Prime Minister Harper taking part in 90s-era festivities

OTTAWA (CP) – With apparent inspiration from the National Hockey League’s successful Heritage Classic and Winter Classic annual events featuring games played in outdoor settings with nostalgic vintage uniforms, noted hockey fan Prime Minister Stephen Harper has decided to implement a similar festive throwback event within the halls of the Canadian government.

Standing at a podium flanked by neon-green “REFORM in ‘97″ campaign sign, the Prime Minister spoke to the press in a drab, navy blazer with mismatched slacks and a gawdy Reform campaign button, a look reminiscent of the uniforms worn by his party in the 1990s. “Ladies and gentlemen, inspired by the rich nostalgia evoked by the National Hockey League’s commitment to its roots and heritage, I’d like to welcome you to Throwback Day on Parliament Hill,” the Prime Minister said before a pool of reporters.

Harper's throwback inspiration: the uniform the NHL's Calgary Flames will wear in their 2011 Heritage Classic match (not pictured: a wizard yelling "Ten points for Gryffindor!")

“We really thought it was time to get back to our roots in the 90s, to really reconnect with what politics was all about back then,” said a particularly pleased-looking Michael Ignatieff, wearing authentic period garb including a  “young-Tony-Blair-meets-young-Matthew-Perry” shaggy mullet wig, a red Nagano 1998 Roots poor-boy cap and a red Tommy Hilfiger polo shirt. “I’m really getting into this whole 90s thing. I’ve got my copy of the Red Book here signed by Paul Martin, I’ve got Our Lady Peace cranked on my Sony Walkman, I’m having a great time! You can’t stop the Big Red Machine!” said the Liberal leader from what appeared to be a reconstructed set from the 1990s CBC teen current affairs series Jonovision.

“I’ve carefully studied my character based on historical documents from the time period, and today I’m portraying a man named Joe Clark,” said Tony Clement, donning a plain blue one-button suit with a “PC in ‘93″ campaign button. “From what we know about him, he was the leader of an obscure party oxymoronically called Progressive Conservatives, and using some VHS tapes I borrowed from the Canadian Museum of Civilization I’m trying to live life the way historians believe he might have lived.” Staying in character, he then mumbled incoherently about Quebecers with his jowels trembling in outrage.

“This whole throwback shit’s starting to be kind of a pain,” said one NDP aide on conditions of anonymity. “I asked Mr. Layton if he wanted to reschedule an appearance on George Stroumboulopoulos’ show, and it’s like he honestly believed we were back in the 90s - he said that he had no reason to appear on some MuchMusic VJ’s heavy-metal clip show. Then he mumbled something about a meeting with ‘Alexa’ and wandered off.”

Gilles Duceppe, playing the role of Lucien Bouchard, spent the entire day pacing back and forth across Parliament scowling and wearing a combed-over toupée. When asked if we was enjoying the throwback day, the unsmiling Mr. Duceppe scoffed, yelled “VOTEZ ‘OUI‘ EN ‘95!” and punched the reporter in the stomach.

Question Period featured a spirited debate, with Ignatieff’s Liberals on the government side of the aisle fielding questions about the Clarity Act and repealing the GST, Harper’s Reform Party complaining about Eastern Canada favouritism while John Baird struggled to reach Twitter from a 90s-era clunky cellphone the size of a shoebox, and a wetsuit-wearing Stockwell Day complaining that a recent Liberal proposal “was so absurd, it was like something out of a Royal Canadian Air Farce episode. Or Double Exposure.”

At one point Stephen Harper rose to go on a ten-minute rant about the Liberals’ sponsorship scandal, although it was unclear whether he was still acting in character as someone from ten years ago, or speaking in the present.

Hey look alright, who's the handsome feller in pink, but hey, Robby Fordo, LOOK AT 'IM, WHO ATE RON MACLEAN! ANYhow.

ANYHOW. LOOK. Unless you’re a commie pinko left-wing latte-suckin’ Star-readin’ visor-wearin’ Ovechkin-lovin’ Stalinist FRENCHMAN, you know that I’m Donald S. Cherry, NHL COACH OF THE YEAR 1976!, Bobby Orr, BOSTON Bruins, old-time hockey, boy, I tell ya I remember Stan Mikita once he says to me, he says – but look, alright.

