(I’m slowly alienating all of my readers – HI MOM! – too old to know what the fuck a “Mortal Kombat” is.)

Ready? FIGHT!

ROCCO ROSSI

I'm pretty sure one of these is Rocco Rossi

Support based on most recent TorStar poll: 13%

Coles Notes summary: Big-time Liberal insider, and a member of Iggy’s Rosedale Gang, the world’s least intimidating-sounding street gang. He’s got an Ivy League pedigree and a laundry list of experience in the corporate and charity world. Mainly a backroom guy politically, he’s credited with being one of the guys responsible for stealing Iggy from Harvard to lead the Grits. Says he’s been a member of the Liberal Party since he was 11, which I’m pretty sure you’re not allowed to do. Has a weird little face. Is going to Rocco The Vote. Isn’t the only Rocco in the race – some other kid named Rocco entered the race before Rossi, and got to swipe the domain name RoccoForMayor.com – Rocco #2 being some fratboy who ran U of T student government into the ground a few years ago, while Rocco #1, unimpressed, will gladly tell you that he went to fucking Princeton.

Mayor Rocco?: I wouldn’t be against it. I’m a fan of backroom party-hack type guys, and his platform’s getting some inquisitive raised-eyebrows. One of his big plans is to sell Toronto Hydro, which is kinda wacky. He’s also willing to take a pay cut and freeze his salary, which is a nice way of saying “You don’t even KNOW how loaded I am.” He’s trying to reflect the modern doom-and-gloom economic conditions with a very belt-tightening, fiscally-responsible style, which is practical, but which doesn’t offer any of the bread-and-circuses that gets people elected. (He wants to put the kibosh on any new subway lines, which, for a dirt-poor subway-rider like me, is a bit frowny-emoticon.) But hey, it’s not like he’s a lunatic or anything, so if he gets a truckload of undecided voters on his side anything’s possible.

GIORGIO MAMMOLITI

Support based on most recent TorStar poll: 4%

Coles Notes summary: Longtime city councilor who was originally an NDPer, but who jumped ship and became a Liberal in the 90s, which in chess is called the “Bob Rae’s Defensive Shift”. Is now actually considered a right-leaning, fiscally conservative voice at City Hall. Actually changed his birth name a few years ago from the whitewashed “George” to the mamma-mia-Italiano “Giorgio”, which is pretty much the opposite of what most Italian-Canadians do to their names. As city councilor, one of his big projects was trying to get the lifeless, quiet suburb of North York an actual goddamn NHL hockey team, which was shockingly unsuccessful. Has been a longtime rival of bloated anger-bear Rob Ford, since they represent neighbouring wards and generally enjoy shouting at each other. To that end, Ford once called Giorgio “Gino-boy”, which, according to UrbanDictionary, means that Giorgio enjoys Diesel jeans and some sort of music so soul-numbingly terrible it can only be referred to as “beats”. Giorgio, his Italian blood at a boil, filed a human rights complaint against Ford and then actually tried to get his own son Michael Mammoliti (to be renamed Michelangelo at age 40) to run against Ford in his riding in 2003. Giorgio used to be in charge of the Toronto Zoo, and his experience with an organization that keeps a pen full of screaming, shit-throwing apes will prepare him for a job working with councilors at City Hall.

Mayor Giorgio?: Well, let’s just say that in pre-candidacy polling in October he polled 1% support, and that in April he polled 4% – hey, a quadruple increase in support ain’t bad! Asked what separates his from the other candidates, he responded: “Well, I have hair.” Coldblooded! Anyways, he’s too right for the lefties and not Rob Fordy enough for the righties and not Pantaloney enough for the Italians, meaning that maybe his immediate family members, neighbour and dentist will vote for him in the end.

SARAH THOMSON

Support based on most recent TorStar poll: 7%, which is pretty good… for a girl.

Coles Notes summary: Publisher of forgotten freebie The Women’s Post. Subsequently, is a woman. This separates her from the pack pretty well. Is such an unknown that her entire Wikipedia page is 2 lines long – hell, there are make-believe ray guns used in one episode of Star Trek that have entire paragraphs on Wikipedia. Her main endorsement is from Conrad Black, a man who can’t even spell her name and who holds the unfortunate title of “convicted felon”, which doesn’t exactly sound great in a press release. Wants to institute a $5 toll to use the Gardiner Expressway and Don Valley Parking Lot (local joke!), knowing that if there’s one thing to excite and energize voters, it’s threats of toll roads. Also wants to sell the Toronto Library, the second most-used library system in North America and an invaluable resource to new immigrants and families, to Wal-Mart or whoever the fuck. Oh yeah, and she’s also a smokin’ hot cougar who looks pretty hot for being 42, which is probably un-feminist of us to mention.

Mayor Sarah?: Hah, no.

ADAM GIAMBRONE

ISN’T RUNNING ANYMORE, because he thought it would be a good idea to pork some dreary, pouty gothish chick and deposit Adam Stains all over some shitty pleather City Hall couch without telling his made-up girlfriend, all while leaving a trail of hilarious, horny sext messages. For that, he was elected Mayor Of Comedy Town, by me. He’s since crawled back into the subway grate where he came from to continue running the TTC into the ground. Why did you have to leave us, Giamboner?

DON ANDREWS

Coles Notes summary: 67-year old white supremacist and perennial candidate. Once actually came second in a fairly uncontested race for Toronto mayor, which made City Hall reconsider the rule that the runner-up could take over the mayor’s desk if something happens to the mayor-elect. Once tried to gather up a rag-tag handful of white nationalists to invade the Caribbean nation of Dominica – no, seriously. Intends to be – and I quote – the “Opposite George (from the Seinfeld episode)”. Come on, he’s just a regular Seinfeld-lovin’ guy with plans for green initiatives, I don’t see why you wouldn’t vote for him, he’s just a Serbian immigrant who’s living the immigrant dream of… trying to rid the city of all immigrants… but, he is a-… but… *BRAIN EXPLODES*

MARK STATE

Mark State’s a complete nobody, but I’ll give him this – he’s an obsessive self-Googler (I hear that can make you go blind!) who finds every article related to the Toronto election and writes a comment at the bottom of the page talking about himself. Your move, Mark. See how good your self-Googling REALLY IS, and see the comment box below.

ZANTA

An eccentric shirtless man who wears a Santa hat and shouts at tourists as he does push-ups on the sidewalk. Unlikely he’ll raise the money to file his application to run, despite fledgling Facebook support. Probably the single most sane person in this race.

______

Well, that’s pretty much everyone.

GAME OVER.
FATALITYYYYY.