• > A purse by any other name: The Globe & Fail have continued their Pulitzer-worthy pursuit of Stockwell Day’s manpurse. In the third (!) such article about Doris’ murse, Jane Taber has bravely nailed down this story using Woodward & Bernstein-style investigative reporting. In the first mention, we learn that the Minister does indeed carry a murse, while in the breathless followup we learn just what he carries in his lady-bag: “a few legal documents, passport, wallet, small change purse, business cards and personalized note cards, mints, hand sanitizer, family photo and latest book I am reading.” (Omitted: lipstick, miniature chihuahua). Finally, in the penultimate story which will ultimately get Taber the Pulitzer, we get to see a picture of this stupid thing. JOURNALISM!

• > Prem. Williams’ Open-Heart Club Band: You’ve all heard about Danny Williams getting his heart tuned up in the States, right? And you’ve already twisted this dude’s cardiac problems into a politicized storyline about the state of Canadian healthcare, right? Good! Then we’re done here.

• > He’ll just PVR the curling, it’s better in fast forward: Obama’s not coming to our fancy little Olympics. We will get Diet Obama in the form of Joe Biden, who’ll ride the Amtrak here from Scranton and commit a bunch of Patented Biden Gaffes(tm), like pretending to be interested in luge. Hey, remember those photos that looked like George Bush was doing all this wacky drunk shit at the Olympics, being all sweaty and red-faced and holding up backwards flags and spanking volleyball players? Hah, what was WITH that guy.

• > Girl Power unseen since Sporty Spice: Harper’s new thing, his legacy, his sole and devoted cause as a head of state, is now Plight Of Women Worldwide. What, you didn’t know that? Come on, how could you not think of Harper as synonymous with the issue of women in developing countries, a topic he’s tackled all of never times. Iggy to Harper: “If you love women’s health so much, why don’t you marry it provide support for safe abortions?” Harper spokesman to Iggy: “Huh? What? HEY LOOK OVER THERE.”

The worst ZZ Top cover band ever

When Parliament’s prorogued, it’s kind of hard to get good political news. The news cycle has pretty much been “Liberals outraged at prorogue”, “Conservatives shrug in apathy”, “Oh hey look more Tiger Woods shit!” So let’s look at some broader stories, one of which has been firing up Globe&Fail mouthpieces lately: the weird fetish Stephen Harper has for all things Jewish!

Start here with Gerald Caplan offering what I thought was a pretty good overview. Summary if you’re too lazy to click: the Tories have practically been painting giant Stars of David on their chests lately, which is weird, considering Jews make up less than 1% of the country, most of which already live in Toronto or Montreal where they’re already entrenched in Fort Liberal territory. Prime example of this: a bunch of flyers mailed to Jewish neighbourhoods that feature Harper wearing a yarmulka, wrapped in an Israeli flag, eating gefilte fish and spinning a dreidel (OK, or something like that) while a sneering Iggy flies his elitist private jet over Israel, sky-writing “I HATE YOUR COUNTRY” with the exhaust trail (OK, close enough.)

Currently Listening: Stephen Harper feat. Jewpac Shakur & Dr. Dreidel - "Representin' & Defendin' (Klezmer Remix)"

Then, Caplan wrote a followup a week later, which is more on the topic of the Tories’ grandstanding fight against antisemitism, which is (1) a little ridiculous, as if they’re the only political party who would dare take a controversial stance like “antisemitism is bad, mkay?”, and (2) hurting funding to legitimate NGO’s who do good work, but who are a bit more squeamish with the whole Israel thing. Sidenote: don’t read any of the comments on either article, Globe&Fail commenters are generally the kind of raving loonies you cross the sidewalk to avoid, and throwing them an explosive topic like Israel is like jumping into the lion’s den with a suit made of T-bone steaks.

In walks Reform Party mouthpiece Ezra Levant, the noted Western Standard founder and muslim-baiter, to mess with Caplan’s shit. Ezra foams at the mouth for a while, saying that Harper isn’t embracing Jews just to grandstand in front of pro-Israel Christian voters, he’s actually fighting the terrorists!!! Terrorists are everywhere, you see, and unless Harper sends a flyer to your house saying how much he loves Israel more than Iggy, then the scary Terrorist under your bed is gonna get ya.

I’ve got a SPECIAL GUEST to get to, so I won’t mess with Ezra’s shit too much. But if you read Ezra’s third paragraph, where he tries to paraphrase one of Caplan’s arguments, you’ll realize that Ezra really didn’t get what the fuck Caplan was talking about. Caplan was talking about fundamentalist American Christians’ embrace of pro-Israel policies in order to fall in line with scriptural prophesies from the Book of Revelation (an old, well-known phenomenon that’s been written about a million places) and mentions the irony of how fundy Christians had, not too long ago, been adamantly anti-Jewish, before the new wave of prophetic, rapture-crazy Protestantism took over, and they all became Israel superfans. Ezra only saw the word Hitler, and his eyes rolled back into his head in an orgiastic Godwin’s Law overload. Anyways. Shutup, Ezra Levant.

SPECIAL GUEST JEW

Likes: Schmoozing, Schmutter. Dislikes: Schmucks, Schlock.

Romi Levine is a good Jewish girl who runs her own blog. We interviewed her on the topic of Harper’s embrace of her fellow chosen ones!

MAPLERAG: Stephen Harper: good mentch, or goyish schmuck?

ROMI: Goyish schmuck trying to pose as a new age Moses. Not doing a great job. He’s not even trying to hide his brown nosing towards Jewish Canadians

MAPLERAG: Does it make you feel happy how much he loves Jews? If the Prime Minister told me he loved me, I dunno, I’d kinda feel happy.

ROMI: It’s a false love. It’s like saying “oh, I love your outfit!” when you think the person looks like a fat bitch. I guess he just thinks a little white lie will go a long way / get him votes.

MAPLERAG: Do you think Harper’s getting fat? Would you tell him that?

ROMI: He could lose a couple pounds I guess. If I ever get around to meeting him (most likely never – journalists and Mr. Harper don’t cross paths very often), perhaps I’ll casually mention how effective weight watchers is. I don’t want to hurt his feelings right off the bat. I want to be the bigger person (not physically).

MAPLERAG: Finally, what do you think the Prime Minister has to gain from actively courting a minority that makes up less than 1% of the country and a lot of whom already vote Conservative?

ROMI: Some money? I couldn’t think of any other reason. I would be wary though. If I lent him a Toonie for a cup of coffee, I don’t think he’d pay me back.

Too bad Harper only pays for his coffee with oversized Conservative-logo-branded novelty cheques. (Ugh, look at me, I’m doing 4-month-old logogate jokes. What am I, Air Farce?) Anyways, thanks Romi!