The American Invasion has been compromised.

The plan is off. I repeat, Operation Bravo-Lima is a no-go. Emergency procedure zed is in effect immediately by order of Central Canadian Command.

Central Command has issued a request to broadcast this message on all available secure mediums where unfriendly forces would be unable to intercept our message. Canadian operatives in the field will be receiving this message through a variety of mediums that only Canadians would have access to – encrypted wireless devices, coded radio signals, Corner Gas re-runs and, of course, Canadian political blogs. Since the odds of American forces reading a blog about Canadian politics are virtually nil, we have chosen to do our duty as members of the Media branch of Operation Beaverlord in order to spread this urgent message.

Please alert any Canadian operatives that you know of currently operating in the American theatre to evacuate to the nearest Canadian-friendly base. If their mission is in peril or if they suspect American forces have uncovered them, tell them to hide out in the nearest Canadian consulate or hockey arena until Canadian paramilitary are able to evacuate them in the next possible flight back to Canada, where they will be debriefed and relieved of their duties.

You have all done the Canadian Motherland proud. The mission’s failure was beyond our control, you operatives performed your assigned duties in outstanding fashion. Admiral Celine (Nevada operations) wanted me to personally thank each of you for your devotion to the cause.

Now that the plan has been canceled, I am at liberty to discuss the full, declassified details of Operation Beaverlord. I know that each of you knew a segment of the plan and were assigned a task related to a specific mission objective when all Canadians were covertly approached in late 2008, but for the first time since the plan’s inception, Central command is now at liberty to divulge the full scope of the now-aborted mission details. Commander Trebek (Cmdr., Knowledge & Research Branch) would like to thank every Canadian citizen for their excellent stealth and secrecy in accomplishing their specific objectives: without your silence, the Americans would have found us out long before this.

—DECLASSIFIED TO CANADIAN OPERATIVES—

Cmdr. Trebek, instrumental in planning the psychological attack

WARNING: This information is still HIGHLY sensitive, and should NOT be allowed to fall into American hands.

In the case of a suspected foreign plant, the Mission password is “Rrrroll up the Rim to Win” – Americans tongues are incapable of the correct pronunciation.

MISSION STATEMENT: OPERATION BEAVERLORD is the codename for a long-term mission to slowly and covertly invade the United States of America by Canadian agents using a variety of highly secretive paramilitary, cultural and psychological means. The end goal will be total amalgamation of the United States into Canadian territory. All Canadian citizens will be chosen based on their skills, positions and influence to covertly aid in a certain objective of this mission.

THIS MISSION IS CONFIDENTIAL. Canadians may not discuss the mission outside of official Operation Beaverlord safehouses, such as designated Tim Hortons or curling arenas. Your fellow Canadians are expected to accomplish their assigned duties, and you are expected to do yours in as secretive a manner as possible. Leaking any information about the plan to Americans could be disastrous.

We will take advantage of the trusting nature of Americans, the mostly unguarded border, the high penetration of prominent Canadians in positions of American power, and our reputation as “friendly” and “polite” in order to take the Americans by surprise. By the time you are reading this, all Canadians have been issued a role within the plan by Central Command. Your country depends on you.

OBJECTIVE ONE: CULTURAL GOALS

The American people, despite their massive military might and global influence, can easily be divided into groups based on simple tastes and preferences. Canadian operatives have been at work for years secretly infiltrating these segments of the American population, and slowly exploiting their weaknesses while building sympathy for the Canadian cause.

MISSION: NICKELBACK was an outstanding success in building a rapport with a sociocultural segment we’ve identified as “white trash”. Very early in the planning stages of Operation Beaverlord, a group of top-level Canadian agents were chosen to appeal to the trashy, Bud-swilling, Nascar-watching mulleted masses of middle America. Their look and songs were carefully cultivated for mass appeal and recognition to the White Trash Base through repetition in order to slowly build trust in the idea of Canadians among them. With this important first step, Canadians had gained a foothold into the consciousness of a huge amount of Americans who could later be turned towards the Canadian-sympathizer cause.

MISSION: LAVIGNE was the codename for a cultural objective to infiltrate America’s teenage youth. The agent in question, Avril Lavigne, a highly-gifted Canadian teenager with multiple scholarships to top Canadian medical and business schools before being approached for this project, was told that she would be an ideal candidate for a confidential Canadian project to infiltrate American teen pop music. The brilliant Lavigne, with an affinity for advanced physics and a passion for classic literature, was transformed with the adoption of what became the Avril Lavigne character – a fictional skater-girl simpleton who sang simple, three-chord pop-punk songs about angst and cute boys. With her droning, cult-like repetitiveness, Agent Lavigne’s goal was to slowly gain the trust of America’s volatile angsty-teen population while slowly teaching middle America to pronounce her francophone name, an important first step in the end-goal (Objective: 2015) of forcing official bilingualism on the American subjects. To this end, we would be remiss if we did not pay our respects to Agent Bublé, whose fame made Americans acclimatized not only to French surnames, but also the accent aigu.

