Deleted scene from "Helena & Rahim Go To White Castle"

Former Conservative MP and husband of Helena “Happy Fucking Birthday” Guergis is reportedly recovering in the hospital, nursing lacerations to his lower hand after receiving a VICIOUS slap on the wrist from Ontario courts!

Jaffer, you’ll remember, was busted last year for plowing through a village with a 50 KM/h speed limits doing 93 clicks, being pulled over, being drunk, and for possessing some sort of magical white nose-candy. Drunk driving, possession of a narcotic, oh boy, this guy’s DONE! He’s headed for the big house! Send my regards to the guards at Kingston Pen, buddy! He- wait, what?

Oh right, he’s a famous politician! He got a careless driving charge and had to pay 500 bucks. Your courts hard at work!

Jaffer, a staunch anti-drug activist, somehow got the more-serious coke charges dropped. Either he successfully argued that he didn’t have possession (“Ossifer, I schwear, tha’ss not mai coke… *hic*”) or maybe the cops found it on an illegal search, which invalidates the charge. Or maybe he just snorted the whole baggy up right in front of the cops, and slurred “Where’z yer evidenthse nowwww, CSI: Palgrave, Ontario?” Or maybe he’s just a rich well-connected asshole and the rules don’t apply to him.

With Bill C-15 being pushed through, the bullshit mandatory drug-sentences law that the Tories love so much they stacked the Senate just to get it through, it looks like Rahim’s dealer’s gonna get a mandatory minimum year in jail. Rahim, of course, voted to support the bill in its earlier form when he was still in office.

“I’m sure you can recognize a break when you see one” the judge told Mr. Jaffer.

Did the court reporter note that the judge then gave an overdramatic “wink, wink” motion while rubbing his fingers together to signify “money”?

His lawyer, Howard Rubel said: “What Mr. Jaffer did was drive without paying attention to how fast he was going.”

He then failed to mention “Oh yeah, and he was totally shitfaced hammered, he was so drunk the cops could smell the booze on his breath, and, yeah, they also found a shitload of cocaine in the car, which my client occasionally enjoys in his nasal area. But really, the main charge here was speeding. The big silly goofball’s just a bit lead-footed on the gas, that’s all! Probably one of those fuckin’ Toyotas.”

Anyways, the real reason the charges were dropped is because Helena Guergis kicked down the courtroom doors halfway through proceedings, screaming like a banshee, jumped off the attorney’s desk and gave a flying elbow-drop to the bailiff while screaming “HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY”, before beating the crown attorney senseless with the gavel and threatening to bite the judge’s face until they arrived at the verdict of a reduced sentence.

[Story: Globe]

UPDATE: Liberal MP Anita Neville brought up Rahim Jaffer during Question Period today, and SHIT GOT REAL! Anita passive-aggressively baited the Tories into responding in some way to one of their own getting a slap on the wrist, after which the Tories demanded an apology, banged their desks and shook their jowls in blustery rage, and Neville was pretty much like, “What, I’m not apologizing, it’s not my fault Rahim Jaffer’s a corrupt cokehead”, which led to more shoutiness and the Speaker having to say “Order” no less than 19 times to shut ‘em up. That should be a new CPAC drinking game: drink when the Speaker calls for order! (Note: MapleRag is not responsible for your upcoming alcohol poisoning.)

Head On?

This indescribably awkward Miracle Whip ad about how their slightly-off-tasting mayonnaise is really a punk-rock parkour party lifestyle?

SLAP CHOP?!

All worthy entries, but there are a slew of ads on the TV right now that are so horribly cheap, deceptive and downright slimey that they’re pretty much the bleary-eyed, past-their-prime hookers of the television world. And it’s not even for a product! It’s not even really for anything, other than gigantic corporations trying to shill some sort of vague, infuriating outrage in gullible consumers! It’s a war between some of the largest, most powerful conglomerates in this country trying to use levels of deception and trickery unseen since the Disney corporation convinced the world that the Jonas Brothers were a viable rock-and-roll band. Canadian companies – generally a passive, shy bunch – are being bigger corporate whores than the Disney? Say it ain’t so Read on for the low-down on what will be remembered as one of the most ridiculous battles of the year, StopTheTVTax vs. LocalTVMatters!

If you’ve been in a coma for the past few months – first of all, welcome back, you didn’t miss much, Yankees won the World Series, everyone’s dying of a pig-based flu, and the Leafs have won 1 game in 13 attempts, so, it was a good couple of months to miss – but aside from that, you may be blissfully unaware of the feud between StopTheTVTax and LocalTVMatters!

Background Info

The economy’s shit. Local TV stations aren’t making any money off advertising. They’ll go off the air if they don’t get money from somewhere. They (local CTV, Global, etc. networks) are saying to the cable companies (Rogers, Bell, etc.) “Hey assholes, you carry our channels, and make money off of your subscribers, but you’re not paying us anything. Since we’re not cable channels and we’re free over-the-air, you just sell our signal to subscribers, and we get none of that sweet cable-bill gravy. Brother, can you lend a dime?”

Cable companies to TV networks: “Bite me. We’re not paying you. Get the government to lend a hand to you guys. If they make us pay you guys, we’re just gonna get back the money we pay you by bumping up prices on cable biles. In conclusion, bite me.”

