of mumbles and coughs* Anyways, we’re stuck with dueling boondoggles now – so what’s the story here?

Well, there’s been a flurry of news stories about the G20+G8 (for our purposes, we’ll recall our gradeschool math and call them G28), most of which were ignored by those outside of the 416 area code. We decided we’d provide you with a roundup of all the G28 news you need from the past few weeks, along with the story’s ridiculousness factor and who the big winners are for each story.

#1: This Goddamn fake lake.

You’ve all heard about this big, stupid, fake lake, right? Well, if you haven’t, the Liberals reeeally want to make sure that you have. Coles Notes summary: they wanted a lake in Toronto for the benefit of G8 reporters to give them the outdoorsy feel they’d be missing out on by not actually being in Huntsville with the important people. The only lake in Toronto is Lake Ontario, the cleanliness of which would make British Petroleum blush. So they built an artificial  lake and decorated it with fake trees and fake Muskoka chairs to give the feeling of being in Muskoka. Shockingly, building a fake lake in downtown Toronto was really expensive and unnecessary and dumb. It’s now universally referred to as “the fake lake”, which adds the annoyingness of catchy rhymingness – God help us if people start saying “Fakelake-gate” – but protesters have submitted to the Geographical Names Board that the lake’s actual name be “Harper’s Folly”.

Ridiculousness: 8/10. They built a lake in downtown Toronto with a bunch of shitty props from Bass Pro Shop to make you “feel like you’re right there in Huntsville”. Come the hell on. That’s like how a tacky, suburban Olive Garden makes you “feel like you’re actually in a rustic Italian family’s kitchen.” A few styrofoam boulders and some floating algae nestled in loud, chaotic downtown Toronto won’t trick the international press pool into believing they’re lounging on their dock, sipping a Moosehead in scenic cottage country. If the international community were wondering what Muskoka looked like, they could Google that shit. I doubt these well-travelled international journalists will be breathlessly reporting back to the home office, “Holy shit, I’m in Canada and you know what they’ve got? A lake! Seriously, a Goddamn lake, with water, right here in Canada! There goes our preconceived notions of Canada being a barren, sand-choked desert.”

Winners: Liberals talking points, for having this giant pool of refreshing symbolism crash right into their laps. Also fake lake-building companies, which are probably seeing a huge boom in interest.

#2: The fact that it’s two summits.

… Instead of just one big G28 summit, which would be $400-million cheaper. Instead, we’re flying Obama to Toronto, and then he presumably has to drive north for 4 hours in cottage-country traffic on Highway 400 in his rented Chevy minivan to Deerhurst Resort, towing his motorboat and getting a left-arm window sunburn while threatening to turn this car around if Sasha and Malia don’t stop singing Justin Bieber in the back seat. Meanwhile, a simultaneous summit will be going on in Toronto, a city where people actually live and work and tend to get uptight about road closures and giant security fences and protesters hurling cinder blocks at them. Hey, at least the G20 protesters and World Cup rioters will be able to merge into a single, cohesive rage-party. Sample dialogue: – “Hey man, you wanna help me flip this car?” – “Hell yeah, I’m so pissed off about these capitalist fascist banker pigs!” – “Wait, what the hell are you talking about, I was flipping cars cuz Holland just scored a bullshit goal on Italy!” – “Whatever, let’s just split the difference and hurl some bricks at an ING.” Anyways, holding a last-minute billion-dollar boondoggle conference, with all the other shit going on in this city, when we’ve already dropped cash on the infrastructure for hosting another summit a few hours north, is… well, I’ve lost my thesaurus, so let’s call it dicktarded.

Ridiculousness: 7/10.

Winners: Full-time anarchist protesters who would prefer sucking on tear-gas in downtown Toronto than braving the mosquitoes of northern Ontario. Also, high school economics teachers who need an easy lesson example about fixed costs and economies of scale.

