Pictured: Canadian officials court the vote of international delegates at the United Nations (Image Credit: Reuters, New York City)

Boy, sure has been a pretty depressing failure of a week for Canada’s international image, huh? Without even getting into the public tongue-wagging from the UAE (Hey, “Camp Mirage”, there’s a top-secret base name that won’t arouse any suspicion), let’s get into our symbolic depantsing at the United Nations and our symbolic wet willy-ing in Delhi:

INSECURITY COUNCIL

Every few years, the high-school popularity contest that is the United Nations runs an election for student council. The Jock (USA), the Bully (Russia), the Teacher’s Pet (UK), the Arts Dweeb (France) and the Nerd (China) all get permanent membership on student council. But for the remaining spots, kids have to give out homemade election pins at recess and sell cupcakes at the PTA bakesale to be among the elite group of gossipy popular kids who, uh… decide who gets nuked. We promised that this year, we’d make student council and prove everyone wrong. We got proven wrong. The Grade 8 kids didn’t vote for us, and someone on the Football team spread a rumour that we had cooties, or something. The world’s most prestigious arbitrary popularity contest had left its mark: we were uncool.

WHAT THE EXPERTS THINK: The eggheads quickly got to work and narrowed down the causes for our embarrassing defeat: for starters, we supported Israel, which really put the kibosh on the whole Arab vote. We fuckin’ love oil, and the drilling thereof, which soured the European hippies. We diverted aid from Africa to Latin America, which nixed the African vote. Basically, the kind of post mortem you’d expect from any high school popularity contest: we didn’t kiss up to the right cliques. Opinion was also mixed between people who saw this as tarnishing Canada’s image (and specifically Harper’s), and others who thought the Security Council wasn’t really a big friggin’ deal to begin with (let alone to Harper.)

WHAT THE GOVERNMENT THINKS: The Conservative government blamed the defeat on… really? Who the fuck else. Blame-assigning is basically like playing “Seven Degress of Kevin Bacon”, except the end target is always Michael Ignatieff. Here, I’ll try:

So Brett Favre’s having a bad season… which is blamed on inaccurate passing… which is blamed on the invention of the forward pass in football at Yale University near the turn of the century… Yale’s need to develop the forward pass is blamed on the running style of their rivals, Harvard… Harvard isn’t good at sports because they spend too much on overpaid tenured professors… like MICHAEL IGNATIEFF. Leave Brett Favre alone, Iggy.

This is roughly as direct of a correlation as “My country’s failure to secure a UN Security Council position is the direct fault of the Leader of the Opposition who had literally no input on the voting procedures and had no visible presence to the voting members.”

WHAT WE THINK: Much like at any prestigious international event – the Teen Choice Awards, the Latin Grammys, etc. – delegates were given gift bags by each of the competitors to display their wears. Canada’s gift to the world’s heads of state? Maple syrup. Fucking maple syrup. When will Canadians admit that maple syrup, although iconic, is a sickeningly-sweet concoction of brown tree-slime with very few practical applications in world cuisine? Why do all of our gift shops have entire sections dedicated to maple syrup, as if there’s a community of sugar-goop enthusiasts in the world travelling to Canada to stock up? Next time, give them a Blackberry if you’re going to bribe ‘em.

COMMONWEALTH LAMES

One of the most prestigious and most-watched international sporting competitions in the world – behind only the Summer Olympics, Winter Olympics, World Cup, Paralympics, Pan-Am Games, Goodwill Games, World Track&Field Championships, World Baseball Classic, and a variety of regional billiards, curling and junior luge tournaments – is the Commonwealth Games, a once-in-a-while celebration of the horrible colonial oppression of the British. The British Commonwealth once ruled half the world’s landmass through slavery, ethnic cleansing and a systematic dismantling of native languages, beliefs and culture – and is now celebrated by a chance for rich white people to continue beating poor brown people, this time at rhythmic gymnastics and the three-metre pairs springboard.

