No, we didn't mean to write Die Pigs on that cruiser! It's merely German, for The Pigs.

Woohoo, it’s the G20! Bring your friends, let’s “cause shit” and “party”! Hey man, a bunch of drab economic wonks are convening to have low-key discussions about the intricacies of interest rates, inflation and ensuring macroeconomic stability – you know what that means, LET’S SET SOME GODDAMN POLICE CARS ON FIRE!

Here are my compiled comments, which I’m not calling a “liveblog”, because liveblogs are for teenagers watching American Idol:

• > We join this riot already in progress. They’re already looting down Queen. Maybe these black-clad anarchists plan on looting the American Apparel and putting the clothes on to blend in as apathetic Queen Street hipsters.

• > On breaking stuff properly. CTV News Network is showing a loop of the same 10 or so clips of footage, one of which features a balaclava-sporting anarchist charging at the glass storefront of a Scotiabank and taking a swing at it with some sort of rock (or other blunt object). After a few weak blows of his weak, vegan arm strength against this obviously-reinforced glass, he tries kicking it a few times in frustration leaving a weak dent, and then finally throws his rock at the window in frustration and runs away. I can’t help but feel sorry for the poor, malnourished weakling. I want to start a charity telethon to sponsor anarchists. Did you know that 7 out of 10 black bloc rioters today, right here in Canada, can’t even break a window using a weapon?

• > A disaster of venti proportions. I was watching CityTV when they showed images of the Starbucks being looted across the street at Queen and John, and I noticed a strong hint of sadness in the reporter’s voice as she actually said “OUR Starbucks.” You could almost see her on the verge of tears, about to soberly declare, “That’s when it got personal for me, when these hippie bastards took the Starbucks across the street where I’d gotten countless venti no-foam extra hot soy milk toffee nut lattes, and then splashed it in my worthless assistant Kevin’s face for fucking up my order again.”

• > On ninjas. Speaking of the black bloc gang, a lot of media commentators don’t realize “black bloc” is a style of protest, not a unified group. If you can assign a group title to this fairly nebulous group of shit-disturbers and hangers-on, it’d be S.O.A.R, Southern Ontario Anarchist Resistance, who have quite the cute-sounding acronym for a bunch of morons who think smashing the windows of a Tim Hortons will have a positive effect on political discourse. Y’know, I remember back when the Quebec City protests rolled in around 9 years ago, and as an impressionable teenager, I thought – hell yeah! Fight the power! Breach the fence, don’t take their police brutality! Now, as a taxpaying, job-holding adult, I’m watching these shit-disturbing, cop-car-burning clowns on TV and hoping they get a lung-full of teargas. Have I sold out, or just gained the wisdom that comes with age? On a lighter note, the anarchists, with their head-to-toe black gear, black head coverings and their way of quickly darting around silently, makes me wonder how this city would cope if we were overrun by ninjas.

• > Less SOAR, more SOAP. CBC has just opined that it’s a shame these images of violence and chaos will spread throughout the worldwide media, making a mockery of Toronto. I just turned to CNN to see how our shameful, sensationalist violence would be reported to America, and instead the current breaking news headline on CNN was “ARE YOU AN OVERSOAPER?” Apparently, conventional dishwashers don’t need that much soap at all!

• > Who’s the boss? Police Chief Bill Blair just gave the best press conference ever, where he vowed to kick the asses of every snot-nosed punk who messed with his city, and where he did not take any of your shit, you smarmy little reporters. And you’d better have your facts straight, you pencil-necked reporter geeks, or he’ll give you a SMACKDOWN of factual recourse. (The best kind of smackdown!) Um, excuse me, Police Chief Blair, I’ve got a question for you – that banging sound outside, is that the sound of police marching in rhythm and banging their batons on their shields, or is it your GIANT BRASS BALLS swinging together?