#3: G8 spending got kinda high, and it’s all kinda going to Tony Clement’s riding

Do you own any old pile of shit in Muskoka? Good news! It just got a half-million dollar renovation from the federal government. Costs in Huntsville have skyrocketed, most of which won’t go towards things which will actually be needed for the G8 – like media centres being built that won’t be used, or huge renovations spending on the North Bay Airport when it turns out they’ll be flying into Toronto. This obviously pisses people off. And then there’s the accusations that this had something to do with the G8 being in the riding of  noted Twitter-goblin Tony “Slap Chop” Clement, and how convenient it was that his riding was swimming in millions of dollars of luxuries unrelated to the G8. Tony promptly told people that the cost figures the Liberals were throwing around were mostly made-up, and then told the Liberals to shove it, but the damage was done.

Ridiculousness: 5/10. Pork barrel spending isn’t really that shocking anymore. In fact, building some media centres and airport terminals to spruce up your riding for the G8 summit is borderline sane compared to the art of corruption we’re used to from American politicians, where a congressman can sneak an amendment into a healthcare bill to buy a fleet of gold-plated helicopters for his constituents in Assfart, Arkansas without even flinching. In fact, it’s a good thing we’re doing all of this spending – could you imagine how embarrassed we’d feel if Barack Obama knew that the pool at the Huntsville community club a half-hour away from the summit had cracked tilework?

Winners: The fine people of Muskoka who will enjoy this Conservative stimulus spending on needed infrastructure for years to-… haha, nah, just kidding, no one wins except some contractors.

#4: They’re not talking about abortion.

Liberals, NDPers and other God-hating baby-killing commies want Harper to gently bring up the subject of a more comprehensive funding package for global maternal health at the G8 summit, specifically shma-shmor-tion. Harper won’t have any of that, no siree.

Ridiculousness: 3/10. Not so much ridiculous as… expected?

Winners: Christian fetuses.

#5: The Jays had to move a series to Philadelphia.

I can tell you just zoned out, because you’re a politics wonk and you haven’t read the name of a politician in the last 2 sentences and you care not for this “sports” balderdash of overgrown louts and barrel-chested hooligans trying to direct balls in a variety of directions in order to score points and prove their city’s squad is superior. Well, fuck you, this is my site, and I care about the Jays, and so do a half-dozen other people in the world, so THIS IS A SERIOUS DEAL, ALRIGHT? Since the Rogers Centre couldn’t be more centrally located within Toronto’s security perimeter, they – meaning some shadowy cabal who operate baseball, collectively known as “the man” – decided Toronto would play this “home” series in Philadelphia, robbing Toronto of a chance of seeing returning stud-muffin Roy “Doctor Perfect” Halladay. Actually I’ll just share this comic I made with you, since I made it, and – once again – it’s my siiiite, so I’ll put baseball jokes on it.

Didn’t care for that baseball humour, nope? Alright then! Ridiculousness of 5/10 and Winner:Roy Halladay (10th win of the season).

#6: Waaah, I’m so inconvenienced by it all

Hey everyone look at me, I’m a typical whiny downtown Torontonian and I complain constantly about my life being inconvenienced for a half-week, oh no they’re uprooting trees and the bank’s closed and Mirvish’s theatre productions are all canceled and now I can’t see Mamma Mia or take my dumb fat kids to Montessori because of the traffic jams and I’m sure I’ll see a scary protester from the balcony of my condo and oh my God they put up a security fence I’m going to blog about how Toronto has become Nazi Germany and I’m so darn inconvenienced by this half-week-long thing and SHUTUP SHUTUP SHUTUP

Ridiculousness: 0/10. You live in a big city. Sometimes big events happen in big cities and you have to alter your plans and then a week later they’re done and you can move on. Go blog about funny things your dumb cat did or something all of you yuppy jerkoffs, I’m tired of hearing about how 5 days of traffic jams will ruin your comfortable middle-class life.

Winners: Call-in radio shows in Toronto where morons vent about stuff, also anyone who was being forced into seeing “Mamma Mia” in a week and luckily had all of the Broadway shows in Toronto canceled.

#7: The company that’s putting up the fence in Toronto is called “Mammoth Erections” and there’s signs and trucks everywhere in Toronto that say “Mammoth Erections“.

Ahaha. Now THERE’S newsworthy journalism.

Amazingness: 10/10.

Winners: The childish and easily-amused. Probably you.

(I’m slowly alienating all of my readers – HI MOM! – too old to know what the fuck a “Mortal Kombat” is.)

