Our contestants: The Toronto Sun editorial team, Ezra Levant, and the smalldeadanimals comment section. Everyone loses.

For the past week, we’ve been hearing about a boat full of Tamil refugees slowly inching towards our shores, reported in the same dire tone you’d expect from Tokyo TV on news that Godzilla had once again risen from the Sea of Japan. As this rusty barge full of impoverished, hungry third-world refugees slowly made its way towards British Columbia, there was a general consensus: we’re doomed. The battle lines were drawn, and this boat full of sick, begging Sri Lankans would crush our military, destroy our society as we know it, and take control of our nation. Enjoy Canada as you know it, folks, if I’m to believe what I’m reading in the papers, the second we let these guys off the boat a Tamil Tigers flag will be flapping in the breeze over Parliament.

With all of this hullabaloo, we’re starting a contest: which media source can inject the most fear-mongering, over-the-top, end-of-the-world sensationalist vitriol into an article about 40-dozen-odd brown people landing a boat? Points will be awarded for doom-predicting, logical fallacies, breathless fury at Canadian society in general, irrelevant political talking points and overall retardedness of presentation.

Who’s ready to dish out a Sri Spankin’?

Contestant #1

Contestant Number One is from Toronto, he enjoys sports and bikini girls, and his pet peeves are kids these days and Liberals, say hello to The Sun!

First of all, let’s drop the “migrant” bunkum. It’s meaningless left-wing political claptrap.

Whoa, “bunkum”! “Claptrap”! Fantastic usage of words which are only used by 72-year-olds, and we’re only in the first sentence of this unsigned editorial! Plus, we’ve got kneejerk political reaction expertly woven in, with the claim that the very word “migrant”, meaning “one who migrates”, is left-wing in nature. Take that, left-wing claptrap bunkum!

Like queue-jumpers, scam artists, back-door home invaders, plus a terrorist or two.

Like scallywags, trollops, ne’er-do-wells and common rapscallions, says I! Got a boat full o’ people you know literally nothing about, who haven’t even been identified or spoken to the media? Are they brown? The Sun can tell you exactly how many terrorists are on the boat: either one, or two.

Alright Contestant Number One, here’s your final chance to impress our judges, put all of your retardedness on the line!

If the MV Sun Sea were carrying 500 “migrants” from Afghanistan, home base for the Taliban and al-Qaeda, would we be allowing it to enter Canadian waters, or would we put firing [sic] a shot over the bow with a message that the next would be midships? [sic]

Outstanding answer, Toronto Sun! You’ve combined a false premise, an appeal to emotion, an outright falsehood (Pakistan’s the home base of al-Qaeda), ridiculous chest-thumping bravado, and – best of all! – the writer has become so heart-poundingly outraged at the end of this sentence that he can’t even put words together, drifting off into a stream of furious, spittle-flecked nonsense. Or would be put firing, indeed! Thank you, Contestant Number One!

Contestant #2

Contestant Number Two is the failed abortion of a sewer rat fucking a Reform Party yard sign. His interests include suing blogs for libel, which he can’t do in this case, because the preceding sentence was factual. Meet perpetual clown Ezra Levant!

Ezra pooped out a column about this Tamil stuff, and it was run by a variety of newspapers which couldn’t fill the page space with something more meaningful, like ads for escort services. I’ll direct you to the version at the Belleville Intelligencer.

Great news for health care! The Victoria General Hospital is reopening a whole ward that had been shut down. They’re even contemplating dusting off an extra emergency department. No more waiting lists in that B.C. city! Just joking.

Oh, ha ha, hah haha, ho-ho, ha-ha, funny joke Ezra Levant!

Reports from the ship say there was an outbreak of tuberculosis. It’s a safe bet the B.C. department of health didn’t set aside millions of dollars in their budget for that Third World disease. No problem — just take it away from MRIs or cataract surgeries. No one will notice, and if they do, let’s just call them racist.

Alright, look, this is an open contest and all, but we didn’t expect any professional retards to enter. This isn’t even fair. This is a swimsuit competition, and you just showed up topless. Your level of retardedness is making a mockery of this retardedness pageant’s standards of fair competition. In that four-sentence bucket of brain-vomit alone, it’s worth noting the passengers didn’t have TB, no money is being diverted from regular provincial healthcare funding, and, oh WHAT THE FUCK with your racism-baiting bullshit Ezra.

We’re an awfully long journey from Sri Lanka, an island country just off the tip of India.

Good Lord.

Let’s do what Australia does. They have a small island 2,600 km off the coast of Perth.

What? No. Jesus, Ezra. No.

Let’s build a Christmas Island. We can do it on one of our remote islands off the West Coast, maybe in the Queen Charlottes.

