Fuck this fucking country.

I was in jail.

More importantly, currently on Sun TV News: two guys talking about how much Jack Layton sucks, as the bottom scrolls says “By the way, one of the most historic moments of the 21st century has occurred.” Thank God Sun TV News wasn’t around on July 21, 1969: “TRU-D’OH! PIERRE FLIP FLOPS! In other stories, man lands on moon.”

So here’s a rundown of the year that was in MapleRag articles!

JANUARY: Harper does the shuffle, we do the analysis! Our analysis of the January cabinet shuffle, back when we actually did analysis.

FEBRUARY: The Opening Ceremonies, or: Are all Canadians on LSD? MapleRag’s highest-viewed article ever! During the Vancouver Olympics we changed our layout to become the OFFICIAL POLITICS BLOG OF THE OLYMPICS (and we weren’t even sued!) and wrote a bunch of articles about our nation’s heroic patriotic circle-jerk.

MARCH: The Tweety Awards! Our Tweety Awards, honouring the best in political Tweeting, actually got a response from some noob who handles media for Sukh Dhaliwal’s campaign! It’s like we’re a real media outlet!

APRIL: Mayoral Kombat! I got to talk about Toronto mayoral candidates, and also made a bunch of Mortal Kombat references. In retrospect, I was likely drunk.

MAY: Queen Victoria died for your right to sit on a dock and drink! That picture of Queen Victoria – I probably stole it off Wikipedia – is the #2 result when you search for “Queen Victoria” in Google Image Search, making that image the most popular thing on my site. I’m so proud.

- NOTE: the Air Force special just started, it’s worse than I imagined, I’ve started drinking. -

JUNE: Happy G20, this party sure is a riot! In June the G20 came to Toronto, and everyone burned a bunch of shit. Here’s our exciting live-ish blog!

- NOTE: OH MY GOD THEY’VE GOT A GUY IN BLACKFACE AS OBAMA DOING AN OLD SPICE COMMERCIAL PARODY, THIS IS THE WORST AIR FARCE NEW YEARS SPECIAL EVER -

JULY: I beg for your pardon? Of the articles I wrote in July, this is the longest.

AUGUST: Stephen Harper dances to Soulja Boy. Soulja Boy – the real rapper! – actually Favourited this video on Youtube. It was the highlight of my fucking life.

SEPTEMBER: Peter MacKay’s war on fake-war video games. September was a slow month.

OCTOBER: MapleRag EXCLUSIVE HIGH-QUALITY JOURNALISM about the Toronto mayoral debate. I took pictures in a mayoral debate I snuck into. That’s what us journalism folks call a scoop.

NOVEMBER: Government advertises on porn sites? Sidenote: Wait, you can get WHAT on the internet? I’m pretty proud of this, since this was pretty much the most intelligent article written on this topic on the internet, which is saying a lot.

DECEMBER: This fucking article you read right now. Congrats!

HAPPY DRUNKEN NEW YEAR!

-MapleRag

As if you needed more proof.

Immigration Minister Jason Kenney has dropped a bombshell in international political circles with a major, groundbreaking announcement settling centuries of debate: Santa Claus is a Canadian citizen.

The repercussions for us as Canadians cannot be understated.

For those not familiar with Santa Claus, he is a man who lives at the North Pole building toys, only to give them out free of charge to all of the good [also, Christian -ed.] children of the entire Earth on a single night, a night which coincidentally coincides with the birth of Jesus. A noted recluse, he is completely sheltered from the outside world and the media, save for rare occasions in which cartoon characters somehow injure him and are forced to perform the duties of Santa for the night.  Little is known about the man, his motives for running a massive toy-giving scheme, or his suspicious relationship with world governments that allow Santa into their airspace to perform countless acts of home invasion on an annual basis.

Now that we know that Santa is a Canadian citizen, what will this mean for our government’s major portfolios of responsibility?

Peter MacKay, National Defence: While Santa may at first appear to be a menace to international military forces by being virtually undetectable by modern radar and violating a number of international air space restrictions, the news that Santa is a Canadian citizen could be huge for our Defence department. While the controversy over a $9-billion purchase of F-35 fighter jets still looms, it’s interesting to note that Santa currently possesses an aircraft capable of travel at speeds scientists calculate at several times the speed of light. Run only on the occasional carrot left out by children and emitting zero carbon emissions, Santa’s crew of eight flying reindeer (with recent Wikileaks cables mentioning a ninth, red-nosed, possible alcoholic reindeer) could theoretically be bred, trained, equipped and combat-ready with the Canadian Military for deployment in Afghanistan as tactical high-speed weapons within a year. Furthermore, in war time Santa’s seemingly unlimited manufacturing resources could be converted into a near-infinite source of munitions for allied forces.