How’re we doing for time? We good for time? We gonna play the clip? Alright.

Now look. I’m here to inaugurate a great Canadian as mayor of Toronto, ladies and gentleman, look over here at Mister Rob Ford, ain’t he a beaut! Looks like a young Turk Broda! Beauty! GOOD MANITOBA BOY, Turk – but look, anyhow, I’m here bein’ all Mister Political, gettin’ involved with the politics, ain’t that right, and the whole deal, just like that, right. And I ain’t one of those pansy politically-correct visor-huggin’ head-down-over-the-blue-line Marxist-Leninist queer-types who’s gonna tell you to save the whales by buyin’ organic NDP rainbow frappucinos, look, I’m a good ol’ KINGSTON boy, and I’m gonna say what I feel needs to be said right here and right now, ok, boy! Canadian military! Princess Pats infantry regiment. How’re we doin’ for time?

Yeah, alright, look, all you fancy-boy limp-wristed pinkos whinin’ about a guy like me, a good ol’ Kingston boy world’s greatest hockey mind, gettin’ involved in your sissy girl Frenchman world of the politics and whatnot, but look – hey – I’m a reasonable gentleman with well-informed opinions and whatnot. See with the, and, Dion Phaneuf, Boston Bruins, 1976, Canadian Army, Bobby Orr, Kingston Boys, Hey kids!, see, whenyerinthecornerslook at this, uhhh… we got the. Right. Where’s the- Huh? Jeez. What. Ok! Alright! Here we go – Rob Ford! Toronto Maple Leafs, mayor.

We good for time?

Rob Ford’s gonna be a great mayor. He reminds me of the old-time hockey. Hap Day. Eddie Shore. Dion Phaneuf. Kandahar. Rob Ford. If Rob Ford ain’t the best mayor this city o’ Toronto ain’t ever had, I’m unworthy of the 15 minutes of TV air time I get every 7 days which somehow make me an important social commentator. Did I mention how hard those boys in Afghanistan are workin’? Look at this one, looks like a young Wade Belak. God bless ‘im.

Look, hey, alright, hey, OK, so look, kids: hey, alright, you know, look: Boston Bruins, and hey, y'know, look: alright!

That ain’t the right clip. Play the right clip. Alright. There we go. LOOK AT THIS KIDS, you DON’T. EVER. PUT. YOUR. HEAD. DOWN. EVER. You’ll get bent over more than a visor-wearing Frenchman at a pinko communist George Smitherman party with PK Subban and Alex Ovechkin reading communist poetry about limp-wristed pinko lefty Europeans. I mean come on, kids. KIDS! Army. KIDS!

Yeah, I had a couple rye n’ gingers, whatta you pinkos care.

Good for time? 5 minutes?

Look, I’m here cheerin’ for Rob Ford cuz he fights against all the tax-wastin’ lefty commie Kim Jong-Il visor pinko European cross-dressing latte-chugging Montreal Canadiens organic bisexual French – holy Jeez, started gettin’ dizzy there folks, with all that, and such, alriiiight. Ok. Gosh, stop wavin’ me for time, I know, I know. I just gotta say one more thing.

Rob Ford. Mayor o’ Toronto. All the lefties in here [Read: Most of Toronto - Ed.], you all pinko crossdressin’ socialismist folks sayin’, oooh, ohhh, Don, you can’t say that. You can’t be supportin’ a guy like Rob Ford. And I says, ya know what? CANADIAN MILITARY. And y’know what else? BOSTON BRUINS. I mean, ROB FORD. Mayor. Canada. That’s my boy, alriiiight.

Alright, one last thing,

Bobby Orr.

Kandahar Forward Operating Base.

Rob Ford.

Communists.

Seeya next week.

Alright.

• > CROSBY CROSBY HOCKEY HOCKEY SWITZERLAND GOAL WIN SHOOTOUT CANADA CROSBY CROSBY 87 CROSBY. This is what most Canadians are currently discussing – most of them very drunk – so we’ll stick with that theme for every other bullet point.