Oh come on Ezra, this was supposed to be a fair, clean pageant, and then you had to come in here seriously proposing that we turn the national-park-protected, Native-administered Haidi Gwaii (formerly known as Queen Charlotte Islands) into some sort of Gitmo. Ezra, you’ve tarnished this wholesome beauty pageant with your swollen boobjobs of illegal idiocy, and you’re hereby DISQUALIFIED.

Contestant #3

Small Dead Animals founder Kate McMillan. Hint: the dead animal in question is a Cougar.

Our third contestant in our Parade of Irrational Tamil Fearmongering Sweepstakes says that she enjoys fast motorcycles, tight leather pants, and blog posts involving no more than 15 keystrokes. Say hello to Kate McMillan’s Small Dead Animals comments section!

They and the Taliban now know what cowards our authorities are when it comes to enforcing laws against non-European “citizens”.

And the judges are giving a 8.0 for grammar abuse and barely-veiled racism, fantastic start Small Dead Animals!

Immigration is like a credit card with a high limit; Instant gratification, then pain and misery for decades. If you are a leftist, you have no idea what I mean.

After reading this comment, our judges gave ace commenter “Friend of USA” a slow, deliberate golf clap. You see, the judges were trying to make sense of his metaphor – wait, who gets the gratification and who gets the misery? Why does this commenter have decades worth of painful credit card debt? When white people immigrate, is it more like a tax-free savings account? Then the judges realized – of course we can’t understand what he means. We’re leftists.

Kindof surprised Barry Soetoro didn’t offer them asylum just to p-off the Arizonians.

HOLY SHIT A REAL LIFE BIRTHER! Invoking Barack Obama’s top-secret Kenyan-Muslim name! And, “Arizonians”! The judges here are RISING TO THEIR FEET in applause for the sheer awfulness of this comment!

Since there are women on board and the ship has been on sea for three months, my guess is that quite a few are pregnant by now (either willingly or unwillingly through rape).

Just, wow. Alright Small Dead Animals, finish us off with one classic, awful comment!

Foreign ships up to no good should not be allowed into Canadian waters. Foreign ships engaged in human smuggling operations should not gain admittance to Canadian waters on principle: human smuggling is illegal. Other grounds include what is in the best interest of Canadians – what is in the best interest of human cargo destined to be utilized as sweated labour, or more chillingly, as operatives – and what is in the best interest of an ethnic community that has long endured Tiger fundraising shakedowns without recourse to Canada’s legal remedies

Hey, wait a minute, this comment’s actually free of spelling mistakes and uses legal logic instead of baseless vitriol, and even seems to defend the rights of Tamils, while – oh wait, nevermind, this wasn’t a Small Dead Animals comment, it was posted on a Neo-Nazi forum by white supremacist Paul Fromm. Sorry folks, I get all mixed up when I’ve got multiple tabs going in my browser.

Final Results

Although the SDA comment section was impressively retarded, I’ve got to give the edge to the Toronto Sun for being even more embarrassing and incoherent, while actually being published in a newspaper people pay money to read.

Congrashrilankans!

#1: Same fascist s**t as usual. What’s next? Emergency services only in French?

#2: We are at war, so we are no longer Peacekeepers. Canada is becoming fertile breeding ground for terrorists, so we can no longer claim the moral high ground in that respect.  Ethnic conflict are rampant in the large urban centres, as various immigrant groups bring their violence and hatred to this country.  Urban ethnic ghettoization is common- the end result of our great cultural diversity experiment.

#3: I haven’t seen the ad but the truth of the matter is blacks simply will never gravitate towards hockey no matter how much the NHL wishes they did (ie: cool factor).

#4: It looks very much like she is part of a larger agenda, something about moslems trying to soften up Canadian officials to get easier treatment in the future.

#5: What can we expect from immigrants from countries that promote genocide, extremism, and aggressive behaviour?

#6: “Canadian” used to mean more than hanging around long enough to get a piece of paper and learning how to sue the government

#7: That’s the thing with the Canadian media, a story is here today and gone tomorrow. And, they never report the race of a suspect either which really bothers me.

#8: You can’t speak English or French? Well too bad loser and don’t think for one minute I support translators being supplied. This is Canada son, so speak the lingo or crawl back to the cess pit you came from.

#9: Does marrying first or 2nd cousins which some Muslims do, bring about a mental illness called terrorism?  Just asking.

#10: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again….Canada refuses to learn the hard lessons…….Multiculturalism Does NOT Work!!!!  Just ask the UK and Netherlands!  What in God’s name do we think makes us different in that respect?  I’m a senior citizen, born in this country, proud of Canada’s heritage and would like to see us keep it!  If we keep up with this silliness we’ll have no heritage!!  WAKE UP CANADA!!!