Tony Clement, Industry: Speaking of Santa’s manufacturing prowess, the news that Santa’s workshop falls under Canadian jurisdiction has instantly vaulted Santa into first place among Canadian manufacturers, with an estimated ten billion shipments exported per year. Meanwhile Santa’s workshop also instantly becomes the least-valued major company by TSX investors after posting consistent revenues of $0 per annum, putting them in a virtual tie with Nortel.

Rob Nicholson, Justice: The Government really needs to investigate Santa’s very loose adherence to international patent and copyright law. As the largest manufacturer in the world, Santa operates in a legal grey-area allowing him to recklessly reverse-engineer, replicate and mass-produce products from hundreds of thousands of trademark-holding companies worldwide. According to Nintendo Inc. estimates, Santa has manufactured at least one million Nintendo Wii gaming units over the past four years, with consumers unlikely to be able to spot a North Pole-made knockoff. If Minister Nicholson doesn’t crack down on this massive counterfeiting ring, Canada risks becoming a laughing-stock for their shoddy handling of magical elf workshops.

Lisa Raitt, Labour: Santa’s manufacturing base is maintained by an army of unpaid elf labour working in sweatshop conditions in a system alarmingly similar to slavery. While elf employment rates continue to hover around 100% in the North Pole region (save for the occasional misfit seeking to transition into dentistry), if Santa is truly a Canadian citizen, it’s alarming that we’re allowing one of the world’s worst human-rights violators to operate on our soil.

Jim Flaherty, Finance: From the NattyPost story linked up top:

“He added that Santa’s workshop is GST exempt, but admitted he didn’t get clearance from the minister of finance to say that.”

Typical Conservatives, always cutting taxes for Big-Elf-Manufacturing and screwing over the little guy, am I right? In any case, despite being the world’s largest manufacturer, Santa seems immune to taxation: as a charity he’s income tax-exempt, and as a slaveowner he doesn’t have to pay into CPP or EI. It would be worth investigating whether Santa receives any kickbacks from corporate partners such as Hanes, since based on my research Santa delivers literally hundreds of millions of wool socks every year despite consistently low demand from the world’s children.

—–

(Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and a grievance-rich Festivus, readers!)

Prime Minister Harper taking part in 90s-era festivities

OTTAWA (CP) – With apparent inspiration from the National Hockey League’s successful Heritage Classic and Winter Classic annual events featuring games played in outdoor settings with nostalgic vintage uniforms, noted hockey fan Prime Minister Stephen Harper has decided to implement a similar festive throwback event within the halls of the Canadian government.

Standing at a podium flanked by neon-green “REFORM in ‘97″ campaign sign, the Prime Minister spoke to the press in a drab, navy blazer with mismatched slacks and a gawdy Reform campaign button, a look reminiscent of the uniforms worn by his party in the 1990s. “Ladies and gentlemen, inspired by the rich nostalgia evoked by the National Hockey League’s commitment to its roots and heritage, I’d like to welcome you to Throwback Day on Parliament Hill,” the Prime Minister said before a pool of reporters.

Harper's throwback inspiration: the uniform the NHL's Calgary Flames will wear in their 2011 Heritage Classic match (not pictured: a wizard yelling "Ten points for Gryffindor!")

“We really thought it was time to get back to our roots in the 90s, to really reconnect with what politics was all about back then,” said a particularly pleased-looking Michael Ignatieff, wearing authentic period garb including a  “young-Tony-Blair-meets-young-Matthew-Perry” shaggy mullet wig, a red Nagano 1998 Roots poor-boy cap and a red Tommy Hilfiger polo shirt. “I’m really getting into this whole 90s thing. I’ve got my copy of the Red Book here signed by Paul Martin, I’ve got Our Lady Peace cranked on my Sony Walkman, I’m having a great time! You can’t stop the Big Red Machine!” said the Liberal leader from what appeared to be a reconstructed set from the 1990s CBC teen current affairs series Jonovision.

“I’ve carefully studied my character based on historical documents from the time period, and today I’m portraying a man named Joe Clark,” said Tony Clement, donning a plain blue one-button suit with a “PC in ‘93″ campaign button. “From what we know about him, he was the leader of an obscure party oxymoronically called Progressive Conservatives, and using some VHS tapes I borrowed from the Canadian Museum of Civilization I’m trying to live life the way historians believe he might have lived.” Staying in character, he then mumbled incoherently about Quebecers with his jowels trembling in outrage.

“This whole throwback shit’s starting to be kind of a pain,” said one NDP aide on conditions of anonymity. “I asked Mr. Layton if he wanted to reschedule an appearance on George Stroumboulopoulos’ show, and it’s like he honestly believed we were back in the 90s - he said that he had no reason to appear on some MuchMusic VJ’s heavy-metal clip show. Then he mumbled something about a meeting with ‘Alexa’ and wandered off.”