• > We’re rioting because of the Leafs’ poor draft choices, right? For historical background – after all, I run a very factual website – I checked Wikipedia for more information on the history of riots in Canada, prompted by repeated mentions of this being the first time tear gas had ever been used on Canadians. It turns out that 6 of the 11 recorded riots in Canada since 1950 have been hockey-related. Sounds about right.

• > Tweets for twits. In other news, Twitter has been an invaluable source of information today – and misinformation, too! I can’t tell you how many times reporters live on the air today said things like “according to Twitter we’re hearing the fence has been breached”, which, of course, never happened. Could you imagine if Twitter had been around during other historic newscasts? “News of the World, Dateline, 1944 – Ladies and gentlemen, we’re getting reports in from Twitter that the Nazis have actually won the war, that Hitler himself has parachuted into Washington D.C. to assume the American Presidency, this coming from Twitter user BigDaddyGoebbelz88“. Speaking of Twitter, I think stalwart TVO newsman Steve Paikin has devolved into insanity, please see below:

FREE STEVE PAIKIN

Happy Cinco De Mayo (Spanish for “a fifth of Mayonnaise”), a Mexican holiday celebrating the, uh… some sort of revolution, or war, or… historical thing… hey look, Coronas are half price at the bar today! Here’s what’s going on in the country of Canada, which joins Mexico as America’s other bookend:

• > Did you hear about the new Conservative dinosaur, Pte-REDACT-yl?: “Canadian Journalists for Free Expression”, a made-up sounding group, has launched their inaugural Free Expression Review - and they’ve given Harper’s Conservatives the fair and balanced grade of “F” when it comes to releasing information. Look, I’m all for exaggeration – I exaggerate about 7.3 billion times per millisecond, no word of a lie – but if the Canadian government gets an “F”, what the fuck does North Korea get, F minus? The catchy “CJfFE” say Harper overuses national defense as an excuse to not divulge information. That’s a good thing, because otherwise we might all find out about the secret plan to █████████  the ███  ███  █████ without ███  ██  ██████ massive ███  ██  ██████  circus ██████  ███  ███  ███  ███ Denmark ███  ██████  ███  plastic bits on the end of shoelaces ██████  ███ [Note: This last sentence censored by federal government officials]

• > Chretien says nothing, columnist somehow says less: Let’s say you’re a columnist for a popular line of parrot-cage lining called “The National Post”, and luckily enough, you get an impromptu sit-down interview with Jean Chretien, one of the most powerful figures in Canadian politics in our lifetime and a man who ruled the country for a decade. Now, let’s say you don’t really give a shit what Jean Chretien has to say, but you’ve got an aching rage deep within your heart for Michael Ignatieff that you need to let out. What would you do? Introduce the topic of meeting Jean Chretien, and then right as the reader is suspecting an interesting, in-depth interview, become increasingly outraged about Michael Ignatieff’s current Liberals. Just start throwing shit out there and see if it sticks. Refer to some imaginary conversation with unnamed “senior party officials” and use it as the basis for your claim that the Liberals, a party that have dominated Canadian politics since 1867, will be reduced to ashes in the near future. Try to reach such a pinnacle of blustery, off-topic rage that your last sentence implies Michael Ignatieff be lynched. Whoa, is that 1000 words already, send that shit to the editor and call it a day!

• > By “beating up a sick puppy”, did you mean “unnecessary” or “easy”?: John Doyle, the Globe’s resident couch-potato who gets paid to watch reality television in his underwear, has been weighing in on the CULTURE WAR brewing on Canadian television sets. What, you didn’t notice there was a CULTURE WAR? You were watching hockey? Well, there’s a CULTURE WAR, and you’re going to sit down and shut up and read all of our articles about it, damnit. The Conservative party are getting in on the CULTURE WAR by picking a fight with those liberal propagandists at the CBC, which is like… well, let’s say we liken the CULTURE WAR to an actual war, such as Star Wars. It would be like if, in the war between the Dark Side and the Rebellion, Darth Vader were picking fights with R2D2. Doyle argues that the CBC, rather than being the super-Liberal propaganda-pieces the Conservatives claim, bend over backwards to be bland, neutral populists. I’m all for any plan that gets “Being Erica” cancelled, though.

