• >> And NDP goes Last Call With Carson Daly: Liberals Go Letterman, announces the Globe&Fail! Of course, MapleRag readers (HI MOM) will know that we already predicted this trend ages ago. The Liberals made a “Ten Things I Hate About You” list about Harper, and passed it around class when the teacher wasn’t looking. Their new catchphrase is “culture of deceit”, and Helena “Happy Fucking Birthday” Guergis ranks a mere 5th on their Top 10 of Deceitfulness. Making lists is pretty much the laziest fucking thing anyone can write (see also: Any issue of Rolling Stone/Blender touting “The 10 most [adjective] [noun] EVER!”, or this very mailed-in blog post) so no points to the Liberals for creativity. However, points to Dimitri “Hockey Bet” Soudas for his rebuttal to this list of 10 specific criticisms, and his response, of “DURRR SPON-SER-SHIP SCAN-DULZ”

• >> The birds and the bees did WHAT to each other?: The Sex Ed plan for Ontario schools that everyone went crazy about last week? Yeah, it’s scrapped. As devout Fundamentalist Christians here at MapleRag, we wholeheartedly agree with this decision by McSquinty to cave under the pressure of a few religious wingnuts and fold faster than Superman on laundry day. I mean, how DARE we teach basic concepts of sexual orientation to preteens, then they might stop using “gay” as a catch-all adjective for “undesirable”! (i.e. “This door won’t open, it’s so gay”, “Homophobia’s so gay”, etc.) How DARE we teach 16 year olds how to use contraceptives, regardless of the fact that the average age for losing your virginity in this country is 16 and STD rates are on the rise due to practically non-existent sex education and kids turning to outdated playground misconceptions for advice that could very well get your dumb kid pregnant? I’M AN OUTRAGED CHRISTIAN RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE

• >> Keep your enemies close, and tell your friends to eat shit: Rahim Jaffer shunned and humiliated, starts this brilliant piece of schadenfreude, and it just gets better and better from there. Barely-functional man-child Rahim Jaffer, a disgraced, sweaty coke-snorting unemployed grifter, is currently trying to rat on his new friends (mobsters) to his old friends (Tories) in hearings to see just how much of a horrible, horrible person he is. Results: pretty horrible.

• >> Etc.: Finally, on the MapleRag local beat, we’d like to mention that an entire mall in Waterloo blew up this morning. As a Laurier alum, I can proudly say that if buildings had to blow up somewhere in the world, you could probably pick a lot of worse places. The casualties: Mel’s Diner (fantastic breakfast place for hungover students, will be sorely missed), a candy store caught in the crossfire, and the sleazy bars FUBAR, 140 West and Caesar’s, where creepy Kitchener guys in pink polo shirts would go to grind their crotches on drunk female students and puke Jagerbombs all over each other. Sean Kingston’s prophecy of “fire burnin’ on the dancefloor” has now been realized.

We made this picture for our last Rahim Jaffer story. We didn't know at the time there were ACTUAL STRIPPERS INVOLVED.

Last week, the Order of Canada was given out to new a crop of worthy Canadians for their tireless efforts over their lifetimes to making Canada and the world a better place.

Clara Hughes won for being good at finishing third at speedskating. Marc Kielburger won for being a sexy do-gooder who all the undergrad global studies majors want to sleep with. Willie O’Ree won for being a black hockey player, although I saw one article call him both a “ex-NHL star” and “NHL legend” in the first 2 sentences alone, which is pretty fucking high praise for a guy who had 4 goals in his entire 45-game NHL career. (You see, without Willie O’Ree, mainstream white America might never have learned that black athletes aren’t all Jackie Robinson – they can be mediocre too, and can be just as mediocre as below-average white players. I HAVE A DREAM, where people of all races can aspire to be a third-string suitcase-toting career-journeyman plug!)

However, one Order of Canada was missing.

The Order of Canada for Political Comedy should have gone to Rahim Jaffer.

The former MP’s continuing scandal of booze, coke, strippers, mobsters and Tories is just getting better and better, and after the Star wrote this fantastically detailed hit-job which deserves a million Pulitzers, there’s literally nothing else a Canadian political satire blog can write about.

It’s hard to pick apart something so ridiculous, let alone a story so fast-moving – by the time it’s taken us to get to this (SHUTUP WE WERE ON VACATION AND SUPER BUSY OK) Guergis has already resigned, and we’re still talking about the strippers! We feel like has-beens even writing about news that’s so old that the public has already swallowed, digested and excreted it into a thin, brown politics-turd. But come on. This story. This Goddamn story.

I’ll try to pull out some individually funny parts, but really, dwelling on the specifics of such a masterpiece would be like focusing on a singular brushstroke of a Van Gogh.

This Naz Gillani fellow is just spectacular. With the Toronto FC tracksuit, the cocaine orgies at stripclubs, the motley crew of shady associates like a rogue gallery in the 60s Batman series, the Tony Montana mansion, the Napoleon Complex tough-guy posturing, all wrapped up in a man who looks more like a driving instructor than a rampaging conman, he’s like a perfect caricature of a bumbling sitcom mob villain.