Canada came a disappointing fourth in medals, ending a long streak of finishing top-three along with the other rich white people in the event, the English and Australians. This time, we were knocked off the podium by the emerging powerhouse India, who also played host to the game – that is, if you’re the kind of host who gives your guests shit-covered beds and dengue fever.

Canada finished a dismal 6th place in the 50-Man Spontaneous Dance event

WHY WE LOST:

Because India, born a lowly chai-wallah in the slums, used all of its life experience to shine on the world stage and win the big prize – now, everybody dance! Jai hoooo!

WHY WE REALLY LOST: Look at these sports! One of them, Kabaddi – I shit you not – is, from what I can tell, a game of full-contact Red Rover where you have to hold your breath the whole time. I was watching the coverage once (because the bunny ears on my TV can only pick up CBC, God help me) and it was disabled swimming – which is counted as a full-status, regular medal event, which is nice - but I don’t think all the countries got the memo on how disabled was “disabled”, because there was one guy WITH NO LEGS competing in the same race against a guy with a CLUB FOOT at the 100M freestyle – how in the fuck is that fair? (Sure, the guy with the club foot was the Canadian, and he won Gold by about half a pool-length, but still.)

We came out disappointed because there’s no Winter Commonwealth Games. Yeah Australia, think you’re hot shit? Let’s see how your curling team plays. Hey Kenya, you like marathons? Try biathlons, they’re marathons on skis, with guns. Hey Trinidad & Tobago, let’s see you Trinidad & Toboggan down this bobsled run. Hey UAE, how about you… I’m sorry, you what?

Dicks.

TONY: Hello my fellow Canadians, I’m Tony Clement, MP for Parry Sound-Muskoka, Minister of Industry, as well as my newly-appointed title, Minister of Twitter.

[Tony grabs a Blackberry from his pocket and begins furiously tapping, cut to view of Tweet:]

TonyClement: Doin thing 4 @MapleRag blog tlking abt census. (almost cool as Arcade Fire, am i hip or what young voters??) #roft Shoutout 2: @JustinBieber”]

TONY: Look at that, 140 characters on the dot, no sweat. That’s why I’m the Minister of Twitter, baby. John Baird couldn’t tweet his way out of a paper bag. Stockwell Day still thinks MySpace is cool, for God’s sake. Anywho, I’m here to talk to you about the census. Now, a lot of people are saying a lot of wacky things about our scrapping of the long-form census, and whether this will affect our government’s ability to silently track all of you for secretive means. Rest assured, my friends: your worries have been answered. 

[Tony slides into his desk chair and picks up his phone] 

TONY: Over the next few weeks, I, Tony Clement, will single-handedly perform the Canadian Census. That’s right, by working day and night, calling every single Canadian citizen and performing the census over the phone with them, I plan on single-handedly saving Canadian taxpayers millions of dollars while ensuring an uninterrupted stream of high quality statistical data. Expect a call soon from me, Tony Clement! 

[Cut to Tony a few hours later, looking frustrated and hunched over his desk talking to a woman on the phone with a thick Newfoundland accent] 

TONY: Alriiiight… *loud yawn*… question 47 part B, how would you describe your ethnic background?

CALLER: Well y’see, ‘at’s a funny question ‘den, me mother – her name was Rose, see – she had th’full Irish blood at a boil, b’y I tells ya, and her father - now, his name was Bob see, a mountain of a Frenchman, kinda like me great-uncle, but I got a second ‘er third cousin, Clarence, an’ sweet jumpin’ Virgin Mary the b’y’s a half-Pole, half-Scotsman, I also got a bit o’ Lithuanian or Romanian, some kinda -anian y’know, from me great-half-aunt Betsy, she had this dog – Littlest Hobo-lookin’ mutt that would chase gophers, an’-…

TONY: [groggily puts the phone down on the desk as the woman continues to chatter] Uuuuggghhhh… good Lord, I’ll just go ahead and mark everyone in Newfoundland as “Other” for this question [drags his mouse down the spreadsheet] 

[Cut to a time a few days in the future - the office is a mess and Tony appears exhausted and miserable with growing facial stubble] 

TONY: Hello sir, I’m with the Canadian government and I’m performing the Canadian Census, let’s get this over with, could I have your last name followed by your first name? 