• > If you’re from Bay Roberts, Newfoundland, stop reading now: MoneySense came out with their annual ranking of the best places to live in Canada. Go ahead, find out where your craphole city ranked, and then be outraged that you got beat by Oshawa.

Alaska is America's Newfoundland

Alright, let’s break down the players in this story in case you’ve been in a coma for 23 years:

This Hour Has 22 Minutes was a popular CBC news-parody political-satire series. About 10 years ago. Apparently it’s still on! Honestly, have any of you watched 22 Minutes lately? It’s basically a horrible, walking zombie corpse of its former self, telling old, unfunny jokes for lobotomized septuagenarian Newfies. The show hasn’t been fresh, relevant or witty since the days of Rick Mercer, Jean Chretien, and, uh… what else did we Canadians enjoy 10 years ago… listen to B4-4, I guess? Anyways, this was once a cutting-edge show, responsible for the format which inspired later shows like The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Nowadays compared to what Jon Stewart is doing, 22 Minutes is somewhere on the comedy scale between The Ron James Show and History Channel documentaries about the holocaust.

Sarah Palin is a dumb, illiterate redneck from our half-retarded leftward neighbour, Alaska. She’s a bland, uninformed hick who is also, somehow, the most dangerous and potent force in conservative politics in the world’s only major superpower. GOD BLESS AMURIKA USA #1.

Anyways, these two somehow had a chance encounter! Remember when 22 Minutes was edgy, when Rick Mercer got access to both Bush and Gore in the 2000 election and made them both look dumb? When various 22 Minutes characters got access to every sitting Prime Minister from Chretien to today, and made them look like assholes right in front of their faces? Anyways, these days 22 Minutes settles for sending their most tired, played-out character (memo to CBC: character comedy only works when the character is funny, see also: Sagdiyev, Borat) Marg Delahunty, played by 22 Minutes vet Mary Walsh, to mess with Palin.

Without any concrete plan, they basically relied on this formula: 1) Let Marg Delahunty (formerly known as Marg the Warrior Princess, based on the series Xena which ran from 1995 – 2001, which gives you an idea of how fresh this character is) bust into Sarah Palin’s whirlwind book tour which various rednecks and idiots had been camping overnight for. 2) Let Sarah Palin say anything. 3) Comedy.

Well we watched the whole episode (God help us) and here’s what went down!

Marg, dressed in a Palin-esque red pantsuit, basically charged into the book signing in Columbus, Ohio (civic slogan: “Whenever Cleveland and Cincinnati are fully booked, experience Columbus!”) and started shouting. There were probably a lot of funnier things she could’ve shouted given this level of access, but here’s the mildly backhanded thing she went with:

(paraphrasing, because there’s no way I’m pulling 22 Minutes back up on Tivo, fuck that, I’m drunk) “Sarah, we came all the way up [?] from Canada, do you have any words of encouragement for our Conservative government who are trying to dismantle our healthcare system?”

Immediately, about 5 strong-armed goons converged on her and started shoving her outside, BUT: Palin actually responded! Ignoring any media training she may have gotten to “ignore people who are being dragged away by security guards” or “ignore people who MAY be making fun of you”, she went ahead and responded to the CBC cameras.

Palin: (again, paraphrasing) “Well, KEEP THE FAITH, we’re all aiming for the same goals of private enterprise dictating healthcare choices” or something else stupid and bland like that.

Now, Palin might not have known it, but in Canada’s unique brand of wry, unfunny humour (see: rest of CBC lineup), she was being mocked! Y’see, pretty much all Canadians love universal healthcare, so the idea of some halfwit like Sarah Palin encouraging the Tories to dismantle healthcare… well, it’s funny I guess… jeez, I’m not explaining everything to you.