Now, altogether, this is just another classic corporate struggle, something that the CRTC has to deal with. Indeed, the CRTC will iron out the details in negotiations that start 10 days from today. Problem is, this is a make-or-break situation on both sides, involving some of the biggest heavy-hitters (Canwest Global, CTV-Globemedia, Bell, Rogers) in Canadian business. So what do they do – let the CRTC render their decision, or try to sway public opinion with a series of slick, deceptive propaganda campaigns to huddle crowds of confused consumers onto their sympathetic sides?

I think you can see where this is going.

Bell, Rogers, Cogeco, Telus, merge to form… “STOP THE TV TAX!”

An unholy alliance of traditional rivals, these are the companies that basically control your lives – the internet service provider you’re reading this with, the TV you watch, the phone you use, some of the TV networks you watch and radio stations you listen to and magazines you read, the, uh… Toronto baseball team doomed for another season of mediocrity… all of that is owned by these companies, and they’ve pooled their dastardly influence to form a propaganda campaign so deceptive, so devious, so downright ugly, an evil madman is slamming his table deep within his underground volcano lair, cursing his henchmen that he hadn’t thought of this himself.

The set-up: Look, we’re innocent in all of this. Y’know who the bad guys are? The dirty TV networks! Y’know what they want to do? RAISE YOUR CABLE BILLS! Nevermind the fact that we’re the cable companies who would be raising your cable bills… it’s the fault of your local Global station! It’s like an abusive husband is punching you in the face, then sobbing “I wish I didn’t have to hit you.”

Their arguments:

• ● They want to create a TV TAX! That’s right, a TAX! Do you ENJOY taxes? Nevermind the fact that this isn’t a tax at all, and that this entire group seems to have no idea what the term “tax” means, even though it’s the focus of their campaign!

• ● The Big Networks (they actually call them this, all capitalized and everything!) are just a bunch of fatcats, lighting Cuban cigars with burning Robert Bordens [ed. note: Canadian currency sounds less sexy when referred to by Prime Minister] while the poor cable companies suffer! That’s right. Bell and Rogers suffer. The largest media conglomerates in this country, possibly the most powerful Canadian companies since the days of the Rupert’s Land-era HBC, are complaining about being the little guys in a fight up against Goliath. The Goliath, in this case, being bankrupt local TV networks. To paint their picture, StopTheTVTax makes a point of talking about how much money Canwest Global and CTV-Globe earn, ignoring the fact that just because a giant media company makes a profit doesn’t mean that the local CTV station in Saskatoon has enough money to pay for a news anchor, or at least a moderately attractive weathergirl. [Ed. note: research CTV Saskatoon weather girl]

• ● The Big Network assholes don’t even spend money on Canadian TV anyways, what are they whining about needing money to support Canadian TV for? Honestly, I can’t even begin to pick apart this argument. That’s why they want money, so they can invest it in Canadian TV, that’s the point of this whole argument. It’s like standing up at a town hall and shouting “Why should our tax dollars go towards building our town a swimming pool? No one swims anyways!”

• ● The Big Networks will add $5-$10 to your cable bills, THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! I mean, unless you think about this for a second, and say “Uh, no, that’d actually be you guys bumping your fees by 5 to 10 bucks, and the CRTC negotiations haven’t even happened yet, so, what orifice did that number come from?”

• ● It’s a bailout! No it’s not. You don’t know what that word means. Stop using loaded words to scare people. You’re idiots.

Anyways, these idiots have all these non-stop ads on TV and radio stations owned under one of their corporate umbrellas, alongside one of those infuriation “Web 2.0 Social Networking Interweb” campaigns. Jesus Christ, StopTheTVTax has 70,000 fans on Facebook? I’m through with these chumps. Who’s next?

[Note: have looked into CTV Regina weathergirl situation, it's not bad, but there's always room for improvement. -Ed]

CTV, Global, CBC, merge to form… “LOCAL TV MATTERS”!

Another classic case of an unholy alliance of rivals, their pitch: local TV is good, make the Evil Cable Networks hook us up with some cash! Right off the bat, at least these guys have got a less infuriatingly misleading name, and their ads are less about doom and gloom and more about saving your local down-home friends at Mom & Pop’s Good-Olde-Fashioned Global Affiliate. Problem right off the bat: people are idiots, and they don’t respond well to positive reinforcement. Their arguments:

• ● Bell and Rogers are dicks. No complaints here.

• ● We’re broke. Again, no argument.

• ● Give us money. Ehhhh, you might have lost us there.

• ● Alright, I’m just gonna quote verbatim from their website, here’s a list of the great things your local TV networks bring you:

Flashpoint, Being Erica, Hockey Night in Canada, Entertainment Tonight Canada, Project Runway Canada, Dumont 360 and The Gemini Awards.

Jesus Christ, if the treading-water-above-cancellation CBC show about the time-travelling chick is your #2 lead-in and poorly-repackaged ports of American reality-TV drivel are your #4 and #5 picks, Christ, is it even WORTH saving local TV?

Fuck both camps.

[Read more of their horrible lies: Local TV Matters, Stop The TV Tax]