CALLER: Ignatieff, Michael. 

TONY: *cough* Uh, oh… hey there… 

CALLER: Tony? Tony, is that you? Why the heck are you calling me? I was in the middle of reading ancient Greek poetry translated into Esperanto while my wife played the lute. 

TONY: [deep voice] Um, uh, no sir, I am not this Tony you speak of, my name is… Boney… Clementine. So then, uh, Mr. Ignatieff, [smirk] our next question, what is your primary residence? 

CALLER: Ottawa, Ontario. 

TONY: Right, I’m just gonna put you down for “Foreign resident”… make a note here on the account that you’re an American, and that I don’t know who the real Michael Ignatieff is… [types at his keyboard while excitedly smiling] 

CALLER: Now hold on just one min- 

TONY: Gonna put part French, part American, and also that you’re bisexual. And unemployed. 

CALLER: You look right here- 

TONY: Sorry sir, just filling out all of the information that you’re telling me about your criminal record… I’m sorry, you served how many years of that sentence? Don’t worry sir, this information will only be used for publicly-available information databases and a few mail-outs. 

CALLER: Tony, I swear- 

TONY: Aaaaand, that’s all I need, thank you for participating in the Canadian Census, Mister Iggy! [smacks phone down while giggling like a schoolgirl] 

[Cut to a late night, as Tony is leaning back in his chair with a smile, his tie undone, smiling broadly] 

TONY: Alright, question 59 part C section 1A… hey, y’know what Linda? We’re only halfway through this census and I feel like I know you so well. I mean, you’re single, a school teacher, you’re half-French, you like action movies and the Guess Who, you’re a Habs fan, we have the same birthday… 

CALLER: Gosh, I know! I’m so glad we got this chance to talk! 

TONY: You’re just so great, Linda. [blushes] 

CALLER: Aw, thanks Tony! I can’t believe we’ve been talking for a whole hour now! So what’s the next questions? 

TONY: Well, it’s uh, [clears throat] Uhhmmm… question 59-C, what are you wearing? 

CALLER: Really? That’s the question on the form? 

TONY: Yes ma’am, uh, standard census question, y’know, tracking… clothes… of Canadians. Well? [leans forward and taps fingers on desk excitedly]

CALLER: Well, I’ve got on a cute little tank top…

TONY: Yeah? [cocks eyebrow]

CALLER: And some jeans, long-johns, a hoodie, a scarf…

TONY: [disappointed] Uh… huh…

CALLER: A tuque, a down jacket, fur boots-

TONY: Where the hell do you live, it’s like, 25 degrees outside

CALLER: I told you, I’m from Nunavut.

TONY: That’s a real place?! I thought you were just saying you’d have “none-of-it” with my flirting.

CALLER: Wait, aren’t you Tony Clement, that politician guys who looks like a cross between Milhouse from the Simpsons and Bert from Sesame Street?

TONY: Alright, look lady, I’m just gonna go ahead and mark the rest of your account as “did not complete census due to being crazy”. And I lied, purple isn’t my favourite colour too, and “favourite colour” wasn’t even a real census question!

CALLER: Fine Tony, I’ll take back my Facebook friend request!

TONY: Too late Linda, I already accepted and sent you a poke! [angrily hangs up phone, and dials the next number on the list]

TONY: Hello sir I’m calling with the-…

[FADE TO BLACK as studio audience applauds]

Did you know that eagles don't have tear ducts? For more information on the bald eagle, contact Hinterland Who's Who's in Ottawa.

September 11th was this past weekend, and unless you sell commemorative airbrushed XXL t-shirts with balds eagle crying American-flag-patterned tears or are Glenn Beck planning another one of your stupid shouty circlejerks for fat old idiots, 9/11 is kind of a shitty, awkward day. I just wish they would skip it and go straight from September 10th to the 12th, like they do with the 13th floor in buildings.