• > Both are also carbon-based, and belong to the scientific class of “mammalian”: Hey, remember Ross Rebagliati? He’s that guy who smoked a ton of weed, then won us a gold medal in the 90s, then lost his medal, then got it back because for God’s sake, he’s a snowboarder, you IOC narcs. Anyways, he’s now a Liberal candidate in BC, and as a Godless bong-toking Monarchy-hating hippie, he’s also a favourite punching back of Tories. Also, Tories like making HIGH-LARIOUS puns about how Rebagliati is always high. Anyways, Jane Taber’s pooped out a bunch of words about how Ignatieff and Rebagliati are basically the same person. Irrefutable proof: both spent time outside of Canada, and both are hip with young people. These two vague descriptions could also describe about a million people other than Iggy and Rebaggy (another similarity: hard-to-spell names!). Justin Bieber is another person who has both travelled outside the country and is liked by young people, so we suggest the Liberals run him as a candidate in the riding of Toronto-Twitter.

• > SIDNEY CROSBY EATS SWISS CHEESE FOR BREAKFAST, AND SHITS EXCELLENCE.

• > The rumours of his death are greatly exaggerated: Gordon Lightfoot’s not dead, stop twittering it! Lightfoot now joins the illustrious ranks of other celebrities who were rumoured to be dead, like Margaret Thatcher, William Hung, Steve from Blue’s Clues, Britney Spears and Abe Vigoda. (As an aside, I’d give any organ in my body to be in a room with all of those people at once playing Twister.) Anyways, Lightfoot’s alive, so let’s all go to the bar and get more wrecked than the Edmund Fitzgerald.

• > SIDNEY CROSBY COULD WIN EVERY GOLD MEDAL IN THE OLYMPICS IF HE TRIED, BUT HE DOESN’T BECAUSE HE’S A REALLY NICE GUY. SIDNEY CROSBY COULD WIN THE MEN’S FIGURE SKATING GOLD BY STANDING PERFECTLY STILL AT CENTRE ICE AND STARING AT THE JUDGES UNTIL THEY CAVED IN.

• > Competition tighter than Charles Hamelin’s speedskating suit: Everyone’s pretty much forgotten about this silly “politics” thing recently, what with the much more exciting and attractive people competing in an obscure regional sporting event called the “Olympics”. Anyways, the Grits and Tories are just about statistically tied in the latest polls. The NDP trails with 16.5% of voters, with the Greens and Blocs hovering around 10%.

• > SIDNEY “THE SIDNEY CROSBY” CROSBY SHOOTS LIKE A SNIPER, MOVES LIKE A BALLERINA, LAYS DOWN MORE CHECKS THAN BOBBY FISCHER AND HAS MORE FINISHING MOVES THAN SUB-ZERO IN MORTAL KOMBAT.

• > And then there’s this: we remarked yesterday that Swiss curling skip Mirjam Ott and US Snowboarder Shaun White look pretty much identical. After the jump, WE’VE CREATED PROOF!

Why must we resort to fighting? Can't we just... dance our differences away?

Georges Laraque is a man born with such God-given badassery that he says “Good luck, man” before casually deciding to enter into a bare-knuckle face-punching contest with a loose acquaintance.

He’s also a vegan who, in semi-retirement, is putting his heft behind the Green Party.

BGL will probably be using his star power in Quebec, where he’s still enough of a big name to star in softcore porn-influenced commercials for alcoholic high-caffeine heart-attacks-in-a-can (here’s the link, in case you enjoy watching videos of sweaty French girls in bikinis play ball hockey, but are afraid to enter those terms into Google on the same computer your girlfriend uses.) Laraque has recently been associated with a shabby, disreputable gang of thugs operating out of Montreal calling themselves the Canadiens, but luckily he’s severed ties with this gang of lowly, widely-reviled trash. (Save the snarky comment, you’ve got nothing on me – my Leafs suck, and at least I know it.) He’ll now be focusing his talents (face-punching, etc.) towards a loosely-associated group of environment-nuts, rebellious teenagers and social Conservatives called the Green Party. It’s debatable whether Conservative Westerners should hold more contempt for him as a Montreal Canadien, as a Green Party spokesman, or as a black guy.