After the shoving-based encounter, Marg hid out in the loading dock of the Columbus Borders bookstore and shouted pretty much the same thing to Palin as she was getting back on her bus, and Palin responded loud and clear with the same basic message, with “Keep the faith” being the core of the message:

Palin (actual quote this time!) “Canada needs to dismantle its public health-care system and allow private enterprise to get involved and turn a profit.”

Boy, I hope Jesus lets the Conservative government dismantle Medicare, just like Sarah Palin prays for and no actual Canadians even consider as a possibility!

Anyways, there’s no video online yet (WHAT THE HELL CBC, I PAY YOUR SALARY WITH TAXES) but here’s a news article which probably has slightly more detail than we included! Fair warning: the Canadian Press article is full of lies, such as the second sentence which begins with “Comedian Mary Walsh’s beloved character“, which would have been an accurate observation circa 2003, the last time anything remotely related to This Hour Has 22 Minutes was beloved.

Remember the last time Canadians punk’d Sarah Palin? It was mildly funnier!

[Read: The CP Article]

Head On?

This indescribably awkward Miracle Whip ad about how their slightly-off-tasting mayonnaise is really a punk-rock parkour party lifestyle?

SLAP CHOP?!

All worthy entries, but there are a slew of ads on the TV right now that are so horribly cheap, deceptive and downright slimey that they’re pretty much the bleary-eyed, past-their-prime hookers of the television world. And it’s not even for a product! It’s not even really for anything, other than gigantic corporations trying to shill some sort of vague, infuriating outrage in gullible consumers! It’s a war between some of the largest, most powerful conglomerates in this country trying to use levels of deception and trickery unseen since the Disney corporation convinced the world that the Jonas Brothers were a viable rock-and-roll band. Canadian companies – generally a passive, shy bunch – are being bigger corporate whores than the Disney? Say it ain’t so Read on for the low-down on what will be remembered as one of the most ridiculous battles of the year, StopTheTVTax vs. LocalTVMatters!

If you’ve been in a coma for the past few months – first of all, welcome back, you didn’t miss much, Yankees won the World Series, everyone’s dying of a pig-based flu, and the Leafs have won 1 game in 13 attempts, so, it was a good couple of months to miss – but aside from that, you may be blissfully unaware of the feud between StopTheTVTax and LocalTVMatters!

Background Info

The economy’s shit. Local TV stations aren’t making any money off advertising. They’ll go off the air if they don’t get money from somewhere. They (local CTV, Global, etc. networks) are saying to the cable companies (Rogers, Bell, etc.) “Hey assholes, you carry our channels, and make money off of your subscribers, but you’re not paying us anything. Since we’re not cable channels and we’re free over-the-air, you just sell our signal to subscribers, and we get none of that sweet cable-bill gravy. Brother, can you lend a dime?”

Cable companies to TV networks: “Bite me. We’re not paying you. Get the government to lend a hand to you guys. If they make us pay you guys, we’re just gonna get back the money we pay you by bumping up prices on cable biles. In conclusion, bite me.”

Now, altogether, this is just another classic corporate struggle, something that the CRTC has to deal with. Indeed, the CRTC will iron out the details in negotiations that start 10 days from today. Problem is, this is a make-or-break situation on both sides, involving some of the biggest heavy-hitters (Canwest Global, CTV-Globemedia, Bell, Rogers) in Canadian business. So what do they do – let the CRTC render their decision, or try to sway public opinion with a series of slick, deceptive propaganda campaigns to huddle crowds of confused consumers onto their sympathetic sides?

I think you can see where this is going.

Bell, Rogers, Cogeco, Telus, merge to form… “STOP THE TV TAX!”

An unholy alliance of traditional rivals, these are the companies that basically control your lives – the internet service provider you’re reading this with, the TV you watch, the phone you use, some of the TV networks you watch and radio stations you listen to and magazines you read, the, uh… Toronto baseball team doomed for another season of mediocrity… all of that is owned by these companies, and they’ve pooled their dastardly influence to form a propaganda campaign so deceptive, so devious, so downright ugly, an evil madman is slamming his table deep within his underground volcano lair, cursing his henchmen that he hadn’t thought of this himself.