How did our politicians spend the week of 9/11? By accusing each other of secretly being evil Americans! Hey, remember on September 11th – like, the one in 2001, not the date that happens every year – when Americans initially blamed Canada for letting all those terrorists into their country, which we didn’t? In order to show the world that the mistakes of 9/11 will not be commited again, instead of Americans accusing evildoers of having Canadian ties, here are a bunch of stories about Canadians who are accused of having ties to evildoing Americans:

• >> CBC: “The Americans are coming!” CBC opened up a can of worms – a perfectly good can, which in a free world could be lined up and shot with unregistered rifles – with a report on how the NRA, a loose collection of rednecks, weirdos and the late ape-lover Charlton Heston that somehow became a hugely powerful multi-million-dollar lobbying empire, has been meddling in Canadian politics for years. The Tories later responded that the CBC was full of shit. Which leads to:

• >> Liberals to Harper: “Stop being American.” Grit House leader David McGuinty gets into the act, calling out the Conservatives for trying to pound away at divisive wedge issues like the long gun registry just to polarize voters. You know who ELSE used polarizing wedge issues? That’s right, HITL-… I mean, REPUBLICANS. McGuinty, having successfully made his point that Stephen Harper- a politician – used basic political tactics, then ended by slamming down his fists and shouting: “Your honour, given this evidence, I present to the jury that Stephen Harper IS IN FACT the lost bastard son of George Bush and Sarah Palin, I REST MY CASE.”

• >> Conservatives to Ignatieff: “Am not, you are!” Pierre Poilievre, stand-up comedian to the Prime Minister, responded to these charges of his party’s Americanness: “Well like, it takes one to know one, and like, Michael Ignatieff’s the only one hear acting all American, maybe because he like, LIVED IN AMERICA.” At this point Poilievre made an “L” sign with his fingers while mouthing  the word “Loserrrrr.”

• >> MOSQUETARD SIGHTING! This one doesn’t involve a politician, but a Canadian journalist getting involved in the newest incarnation of American failure-groups such as Truthers, Birthers and Teabaggers - a real-life Mosquetard! Except this article isn’t even in the Sun, or in the confused ramblings of an old racist drunk writing on his McDonald’s wrapper – it’s in the somewhat readable Ottawa Citizen! Resident sweaty idiot David Warren farted out a bunch of words about how Herp-Dee-Derp, Dem Muzlins Are Buildin’ A Mosk On The 9/11 Hole STOPTEHMOSK!!1! New twist: this wordy Warren jackass dances around the fact that he thinks building a harmless cultural community centre among hundreds of other religious centres in a massive, multicultural city, is WORSE THAN this moron in Florida who keeps threatening to burn korans. It’s one thing to have ties to the NRA, but David Warren, your ties to the Mosquetard movement are inexcusable.

Your next Prime Minister, JACKEL LAYTIEFF!

The talk of Ottawa lately has been the tale of two star-crossed lovers, born to separate warring factions – a classic story of intrigue, conflict and bromance. What if the Armies of Orange, led by their resurgent mustachioed general, could put aside their weapons of battle and find common ground with their foe of generations past, the Empire of the Red L, and form an unholy bond forged by the very fires of Hades… and perhaps… find love?

No. No. It’s not going to happen.

There’ve been a number of columnists seemingly pressed for deadlines lately who’ve engaged in a bit of speculative fan-fiction about a centre-left merger in Canadian politics, perhaps as the only way to take down Harper. Not to mention that last week no less a character than Jean Chretien told the CBC that if a merger were do-able, the Liberals should do it. Iggy himself, for his part, has done his best to avoid comment – but has still made the flirty comment that a Liberal-NDP alliance government would be “legitimate”. With the Liberals just trying to tread water at this point and the NDP, despite their impressive barking, still being a small dog in this fight, a LibDP merger is the only way some people can get their calculators to add up to a majority government. Of course, the precedent for an unholy political alliance is fresh in the public’s memory after newly-minted Prime Minister David Cameron’s wheelings and dealings on Merry Olde Knifecrime Island.