Now, let’s untangle the political connotations. Laraque’s a hockey goon, which is something of an anachronism in the field of modern sports: a man whose entire job is to commit common assault in exchange for millions of dollars, something akin to a mafia hit-man. The hockey goon appeals to the kind of knuckle-dragging, dart-hacking, beef-jerky-chewin’ good ol’ boy whose entire wardrobe consists of t-shirts they’ve gotten from 24-packs of Labatt Blue. And then you’ve got the Green Party, who love animals, the environment, and general topics that our aforementioned good ol’ boy would consider “some kinda queer stuff.” All of this, including a possible run for office by Georges in the future, will be playing itself out in Quebec – an already politically confused climate where the Bloc fights for the good-ol’-habitant vote, pockets of Grits and Tories aim for the masses, the NDP awkwardly fits itself into the fray, and the Greens have a motley crew of lefties and righties telling people to try vegan poutine.

OVERALL CONSEQUENCES: Nothing. You’ll never hear from this story again, Georges probably won’t run for office, but for 15 minutes during a prorogued parliament it was fun for political beat-writers to crank out articles about how a tough hockey guy was joining a bunch of wimpy hippies. Oh, the humourous juxtaposition!

[Source: G&M]

GM Brian Burke announcing the departure of Tony Clement to the US Congress at a joint press conference

In a move designed to “shake up” the stagnant world of the Canadian parliament, Toronto Maple Leafs General Manager Brian Burke announced a blockbuster trade deal today to send Parliament stars Tony Clement and Martha Hall Findlay to the United States Congress in exchange for prospects Congresswoman Stephanie Herseth Sandlin (D-ND), Congressman Jim Jordan (R-OH), and a second-round draft pick.

“We’re really looking to rebuild and inject some new talent. I’m not afraid to shake things up. The media probably thought a guy like Clement wasn’t moveable, being Minister of Industry and all. Y’know what? Titles don’t mean jack to me”, the outspoken Burke told a media huddle outside of Parliament. “From what I’ve seen from Sandlin and Jordan, they’ve got the kind of grit, tenacity and hustle that I like in a government representative. Sure, people will question my moves, but let me tell you, this group of MP’s needed a wake-up call.”

Tony Clement, now serving as a freshman congressman representing Ohio’s 4th Congressional District, said the move came as a shock. “I really didn’t think I was going anywhere, I had time left on my contract with Parliament and I was a Cabinet Minister and all, but look, that’s the past. I’m looking forward to working with Congress, they’re a great organization with some great players, and I look forward to playing on the Ohio Delegation line with guys like [John] Boehner and Kucy [Dennis Kucinich].”

“Look, it’s a real loss to lose Tony and Martha, but that’s just the dynamics of the market,” said current Parliament captain Stephen Harper. “I’m looking forward to playing with Sandlin and Jordan, they’re both classy, gritty players with a ton of potential who can work the corners in a legislative session and won’t be afraid to throw the gloves down in Question Period.”

Stephanie Herseth Sandlin, a 5′6″, 39-year-old out of Aberdeen, South Dakota who will now be the Member of Parliament for the Toronto riding of Willowdale, said she was looking forward to playing with Parliament. “I’ve been learning about the franchise, the history, y’know, checking out the Wikipedia page about Canadian government ever since I heard about the trade”, she told reporters. “It seems like there’s a lot of shouting, so, I’m looking forward to that. Also, why the hell’s my new office locked? Anyone know what the hell ‘prorogue’ means?”

“I think both organizations can benefit from this trade. Congress is picking up a couple of seasoned veterans as they gear for a healthcare-playoff push, and Parliament’s getting some great prospects as they work on rebuilding,” Burke added. Asked if he was considering more trade moves, possibly with European parliamentary bodies, Burke said he “didn’t want any of those pantywaist Euro crybabies prancing around.”