Ready? FIGHT!

ROCCO ROSSI

I'm pretty sure one of these is Rocco Rossi

Support based on most recent TorStar poll: 13%

Coles Notes summary: Big-time Liberal insider, and a member of Iggy’s Rosedale Gang, the world’s least intimidating-sounding street gang. He’s got an Ivy League pedigree and a laundry list of experience in the corporate and charity world. Mainly a backroom guy politically, he’s credited with being one of the guys responsible for stealing Iggy from Harvard to lead the Grits. Says he’s been a member of the Liberal Party since he was 11, which I’m pretty sure you’re not allowed to do. Has a weird little face. Is going to Rocco The Vote. Isn’t the only Rocco in the race – some other kid named Rocco entered the race before Rossi, and got to swipe the domain name RoccoForMayor.com – Rocco #2 being some fratboy who ran U of T student government into the ground a few years ago, while Rocco #1, unimpressed, will gladly tell you that he went to fucking Princeton.

Mayor Rocco?: I wouldn’t be against it. I’m a fan of backroom party-hack type guys, and his platform’s getting some inquisitive raised-eyebrows. One of his big plans is to sell Toronto Hydro, which is kinda wacky. He’s also willing to take a pay cut and freeze his salary, which is a nice way of saying “You don’t even KNOW how loaded I am.” He’s trying to reflect the modern doom-and-gloom economic conditions with a very belt-tightening, fiscally-responsible style, which is practical, but which doesn’t offer any of the bread-and-circuses that gets people elected. (He wants to put the kibosh on any new subway lines, which, for a dirt-poor subway-rider like me, is a bit frowny-emoticon.) But hey, it’s not like he’s a lunatic or anything, so if he gets a truckload of undecided voters on his side anything’s possible.

GIORGIO MAMMOLITI

Support based on most recent TorStar poll: 4%

Coles Notes summary: Longtime city councilor who was originally an NDPer, but who jumped ship and became a Liberal in the 90s, which in chess is called the “Bob Rae’s Defensive Shift”. Is now actually considered a right-leaning, fiscally conservative voice at City Hall. Actually changed his birth name a few years ago from the whitewashed “George” to the mamma-mia-Italiano “Giorgio”, which is pretty much the opposite of what most Italian-Canadians do to their names. As city councilor, one of his big projects was trying to get the lifeless, quiet suburb of North York an actual goddamn NHL hockey team, which was shockingly unsuccessful. Has been a longtime rival of bloated anger-bear Rob Ford, since they represent neighbouring wards and generally enjoy shouting at each other. To that end, Ford once called Giorgio “Gino-boy”, which, according to UrbanDictionary, means that Giorgio enjoys Diesel jeans and some sort of music so soul-numbingly terrible it can only be referred to as “beats”. Giorgio, his Italian blood at a boil, filed a human rights complaint against Ford and then actually tried to get his own son Michael Mammoliti (to be renamed Michelangelo at age 40) to run against Ford in his riding in 2003. Giorgio used to be in charge of the Toronto Zoo, and his experience with an organization that keeps a pen full of screaming, shit-throwing apes will prepare him for a job working with councilors at City Hall.

Mayor Giorgio?: Well, let’s just say that in pre-candidacy polling in October he polled 1% support, and that in April he polled 4% – hey, a quadruple increase in support ain’t bad! Asked what separates his from the other candidates, he responded: “Well, I have hair.” Coldblooded! Anyways, he’s too right for the lefties and not Rob Fordy enough for the righties and not Pantaloney enough for the Italians, meaning that maybe his immediate family members, neighbour and dentist will vote for him in the end.

SARAH THOMSON

Support based on most recent TorStar poll: 7%, which is pretty good… for a girl.