So, who would win out if the Liberals were to form an unlikely (read: impossible) alliance with the NDP?

Well, the first winner would be dumb people! Take this Sun columnist – pretty much all Suns are the same drivel, the city isn’t important – who seems to be just itching to say “Heh, yeah, let those dirty commie bastards merge with those rotten Fiberals, eh-heh-heh, then we can tar them as the Marxists they are while diminishing the influence of those Goddamn poutine-sucking seperatist frogs!” Conservatives love the idea of a Liberal-NDP merger, because they see it as a step backwards for the Big Red Machine. Their unstoppable rival for over a century, now forced into taking on the baggage brought on-board by a motley crew of socialist hippies? Talk about Tory talking points!

The Liberals themselves had something of a similar fortunate windfall back in the 2004 election. With the newly-merged Conservative Party ready to take a serious crack at Martin, the Liberals were given ample munition in trying to turn off centrist voters by reminding them this wasn’t their daddy’s Progressive Conservatives anymore, this was the Refooooorm Party they’d be voting for. That’s a real anecdote, by the way – back in 2004 Liberal phone-jockies would call you up, and if you said you were voting Conservative, their scripted response was “You mean, you’re voting Reform?”

Aside from the bountiful Conservative talking points that a united left would provide, who else would benefit? Well… the Conservatives would benefit again, since all this merger talk makes the Liberals look weak. (Hey, how many times do I get to link-drop the Saskatoon Star Phoenix?)

Alright, what else would result from a Liberal-NDP merger? Uh, you, douchebag in the corner, I believe you had your hand up… sorry, did you just say this is exactly like the Slap Chop commercial? What? No. You don’t understand how metaphors work. You’re not allowed to talk anymore.

Alright, but the NDP are all on-board the idea of actually forming a government, right? No? They’re skeptical of the deal, and so are the Bloc? Oh.

So… what you’re saying is, the Liberals would look weak, the NDP don’t think it’ll happen, and the Conservatives would be the big winners?

But hey, it could still happen, right?

[SECOND SPOILER ALERT: No, it still really, really won't happen.]

Gettin' Iggy with it

As I type this, Your Honourable Leader of the Opposition His Iggyness is engaged in an online live chat! Not with the media, or a newspaper… with a Facebook group! Oh God, the political parties are becoming aware of “The Internet”! Soon it’s gonna be all, Facebook Michael Ignatieff’s Twitters On Youtube To Blog A Flickr Vlog About Social Media Network 2.0! This is all your fault, Twenty-Somethings Of Canada, for teaching your parents how to use the internet.

This whole “Canadians Against Proroguing Parliament” Facebook group has swelled to ridiculous proportions, numbering 200,000+ people (well… people, Facebook accounts of peoples’ cats, and spambots combined) at last count! The whole movement’s been grassroots – volunteer organizers, grassroots protests, unshaven bloggers ranting about the new world order – and like any rapidly-growing grassroots movement, it presents a perfect chance for a major political party to jump onboard and claim ownership! (For more, see: “Teabaggers, Republican asskissing of“) In this case, Iggy wrote a whole letter the other day to everyone in this group, showering them with praise for the noble dedication it took to… click “Accept” on the Group request they got from their crazy uncle. (Damn, can’t you remember the foregone days when Facebook was a quiet, low-tech network for University students to keep in touch? But I digress.)

Today, from 3 to 4 PM (the live chat’s ending as I type now, OH NO!) Iggy fielded all kinds of softballs from group members in an online chat! Actually, softballs is putting it a bit too harshly, this is more like Iggy was playing T-ball, the balls were already lined up for him on the tee, and there was no one in the outfield to try and make a catch.

They posted two photos of Iggy sitting at his impressively massive monitor just to prove that it was him, and not one of the thousands of clever Michael Ignatieff Impersonators roaming the streets of Ottawa.