The set-up: Look, we’re innocent in all of this. Y’know who the bad guys are? The dirty TV networks! Y’know what they want to do? RAISE YOUR CABLE BILLS! Nevermind the fact that we’re the cable companies who would be raising your cable bills… it’s the fault of your local Global station! It’s like an abusive husband is punching you in the face, then sobbing “I wish I didn’t have to hit you.”

Their arguments:

• ● They want to create a TV TAX! That’s right, a TAX! Do you ENJOY taxes? Nevermind the fact that this isn’t a tax at all, and that this entire group seems to have no idea what the term “tax” means, even though it’s the focus of their campaign!

• ● The Big Networks (they actually call them this, all capitalized and everything!) are just a bunch of fatcats, lighting Cuban cigars with burning Robert Bordens [ed. note: Canadian currency sounds less sexy when referred to by Prime Minister] while the poor cable companies suffer! That’s right. Bell and Rogers suffer. The largest media conglomerates in this country, possibly the most powerful Canadian companies since the days of the Rupert’s Land-era HBC, are complaining about being the little guys in a fight up against Goliath. The Goliath, in this case, being bankrupt local TV networks. To paint their picture, StopTheTVTax makes a point of talking about how much money Canwest Global and CTV-Globe earn, ignoring the fact that just because a giant media company makes a profit doesn’t mean that the local CTV station in Saskatoon has enough money to pay for a news anchor, or at least a moderately attractive weathergirl. [Ed. note: research CTV Saskatoon weather girl]

• ● The Big Network assholes don’t even spend money on Canadian TV anyways, what are they whining about needing money to support Canadian TV for? Honestly, I can’t even begin to pick apart this argument. That’s why they want money, so they can invest it in Canadian TV, that’s the point of this whole argument. It’s like standing up at a town hall and shouting “Why should our tax dollars go towards building our town a swimming pool? No one swims anyways!”

• ● The Big Networks will add $5-$10 to your cable bills, THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! I mean, unless you think about this for a second, and say “Uh, no, that’d actually be you guys bumping your fees by 5 to 10 bucks, and the CRTC negotiations haven’t even happened yet, so, what orifice did that number come from?”

• ● It’s a bailout! No it’s not. You don’t know what that word means. Stop using loaded words to scare people. You’re idiots.

Anyways, these idiots have all these non-stop ads on TV and radio stations owned under one of their corporate umbrellas, alongside one of those infuriation “Web 2.0 Social Networking Interweb” campaigns. Jesus Christ, StopTheTVTax has 70,000 fans on Facebook? I’m through with these chumps. Who’s next?

[Note: have looked into CTV Regina weathergirl situation, it's not bad, but there's always room for improvement. -Ed]

CTV, Global, CBC, merge to form… “LOCAL TV MATTERS”!

Another classic case of an unholy alliance of rivals, their pitch: local TV is good, make the Evil Cable Networks hook us up with some cash! Right off the bat, at least these guys have got a less infuriatingly misleading name, and their ads are less about doom and gloom and more about saving your local down-home friends at Mom & Pop’s Good-Olde-Fashioned Global Affiliate. Problem right off the bat: people are idiots, and they don’t respond well to positive reinforcement. Their arguments:

• ● Bell and Rogers are dicks. No complaints here.

• ● We’re broke. Again, no argument.

• ● Give us money. Ehhhh, you might have lost us there.

• ● Alright, I’m just gonna quote verbatim from their website, here’s a list of the great things your local TV networks bring you:

Flashpoint, Being Erica, Hockey Night in Canada, Entertainment Tonight Canada, Project Runway Canada, Dumont 360 and The Gemini Awards.

Jesus Christ, if the treading-water-above-cancellation CBC show about the time-travelling chick is your #2 lead-in and poorly-repackaged ports of American reality-TV drivel are your #4 and #5 picks, Christ, is it even WORTH saving local TV?

Fuck both camps.

[Read more of their horrible lies: Local TV Matters, Stop The TV Tax]