Coles Notes summary: Publisher of forgotten freebie The Women’s Post. Subsequently, is a woman. This separates her from the pack pretty well. Is such an unknown that her entire Wikipedia page is 2 lines long – hell, there are make-believe ray guns used in one episode of Star Trek that have entire paragraphs on Wikipedia. Her main endorsement is from Conrad Black, a man who can’t even spell her name and who holds the unfortunate title of “convicted felon”, which doesn’t exactly sound great in a press release. Wants to institute a $5 toll to use the Gardiner Expressway and Don Valley Parking Lot (local joke!), knowing that if there’s one thing to excite and energize voters, it’s threats of toll roads. Also wants to sell the Toronto Library, the second most-used library system in North America and an invaluable resource to new immigrants and families, to Wal-Mart or whoever the fuck. Oh yeah, and she’s also a smokin’ hot cougar who looks pretty hot for being 42, which is probably un-feminist of us to mention.

Mayor Sarah?: Hah, no.

ADAM GIAMBRONE

ISN’T RUNNING ANYMORE, because he thought it would be a good idea to pork some dreary, pouty gothish chick and deposit Adam Stains all over some shitty pleather City Hall couch without telling his made-up girlfriend, all while leaving a trail of hilarious, horny sext messages. For that, he was elected Mayor Of Comedy Town, by me. He’s since crawled back into the subway grate where he came from to continue running the TTC into the ground. Why did you have to leave us, Giamboner?

DON ANDREWS

Coles Notes summary: 67-year old white supremacist and perennial candidate. Once actually came second in a fairly uncontested race for Toronto mayor, which made City Hall reconsider the rule that the runner-up could take over the mayor’s desk if something happens to the mayor-elect. Once tried to gather up a rag-tag handful of white nationalists to invade the Caribbean nation of Dominica – no, seriously. Intends to be – and I quote – the “Opposite George (from the Seinfeld episode)”. Come on, he’s just a regular Seinfeld-lovin’ guy with plans for green initiatives, I don’t see why you wouldn’t vote for him, he’s just a Serbian immigrant who’s living the immigrant dream of… trying to rid the city of all immigrants… but, he is a-… but… *BRAIN EXPLODES*

MARK STATE

Mark State’s a complete nobody, but I’ll give him this – he’s an obsessive self-Googler (I hear that can make you go blind!) who finds every article related to the Toronto election and writes a comment at the bottom of the page talking about himself. Your move, Mark. See how good your self-Googling REALLY IS, and see the comment box below.

ZANTA

An eccentric shirtless man who wears a Santa hat and shouts at tourists as he does push-ups on the sidewalk. Unlikely he’ll raise the money to file his application to run, despite fledgling Facebook support. Probably the single most sane person in this race.

______

Well, that’s pretty much everyone.

GAME OVER.
FATALITYYYYY.

MUNICIPALITY FATALITY!

Quick geography lesson: in southern Ontario, just west of Pickering but east of Mississauga on Highway 401, lies a sleepy little village on the shores of Lake Ontario called Toronto (pron. “Trawnna”.) For some reason, Canadians hold a bizarre infatuation with this humble little hamlet, which means that whenever it comes time for the dozen-odd voting Torontonians to elect a mayor, it makes national headlines. Since we’re a legitimate news outlet, it’s our journalistic duty to write about the bizarre girly-slap-fight going on between a subset of some of Toronto’s craziest people all vying to be King of Toronto, and to be given the launch codes to the secret missile silo inside the needle of the CN Tower. [Note to self: remember to redact that last confidential bit before hitting "Publish" -ed.]

What’s this all mean? Prepare for MAYORAL KOMBAAAAT! Please listen to this theme song while you read on:

What men have the SkyDome-sized balls to think they’re fit to run Toronto? Let’s find out!

GEORGE SMITHERMAN

Support based on most recent TorStar poll: 34%

Coles Notes summary: Longtime Liberal bigshot in provincial politics. Has held down desks as Minister of Health, Minister of Energy, and Deputy Premier under McGuinty’s grits. Nicknamed Furious George for his short fuse. Former party-drug addict, which is probably less fun than it sounds. Gayer than a handbag full of rainbows. First non-NDPer elected “Best MPP” by local hooker-ad repository NOW Weekly. Once announced he’d wear an adult diaper as Health Minister in order to prove some point about, uh… we don’t even remember what the point was, we just couldn’t get the mental image out of our heads. Would make a great “sassy gay sidekick”-type character on Degrassi; made snarky comments about wanting to have children with his husband but being “unable to conceive, despite plenty of trying.” (Mmm-hmmm, you did NOT just go there!)