Top: Iggy looking like a bored dweeb. Bottom: They needed 7 staff members, advisors and moderators, plus a photographer in the room, just to organize a FREAKIN' ONE-HOUR ONLINE CHAT? Your Liberal Party, ladies and gents.

Damnit, I should’ve asked Iggy if that chick who looks kinda cute from behind was single.

RECAP!

An early question from one “Brent Nellis”:

Mister Ignatieff, I will be finishing a degree in sociology next year and I am currently interested in pursuing graduate studies or working for Statistics Canada. However, the open disdain that the Conservatives have shown for science and research in the past is making me nervous about meaningful career opportunities in Canada.

Hey, maybe your SOCIOLOGY DEGREE should be making you nervous about meaningful career opportunities. HAH. Sociology, folks! Yeah, lemme just check if they’re hiring down at the Sociology Factory. (Iggy’s answer, predictably, was “We gotta invest in science, fuck Harper, he hates science”)

In response to a question about how to cope with rising tuition costs for post-secondary education:

Michael Ignatieff: You get the grades, you get to go. That needs to be our motto for higher education in Canada.

Wait, uh… bwuuhhh? So, if you have the minimum grades in high school, you get free tuition? Or… you’re doing away with programs that traditionally assist students who may not have the grades but who are accepted based on other scholarships/programs? And how does this address tuition costs rising? See, here’s a classic example of an answer that sounds catchy (Ya get the GRADES, ya get to GO! Bumperstick it, pal!) but that just bewilders anyone who tries to use it as a real answer to the question “What’re you gonna do about tuition costs”.

In response to your typical “Why don’t you like, totally just like, leeeegalize it, maaaan” questions that always comes up in these forums:

Michael Ignatieff: Liberals dont want to ruin young lives with penalties for possession, but equally we want tough penalties to remain for pushers.

Jeez, what’s not to understand? Marijuana is completely harmless, except for people you provide it, who are sub-human scum. How does this not make sense to you people? It’s all in the Liberals’ new action plan, The Green Book.

Oh hey, here’s an actual question! Someone asked about Layton pushing for anti-prorogation legislation, and hey, what’s the deal with that, Iggy?

Michael Ignatieff: Provided a Prime Minister respects Parliament and its authority, legislation isnt needed. Mr. Harper used prorogation to duck a confidence vote and to evade tough questions in the House. That;s wrong. Ive already pledged not to use prorogation that way. The problem is not the power itself, so much as its abuse. Mr. Harper has abused his power.

First of all, is there something wrong with the punctuation buttons on Iggy’s keyboard? He’s not using any apostrophes in any of the comments he wrote. He either skips them or subs in a semicolon or, more oddly, a colon. In the Leader of the Opposition’s defense, apostrophes are tricky since they’re marked as quotation marks on the keyboard, but you’d think one of the 23 staffers in the room could help him out. ANYWAYS. I think Iggy’s doing a good job of carving himself a nice middle ground here. He’s not chomping at the bit like the NDP’s trying to legislate against the concept of non-legislation, but he’s still saying a quiet “Fuck Harper”. Smooth, not ruffling any feathers. Just watchin’ those Liberal approval points keep ticking up by playing it quiet.

After they posted the first picture (seen above) in the chat, here’s the dialogue that ensued:

Michael Ignatieff: God I look terrible. Who took this picture?

[Comment From Corina Ganton]

Looking good Michael.  :)

[Comment From Maisoon Hanany]

you look fine

[Comment From Will Mooney]

Would you advocate a return to 7% on the GST in order to help trim the deficit?

Michael Ignatieff: Stephen Harper put us in deficit before the recession hit.

Michael Ignatieff: The Harper government has already announced they are raising taxes with a hefty hike to payroll taxes beginning in 2011. We think this will be a job killer.

Michael Ignatieff: As a great writer once said, rules are for people with no character. Meaning, that you need to legislate when you cant trust the people who hold power. My view is that we dont need to legislate limits on prorogation. We just need to return to the basic understanding that used to limit prerogative power, namely that you dont use it to duck tough questions in parliament and you dont use it to duck a confidence vote. harper used it this way and it was wrong, and Canadians are telling him dont ever do that again.