In the old Batman series, each villain would have a comically specific persona. He couldn’t just be a bad guy who did bad things – he’d be something stupid like The Mad Fisherman, and he’d live in a fishing hut surrounded by henchmen dressed as fish, and his diabolical plan would be to slowly dangle Robin over a shark tank as bait while shouting shitty puns like “Oh Batman, it seems you’re always FISHing for compliments!” (Actually, the character I just made up sounds pretty fuckin’ cool.) Anyways, everyone on Naz’s crack squad of mobsters also had an oddly specific job – an ex-CFL player who served as the muscle, a mysterious Chinese businessman who probably spoke in vague Confucius proverbs as their gateway to the Orient, and Rahim Jaffer, a disgraced former MP married to a disgraceful current MP as their “politics guy”. If a task came up that couldn’t be fixed with hookers, crushing football tackles or ancient Eastern wisdom, Rahim’s job would be to apply his now-tenuous political connections. Securing funding, getting legal issues swept under the carpet – all that inside-man double agent stuff.

To that end, Rahim – a man who lost an election two years ago, putting him out of a job or any kind of power – was still trying to whore his non-existent influence. He handed out his old MP businesscards, and had a stack of Helena “Happy Fucking Birthday” Guergis cards in his car. It’s almost sad, in a way – politics was all Rahim knew, and when he was stripped of his job through entirely legitimate means, he still needed to cling to the old life. It’s like when you see Mr. T, a man who hasn’t had a legitimate acting job in about 25 years, and he’s still shouting A-Team catchphrases for teenagers at comic book conventions and showing up to cut ribbons at car dealerships wearing enough gold to give Russell Oliver The Cashman an orgasm (local reference!)

Also, there’s the fact that the mysterious “Chinese venture” involved a plan to turn solid waste into energy, which is fantastic for a party known for turning shit into political energy.

Also funny: Rahim Jaffer got stripsearched by some two-bit Mayberry sheriff department deputy. I repeat, he got stripsearched, just like in the movies! Some underpaid government employee had to cup Rahim Jaffer’s naked balls in their latex-clad hands to search for cocaine, a man who just a couple of years ago held one of the highest positions in government power! Honestly, if your job was to stripsearch Rahim Jaffer, would you ever stop washing your hands again?

Also funny: the kingpin, Naz, had a hooker lady-friend he called his fiancee. That’s almost kinda sad! Y’see, the job of a hooker is to make you think she likes you, in much the same way a magician’s job is to make you believe he can make doves fly out of his ass on command. The Star, who we’ve previously noted deserve at least a million Pulitzers for this story, actually NAMES THE HOOKER INVOLVED! That’s right, the hooker who was partying with a former Member of Parliament is… JASMINE, from the high-class escort service Cachet Ladies! (Note: if you’re unsure of the difference between a hooker and an escort, an escort is generally a hooker that costs about a hundred bucks more. Other differences are negligable.) Here’s how she looks (NOTE: obviously NSFW, are you serious, it’s a hooker’s website, I’d put some sort of anti-virus condom over my entire computer before even clicking the link to prevent your computer from getting some gross screen-spread STD) in case you were wondering. Aw, Naz thinks he’s gonna marry this cute lady, despite the fact that I can currently pay $4,000 per day to have this blushing bride-to-be perform indescribably obscene sex acts on me!

Anyways, the gist of the Star’s point is that Rahim is getting off easy so he can snitch on all of his mob buddies, which is somehow more embarrassing than just taking the fall. You can tell that Rahim would be everyone’s bitch in jail. He can’t go in there, man. They’ll turn your Life Saver into Bubble Tape on the first night.

Rahim’s wife has since lost her job, in a strange form of shame that can surpass even the shame from this.

Happy Fucking Retirement From Politics to Canada’s sweethearts, Rahim and Helena!

[Story: Star]

Deleted scene from "Helena & Rahim Go To White Castle"

Former Conservative MP and husband of Helena “Happy Fucking Birthday” Guergis is reportedly recovering in the hospital, nursing lacerations to his lower hand after receiving a VICIOUS slap on the wrist from Ontario courts!

Jaffer, you’ll remember, was busted last year for plowing through a village with a 50 KM/h speed limits doing 93 clicks, being pulled over, being drunk, and for possessing some sort of magical white nose-candy. Drunk driving, possession of a narcotic, oh boy, this guy’s DONE! He’s headed for the big house! Send my regards to the guards at Kingston Pen, buddy! He- wait, what?

Oh right, he’s a famous politician! He got a careless driving charge and had to pay 500 bucks. Your courts hard at work!

Jaffer, a staunch anti-drug activist, somehow got the more-serious coke charges dropped. Either he successfully argued that he didn’t have possession (“Ossifer, I schwear, tha’ss not mai coke… *hic*”) or maybe the cops found it on an illegal search, which invalidates the charge. Or maybe he just snorted the whole baggy up right in front of the cops, and slurred “Where’z yer evidenthse nowwww, CSI: Palgrave, Ontario?” Or maybe he’s just a rich well-connected asshole and the rules don’t apply to him.