MISSION: BIEBER, a currently-ongoing mission to infiltrate America’s preteen population with an unwavering, passionate devotion to a Canadian agent, was a plan intended to brainwash America’s youth in order to set a strong foundation for the operation’s future. Given this particular agent’s surprising popularity with the enemy, despite his clear inability to sing, Central Command has decided to proceed with it in order to fund future operations and therefore I am not at liberty to discuss its still-confidential details.

MISSION: BLUEHAIR was intended to recruit Canadian citizens who had gained positions of power among elderly Americans before the introduction of Operation Beaverlord, and to recruit them to the Canadian cause in order to build sympathy for the coming invasion. Celine Dion was immediately promoted to Admiral for this mission, thanks to her lifetime dedication to spreading a pro-Canadian, pro-French, pro-brain-numbing-drivel-you’d-hear-in-a-dentist’s-chair-before-a-huge-fucking-needle-went-into-your-jaw musical style to her helplessly vulnerable base of old, boring white Americans hauling their fat asses to Wal-Mart to buy Truck Nutz for their electric scooter. Agents Adams, Twain, Lightfoot, Murray and Cohen (combined Juno awards: 7,394) all immediately agreed to join the cause when they were approached with this mission.

With a two-pronged strategy attacking both America’s preteens and senior citizens, the nation’s draft-ready 20-45 year olds, entrusted with protecting the world’s only superpower from invasion, would be generationally flanked on both sides by Canadian sympathizers among their own citizens.

OBJECTIVE ONE: INFILTRATION GOALS

***[WARNING - MESSAGE IS COMPROMISED, WILL CONTINUE AT A LATER DATE]***

[end transmission]

GM Brian Burke announcing the departure of Tony Clement to the US Congress at a joint press conference

In a move designed to “shake up” the stagnant world of the Canadian parliament, Toronto Maple Leafs General Manager Brian Burke announced a blockbuster trade deal today to send Parliament stars Tony Clement and Martha Hall Findlay to the United States Congress in exchange for prospects Congresswoman Stephanie Herseth Sandlin (D-ND), Congressman Jim Jordan (R-OH), and a second-round draft pick.

“We’re really looking to rebuild and inject some new talent. I’m not afraid to shake things up. The media probably thought a guy like Clement wasn’t moveable, being Minister of Industry and all. Y’know what? Titles don’t mean jack to me”, the outspoken Burke told a media huddle outside of Parliament. “From what I’ve seen from Sandlin and Jordan, they’ve got the kind of grit, tenacity and hustle that I like in a government representative. Sure, people will question my moves, but let me tell you, this group of MP’s needed a wake-up call.”

Tony Clement, now serving as a freshman congressman representing Ohio’s 4th Congressional District, said the move came as a shock. “I really didn’t think I was going anywhere, I had time left on my contract with Parliament and I was a Cabinet Minister and all, but look, that’s the past. I’m looking forward to working with Congress, they’re a great organization with some great players, and I look forward to playing on the Ohio Delegation line with guys like [John] Boehner and Kucy [Dennis Kucinich].”

“Look, it’s a real loss to lose Tony and Martha, but that’s just the dynamics of the market,” said current Parliament captain Stephen Harper. “I’m looking forward to playing with Sandlin and Jordan, they’re both classy, gritty players with a ton of potential who can work the corners in a legislative session and won’t be afraid to throw the gloves down in Question Period.”

Stephanie Herseth Sandlin, a 5′6″, 39-year-old out of Aberdeen, South Dakota who will now be the Member of Parliament for the Toronto riding of Willowdale, said she was looking forward to playing with Parliament. “I’ve been learning about the franchise, the history, y’know, checking out the Wikipedia page about Canadian government ever since I heard about the trade”, she told reporters. “It seems like there’s a lot of shouting, so, I’m looking forward to that. Also, why the hell’s my new office locked? Anyone know what the hell ‘prorogue’ means?”

“I think both organizations can benefit from this trade. Congress is picking up a couple of seasoned veterans as they gear for a healthcare-playoff push, and Parliament’s getting some great prospects as they work on rebuilding,” Burke added. Asked if he was considering more trade moves, possibly with European parliamentary bodies, Burke said he “didn’t want any of those pantywaist Euro crybabies prancing around.”