THIS SCANDAL IS HEREBY KNOWN AS QUOTEGATE!!!

I also love how he ends with “Canadians are telling him dont [sic] ever do that again”, as if Canadians are pretty angry at Stevey for eating all those cookies before dinner and I’d better hope he doesn’t act up that way again, or that’s a spankin’ time, mister!

To wrap up:

[Comment from Grace Noel]

Thank you Mr. Ignatieff – can we do this again?

Michael Ignatieff: Grace, we sure can. This was fun. I hope you enjoyed it too

THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!

Aaaand I’m spent.

[Source: This link to the chat, if it still even works]

Honestly Angelo, I give your plot a B+ for believability but a D for creativity

First, read the article written by this no-name, editorial-page space-filler, Angelo Persichilli, a man who makes up for his silly name with a God-given knack for juicy gossip! And by “juicy gossip”, I mean “making up shit”.

The premise of this world-exclusive scoop is that Bob Rae, Ruby Dhalla, Carolyn Bennett (who FOLLOWS MAPLERAG ON TWITTER, so, no rude things to say) and Glen Pearson met at the chic Chateau Laurier and plotted treason against their leader over cocktails. This would sure be big news, if it were true at all! Problem is, both Rae and Bennett have come out as basically saying “everything this Angelo guy says is one gigantic lie”.

Here’s Carolyn’s letter that she sent directly to the Star!

‘I was a participant in the conversation Mr. Persichilli’s [sic] cites in his Dec. 6 column. He was not. I participated in a conversation about ensuring that Michael Ignatieff becomes the next Prime Minister of Canada. The column is a fiction of the columnist’s own device. He has done himself serious damage as a political commentator.’

Yeah, good luck getting that printed, the Star letters-to-the-editor page has a pretty strict policy that filters out anything that isn’t 83-year-old hippies complaining about potholes on their suburban cul-de-sac/kids these days/the shame that Stephen Harper brings them.

Now, look back at Angelo’s column – and I’m calling him Angelo from now on, I’m not gonna be arsed to copy and paste his vowel-filled surname again – and you’ll notice that it’s oddly specific for a conversation that he wasn’t part of, and that wasn’t overheard by any reporters, and that probably didn’t exist. Angelo has concocted a thrilling narrative of direct quotes, actions, emotions and characters, given that he’s describing something that happened purely within his realm of imagination.

Here’s our own 100% true editorial response! Everything I’m about to say is as verifiable and factual as anything written in Angelo’s column:

On the morning of Sunday, December 6th, a man named Angelo needed to think of something to fill space in his important, widely-respected Toronto Star column. Angelo Persichilli was a horrible gremlin of a man, standing a mere three feet tall, living inside a dank, foul-smelling cavern within the labyrinthine basement of the Toronto Star building. As he chewed his fingernails, he came across an idea: what if a coup was being staged within the Liberal party ranks? O, what a spectacular story that would make! Angelo set to work: he looked into his desk drawer and came across four musty sweatsocks. He fashioned the socks with crude googly-eyes and smiles, and as he crouched behind his desk, he created an elaborate puppet show. He imagined that he was in a world of mystical fantasy, where four Liberal MPs had gathered to pound Jagermeister shots and stage an act of treason against their leader, setting the stage for a full-scale Liberal party revolt. Angelo cackled with glee at the spectacle, as he forced the puppets to recite dire-sounding quotes about Michael Ignatieff’s leadership qualities. He quickly transcribed the sock puppet conversation into his notepad, then sent the hastily-scribbled article to his editor. “I have a scoop! I hear Ruby Dhalla, and Bob Rae, and they were talking, oh, the things they said, I hear them all!” he croaked with glee, as he pranced merrily through the halls, sock puppets still on his hands.

CAN I HAVE ANGELO PERSICHILLI’S PULITZER IF HE DOESN’T WANT IT?