Did you know that eagles don't have tear ducts? For more information on the bald eagle, contact Hinterland Who's Who's in Ottawa.

September 11th was this past weekend, and unless you sell commemorative airbrushed XXL t-shirts with balds eagle crying American-flag-patterned tears or are Glenn Beck planning another one of your stupid shouty circlejerks for fat old idiots, 9/11 is kind of a shitty, awkward day. I just wish they would skip it and go straight from September 10th to the 12th, like they do with the 13th floor in buildings.

How did our politicians spend the week of 9/11? By accusing each other of secretly being evil Americans! Hey, remember on September 11th – like, the one in 2001, not the date that happens every year – when Americans initially blamed Canada for letting all those terrorists into their country, which we didn’t? In order to show the world that the mistakes of 9/11 will not be commited again, instead of Americans accusing evildoers of having Canadian ties, here are a bunch of stories about Canadians who are accused of having ties to evildoing Americans:

• >> CBC: “The Americans are coming!” CBC opened up a can of worms – a perfectly good can, which in a free world could be lined up and shot with unregistered rifles – with a report on how the NRA, a loose collection of rednecks, weirdos and the late ape-lover Charlton Heston that somehow became a hugely powerful multi-million-dollar lobbying empire, has been meddling in Canadian politics for years. The Tories later responded that the CBC was full of shit. Which leads to:

• >> Liberals to Harper: “Stop being American.” Grit House leader David McGuinty gets into the act, calling out the Conservatives for trying to pound away at divisive wedge issues like the long gun registry just to polarize voters. You know who ELSE used polarizing wedge issues? That’s right, HITL-… I mean, REPUBLICANS. McGuinty, having successfully made his point that Stephen Harper- a politician – used basic political tactics, then ended by slamming down his fists and shouting: “Your honour, given this evidence, I present to the jury that Stephen Harper IS IN FACT the lost bastard son of George Bush and Sarah Palin, I REST MY CASE.”

• >> Conservatives to Ignatieff: “Am not, you are!” Pierre Poilievre, stand-up comedian to the Prime Minister, responded to these charges of his party’s Americanness: “Well like, it takes one to know one, and like, Michael Ignatieff’s the only one hear acting all American, maybe because he like, LIVED IN AMERICA.” At this point Poilievre made an “L” sign with his fingers while mouthing  the word “Loserrrrr.”

• >> MOSQUETARD SIGHTING! This one doesn’t involve a politician, but a Canadian journalist getting involved in the newest incarnation of American failure-groups such as Truthers, Birthers and Teabaggers - a real-life Mosquetard! Except this article isn’t even in the Sun, or in the confused ramblings of an old racist drunk writing on his McDonald’s wrapper – it’s in the somewhat readable Ottawa Citizen! Resident sweaty idiot David Warren farted out a bunch of words about how Herp-Dee-Derp, Dem Muzlins Are Buildin’ A Mosk On The 9/11 Hole STOPTEHMOSK!!1! New twist: this wordy Warren jackass dances around the fact that he thinks building a harmless cultural community centre among hundreds of other religious centres in a massive, multicultural city, is WORSE THAN this moron in Florida who keeps threatening to burn korans. It’s one thing to have ties to the NRA, but David Warren, your ties to the Mosquetard movement are inexcusable.

GM Brian Burke announcing the departure of Tony Clement to the US Congress at a joint press conference

In a move designed to “shake up” the stagnant world of the Canadian parliament, Toronto Maple Leafs General Manager Brian Burke announced a blockbuster trade deal today to send Parliament stars Tony Clement and Martha Hall Findlay to the United States Congress in exchange for prospects Congresswoman Stephanie Herseth Sandlin (D-ND), Congressman Jim Jordan (R-OH), and a second-round draft pick.

“We’re really looking to rebuild and inject some new talent. I’m not afraid to shake things up. The media probably thought a guy like Clement wasn’t moveable, being Minister of Industry and all. Y’know what? Titles don’t mean jack to me”, the outspoken Burke told a media huddle outside of Parliament. “From what I’ve seen from Sandlin and Jordan, they’ve got the kind of grit, tenacity and hustle that I like in a government representative. Sure, people will question my moves, but let me tell you, this group of MP’s needed a wake-up call.”

Tony Clement, now serving as a freshman congressman representing Ohio’s 4th Congressional District, said the move came as a shock. “I really didn’t think I was going anywhere, I had time left on my contract with Parliament and I was a Cabinet Minister and all, but look, that’s the past. I’m looking forward to working with Congress, they’re a great organization with some great players, and I look forward to playing on the Ohio Delegation line with guys like [John] Boehner and Kucy [Dennis Kucinich].”

“Look, it’s a real loss to lose Tony and Martha, but that’s just the dynamics of the market,” said current Parliament captain Stephen Harper. “I’m looking forward to playing with Sandlin and Jordan, they’re both classy, gritty players with a ton of potential who can work the corners in a legislative session and won’t be afraid to throw the gloves down in Question Period.”

Stephanie Herseth Sandlin, a 5′6″, 39-year-old out of Aberdeen, South Dakota who will now be the Member of Parliament for the Toronto riding of Willowdale, said she was looking forward to playing with Parliament. “I’ve been learning about the franchise, the history, y’know, checking out the Wikipedia page about Canadian government ever since I heard about the trade”, she told reporters. “It seems like there’s a lot of shouting, so, I’m looking forward to that. Also, why the hell’s my new office locked? Anyone know what the hell ‘prorogue’ means?”

“I think both organizations can benefit from this trade. Congress is picking up a couple of seasoned veterans as they gear for a healthcare-playoff push, and Parliament’s getting some great prospects as they work on rebuilding,” Burke added. Asked if he was considering more trade moves, possibly with European parliamentary bodies, Burke said he “didn’t want any of those pantywaist Euro crybabies prancing around.”

Here are the best things about Chicago, which is a city, in America, where I was:

1. #1: You can get expensive little espresso things on every corner, they’re basically just ridiculous little shotglasses of bitter coffee but they keep you awake as hell, which is good, because it means less time sleeping on a hostel bed and possible getting bed bugs / mugged.

1. #2: They let you play drinking games in bars.

1. #3: I was in a bar that SERVED ALCOHOL UNTIL FOUR AM.

1. #4: Your wallet feels super-thin when it’s not full of loonies and toonies, which makes your outer right thigh happier.

1. #5: They talked all cute! Chi-caaaw-go. Aht’ll be twinny daawlers. I wanted to bring home my own American because they’re so adorable, but customs frowned on that.

1. #6: When Americans hear you’re Canadian, they’ll try to make a joke about it, but their material just isn’t all that fresh. I mean, when it comes to making fun of Canadians, Canadians are pretty much at the top of our game – no one’s gonna make fun of us better than we self-effacingly make fun of ourselves! So even if we may have high standards, “Hurr, uh, you’re Canadian, so… you drive sled dogs… also… igloos?” just won’t cut it. But God bless ‘em for trying, it was great.

Back to the purpose of this blog, which is ostensibly “Canadian politics” I GUESS, I asked an American and an Australian tourist if they could name any Canadian politicians, ever. From the Australian I got a “no”, but not a sheepish, embarassed “no”, the kind of adamant “no, why the hell would you even ask” type of response you’d get if you’d asked “Hey, you ever gotten pubic lice?” From the American, I got “I don’t think so… wait… Baker… Baker-something?” I accepted that answer as perfectly correct. See, Americans aren’t clueless about the world around them! This dude knew him some Diefenbaker. God bless America.