Mayor George?: As the highest-profile, most well-connected and well-funded candidate in the race, George has been the front-runner in this race before he even announced his candidacy. By all accounts, he’s an all-around swell guy with a lot of populist, mainstream Liberal views that jibe well with Joe Torontonian. He’s got a straight-talking, practical approach, with a bit of  a fun streak hidden in his reputation as a short-tempered hard-ass. Gets a lot of small-C conservative support too, along with some union support and the Church Street vote. He’s playing a classic frontrunner’s campaign – don’t make any waves, don’t rush to make any policy announcements, and try to rise above the bickering also-rans early to cruise to victory. He also happens to have a lot of enemies. His original campaign manager, a man by the pornstar-sounding name of Jeff Bangs, recently quit Smitherman’s campaign – leading to SWIRLING RUMOURS. He’s recently gotten a new campaign manager, the head of the Toronto District School Board. As a product of the TDSB myself, I can vouch that it helped me learn good.

Full Disclosure: George Smitherman came up to my table at an event once, and as he was talking to us he sort of gave me a bit of a shoulder-rub. He has strong hands. I feel that, as a legitimate journalist, I needed to say this.

ROB FORD

Support based on most recent TorStar poll: 27%

Coles Notes summary: Colourful city councilor with a backstory that’s, well… complicated. He’s got the blustery pink face, blonde brushcut, populist rhetoric and bizarre outbursts of a Canadian Glenn Beck. Huge with the Bud-swilling, Toronto Sun-reading crowd. Built like a football players, likely because he was one, and currently coaches high school football. Obsessed with financial responsibility, and to that end, pays for all of his office expenses out of his own pocket – which even the Sun finds a little weird. Can detail and ridicule all of the martinis, cab rides and blow-up dolls ever purchased with public funds by every other member of City Council. Charged, but not convicted, of beating his wife. Said, on the record, that only gay people and drug addicts get AIDS. Probably the only mayoral candidate where the phrases “blew the top of her head off”, “You called me a fat fuck!” and “go to Iran and get raped and shot” are integral to their personal profile.

Mayor Rob?: He’s the default choice of the right wing, with a little less Joe Clark and a little more Sarah Palin. Despite coming off as a bit of a clown, you can tell he actually gives a shit about issues in Toronto. His big issues are cutting spending and housing, which play well in the current economic climate. He’s definitely an underdog, but his populist rhetoric is picking up a ton of steam. He clearly cares a lot about his work and cares about the issues, but holy shit, this guy.

Misc.:

JOE PANTALONE

Support based on most recent TorStar poll: 14%

Coles Notes summary: Current deputy mayor and City Hall old-timer with a few decades of experience under his belt. Token NDP lefty. Good ol’ Italian boy, not like these other mangia-cakes…  I mean, other than Rocco, and Giorgio. Real stuffy, old-fashioned policy wonk-type, which serves its purpose, but ain’t exactly lighting up the city with excitement.

Mayor Joe?: I wouldn’t count on it. He’ll get his NDP vote, and all the usual suspects of unions, City Hall buddies and people who think his name’s cute enough to vote for, but as the race becomes tighter expect him to lose steam and get caught in the fray, despite an apparently strong showing in a recent (non-televized, what the hell, Rogers Cable Channel 10, was there a high school hockey game on instead?) debate. Should really start using the slogan “If you’re going to Pant, never Pant Alone.”

DAN FOR MAYOR

Ratings based on most recent episode: 1.9% share

Coles Notes summary: Fred Ewanuick, star of the CTV smash hit series Corner Gas, returns as hapless loser Dan, a bartender who decides to make it up to an ex-girlfriend by running for mayor.

Mayor Dan?: Considering the absolute lack of humour found in this candidate, we’re pretty sure this campaign’s getting cancelled before the end of the season.

END OF PART ONE!

We’re splitting this post in two (mo’ Google ad hits mo’ money, son) so join us next time as we meet Rocco, Giorgio, a woman (!) named Sarah, whatever happened to grinning vagina-farmer Giamboner, and find out about the only white supremacist in the race, if that’s your kind of thing!