With Bill C-15 being pushed through, the bullshit mandatory drug-sentences law that the Tories love so much they stacked the Senate just to get it through, it looks like Rahim’s dealer’s gonna get a mandatory minimum year in jail. Rahim, of course, voted to support the bill in its earlier form when he was still in office.

“I’m sure you can recognize a break when you see one” the judge told Mr. Jaffer.

Did the court reporter note that the judge then gave an overdramatic “wink, wink” motion while rubbing his fingers together to signify “money”?

His lawyer, Howard Rubel said: “What Mr. Jaffer did was drive without paying attention to how fast he was going.”

He then failed to mention “Oh yeah, and he was totally shitfaced hammered, he was so drunk the cops could smell the booze on his breath, and, yeah, they also found a shitload of cocaine in the car, which my client occasionally enjoys in his nasal area. But really, the main charge here was speeding. The big silly goofball’s just a bit lead-footed on the gas, that’s all! Probably one of those fuckin’ Toyotas.”

Anyways, the real reason the charges were dropped is because Helena Guergis kicked down the courtroom doors halfway through proceedings, screaming like a banshee, jumped off the attorney’s desk and gave a flying elbow-drop to the bailiff while screaming “HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY”, before beating the crown attorney senseless with the gavel and threatening to bite the judge’s face until they arrived at the verdict of a reduced sentence.

[Story: Globe]

UPDATE: Liberal MP Anita Neville brought up Rahim Jaffer during Question Period today, and SHIT GOT REAL! Anita passive-aggressively baited the Tories into responding in some way to one of their own getting a slap on the wrist, after which the Tories demanded an apology, banged their desks and shook their jowls in blustery rage, and Neville was pretty much like, “What, I’m not apologizing, it’s not my fault Rahim Jaffer’s a corrupt cokehead”, which led to more shoutiness and the Speaker having to say “Order” no less than 19 times to shut ‘em up. That should be a new CPAC drinking game: drink when the Speaker calls for order! (Note: MapleRag is not responsible for your upcoming alcohol poisoning.)

Helena Guergis, Minister of State for Status of Women. Current Status of Women: "Crazy".

Sometimes our job’s too easy!

Background: Helena Guergis (pronounced Jore-Jis, in case you want to re-tell this story to your water-cooler buddies but don’t want to look silly saying Gur-Giss) is a former beauty pageant contestant with a community college certificate in Real Estate. She fell into the job of Conservative MP by running in a conservative Ontario riding and talkin’ about how much she hates them darn homos marryin’. She then fell into the job of Minister of State for the Status of Women by having an extra X-chromosome. She’s married to former Alberta Tory MP Rahim Jaffer, who’s currently under investigation for being a fan of the odd bit of cocaine now and then.

Also, she’s apparently nuts!

Let’s try to cobble together a rough timeline based on accounts of what happened:

> February 16, 2010, a day of infamy: Helena Guergis shows up at the Charlottetown airport on her way to Montreal.

> Sorry I’m late, I was busy not giving a shit: She shows up 10 minutes before her flight, which is slightly less than the 2 hours that Air Canada prefers. As Air Canada staff remind her that she’s late, Whitney HoustonHelena Guergis responds: “I don’t need to be lectured about flight time by you. I’ve been down here working my ass off for you people.”

> These boots were made for beepin’: Just gonna quote verbatim from the Canoe article here:

The Ontario MP’s boots set off the metal detector, so airport staff asked her to place them in a bin. She slammed them angrily into the provided bin and shouted, “Happy f–king birthday to me. I guess I’m stuck in this hellhole.” As the footwear cleared the X-ray conveyor [Guergis] then allegedly shouted at her aide to “Get those for me. I’m not walking around here in sock feet.”

> Summoning her Hulk-like strength…: Quoting from the Globe: “The source said she tried to push through a secured door despite it being closed. A security guard stopped her, according to the airport source, and she swore at them.”

> Honestly, out of every island you could disparage?: Then an anonymous source claimed she “spoke disparagingly of the island”. Whoa now! Don’t you know that our microscopic, red-dirted, potato-munchin’ Gilbert Blythe-fantasizing freak-province is the ONE ISLAND it’s not cool to disparage? She tries to deflect some heat in her press release by talking about how much she loves PEI and how it “demonstrates the best Canada has to offer”. Well that’s great. The best our country has to offer is apparently a 5-mile-wide chunk of dusty tourist traps where Japanese vacationers go to get their photos taken with red-pigtail wigs.

Anyways, Helena “Happy Fucking Birthday To Me” Guergis is officially a Great Canadian, and we hope that her erratic diva bullshit continues to be a bountiful source of website content.

At least this was just the Charlottetown Airport and not JFK or LAX, where this kind of shit gets your flight plans diverted to Gitmo. Maybe her husband can score some weed or some ’shrooms to help her calm down!

[Canoe: Tory MP sorry for airport tantrum]

[Globe: Helena Guergis apologizes for PEI airport meltdown]