Gilles Duceppe, playing the role of Lucien Bouchard, spent the entire day pacing back and forth across Parliament scowling and wearing a combed-over toupée. When asked if we was enjoying the throwback day, the unsmiling Mr. Duceppe scoffed, yelled “VOTEZ ‘OUI‘ EN ‘95!” and punched the reporter in the stomach.

Question Period featured a spirited debate, with Ignatieff’s Liberals on the government side of the aisle fielding questions about the Clarity Act and repealing the GST, Harper’s Reform Party complaining about Eastern Canada favouritism while John Baird struggled to reach Twitter from a 90s-era clunky cellphone the size of a shoebox, and a wetsuit-wearing Stockwell Day complaining that a recent Liberal proposal “was so absurd, it was like something out of a Royal Canadian Air Farce episode. Or Double Exposure.”

At one point Stephen Harper rose to go on a ten-minute rant about the Liberals’ sponsorship scandal, although it was unclear whether he was still acting in character as someone from ten years ago, or speaking in the present.

Artist's rendition of how a snap election in the near future might look

Feel that? A rush of warm air in the frigid, dry winter air? That hot tingle running up your leg? Feeling all fuzzy inside? It’s ELECTION SPECULATION FEVER SEASON! Have you got the FEVER?

The Conservatives have introduced their new Human Smuggling bill, and everyone hates it! The Liberals and NDP are gonna vote against it! But what if the Tories make the bill a confidence issue? Chaos! Human sacrifice, cats and dogs living together, mass hysteria! After the 6-week Parliamentary Christmas vacation (if you’re not jealous of 6-week vacations, you’re either a teacher or pro football player), a vote of no confidence could mean a sudden 2011 SNAP ELECTION!

Is the tingle up to your torso yet? This is exciting! This is why you read politics blogs!

Elections! SNAP ELECTIONS! Snappier than normal elections!

But, wait, alright, let’s call calm the shit down for a second – why would anyone WANT to have an election in 2011?

Conservatives: Why now?

Say they decide to make the Human Smuggling bill a confidence motion, and stake their entire time in office on their God-given right to lock up all the refugees they want. If they do this, they avoid having to drop a doom-and-gloom budget early next year which would also almost certainly be voted down by the opposition, so either way it’s a precariously-balanced Jenga game that Harper sits atop for the next month.

But is now the time for Harper to pull the trigger? While still nowhere near a majority if an election were called tomorrow, by riding their new clustered-message strategy – long-gun registry and social issues in rural ridings, crime and jobs in urban ridings – they hope to take the odd Quebec seat, a couple of NDP/Liberal seats in the prairies, and raise the stakes all-in on the hope of making major inroads into what’s been Fort Liberal at least for my entire life, Toronto. With enough seats picked up, the Tories could pull ahead of a combined NDP/Liberal opposition, and while not a majority, they could at least buy another year of time on the government side of the House floor.

Liberals: Why bother?

This picture of Iggy standing on the side of the highway with the broken-down Liberal Express bus pretty much paints the whole picture

The Liberals of late have been a bit like the Toronto Maple Leafs of politics. The old-guard, well-moneyed establishment, each has struggled with identity issues in the past decade leading to a new leader, an infusion of fresh faces, and a new, aggressive strategy. The result has been the same in both cases: falling from passable to merely mediocre.

Literally nothing is working for the Liberals these days, their attacks are falling on deaf ears, Iggy’s eliciting the enthusiasm of a bowl of pudding, and the Grits are now looking so limp-dick vulnerable that even the fucking NDP now have their eyes set on the comfy confines of Stornoway.

Just like the only way for the Leafs to improve is by being awful enough to accumulate draft picks, the only way for the Liberals to take a stab at Harper’s stranglehold on power is to call an election they know they can’t win. A bitter pill to swallow in each case. At this point, the only thing that can bring the Liberals into power is a massive scandal, the type that managed to wrest power from the hands of Martin or Mulroney. If I were Iggy, I’d be stocking up on tape recorders, taking piano lessons, and patiently waiting.

NDP: Why not?

The NDP seems as feisty and fearless as ever, the lightweight boxer hopping up and down in his corner eager for a shot at the heavyweight champ. But realistically, Layton’s been doing this gig for a while now. Do they really think they can sneak into a second-place finish if the Liberals seriously shit the bed in a snap election? Being leader of the opposition comes with a nice house and a nice addition to your Wikipedia summary, but is that what the NDP wants: murdering the Liberal party at the expense of giving Harper a majority?

The voter: Why the fuck did I leave work early to stand around in a middle-school gym with old people just to vote in this shitty landslide riding?

Why indeed.