Alright, get yer answers in, read on for the results:

#1: National Post, by Gone South

#2: National Post, by sealy

#3: Stormfront, by European Pride

#4: National Post, by welldoneson

#5: Stormfront, by RELENTLESSWOLF

#6: National Post, by Fred_001

#7: Stormfront, by TemperAlles

#8: Stormfront, by Evil One

#9: National Post, by commentaddict

#10: National Post, by alpha_1

Pass your completed tests to the front of the class for grading.

Page 21:

WHOA WHOA WHOA, who decided this crap? I can think of SOMEONE BETTER.

Overall Note:

So far in this pamphlet, there’s been at least 7 apologies to various mistreated ethnic groups. I mean, I get why they have to put that stuff, but Jesus, how Canadian is that? Our immigration guide – the booklet that’s meant to convey the main message, the main spirit and most bone-basic history of our country, is a bunch of variations on the sentence “In Year X, Canada committed this injustice. We apologized in 200_.” I mean, when you get the guide to Britain do you really think every page in their book is “We committed this colonial atrocity, our bad, chaps”?

We’re such a friggin’ apologetic country.

Sorry for going on a tangent. It won’t happen again.

READ MORE, I guarantee that at the end you’ll learn something new about Canada that new immigrants are already expected to know!

Page 25:

Oh my God what a crock. They’ve taken the volatile, complex issue of Quebec seperation – the idea that you, new immigrant, might be living in a country that could be literally ripped in half like the dreary Balkan hellhole you escaped – and they’ve turned it into a charming quirk. “Oh, by the way, Frenchies wanna separate, how drole! Just one of those zany, unique things that shapes our country!”

Also not mentioned: The FLQ/October Crisis! And trust me, the rest of this guide ain’t exactly skimping on history, you’d think “Terrorist crisis involving the War Measure Act” would make the cut if there’s enough room for profiles of United Empire Loyalists, bronze-medal sprinters and an explanation of Canadian football.

Page 26:

This is one of the biggest lies in this document.

“Yeah, new immigrant! We totally just sit around in Canada, from coast to coast, cuddling up with our loved ones and watching hit shows like Heartland, Robson Arms and Dragon’s Den. If you want to assimilate with your Canadian friends, instead of discussing the trite and bourgeois programs of America, try saying ‘Hey, did you see the Ron James Show last night?’ or ‘Hey bro, wanna borrow my This Is Wonderland DVD set?’ ”

Page 27:

Can we give this Bell shit up? HE WAS SCOTTISH. HE MOVED TO AMERICA. HE VACATIONED IN CANADA. God, lemme just Wikipedia this for you:

Bell was a British subject throughout his early life in Scotland and later in Canada until 1882, when he became a naturalized citizen of the United States. In 1915, he characterized his status as: “I am not one of those hyphenated Americans who claim allegiance to two countries.”

Of the three nationalities you could call him, Canadian would be a distant third. He vacationed here. Imagine if Mexico had claimed an inventor as a national son if the inventor had come upon an idea while on vacation in Cancun. And he’s our number one inventor that we listed!

Fun fact: Bell died of diabetes! He probably wouldn’t have died if he had some insulin, too bad that wasn’t yet invented by 100% Canadian Frederick Banting, who should be in the guide’s #1 spot.

Page 34:

Crap, I didn’t know there’d be a quiz! Good thing you’ve got an authentic Canadian Politics Blogger(tm) on your side!
ANSWER KEY:

a) DUHHH easy it’s the Prime Minist-wait, what, it’s not?

b) Seriously, can we get back to that first question, I thought I was moving to some first-world self-governing nation, not a quaint colonial berg swearing devotion to an unseen old broad whose German family had enough coups and incest to assume the throne

c) The Bollywood dancing guy I saw on TV, WHAT A HUNK

d) Republican

e) Michael Ig… Ig-na-chef… Ig-na-tee-eff… Ig-na-tchyef… Iggy, his name’s Iggy.

f) Again with the Her Majesty’s shit, why does Her Majesty get involved in the name of the opposition but not any other title in this quiz? Classic Liberal favouritism.

g) I mean, I can’t be expected to know the leader of every single minor political party in Canada. Let’s just go with the major ones. Blair T. Longley, Marijuana Party. Liz White, Animal Alliance Environment Voters Party. Francois “Yo” Gourd, Neorhino. Those are all the ones that come to mind.

h) I can’t have an Ottawa MP, I don’t live in Ottawa. Next.

i) …… Canada.

Page 39:

Eww! Boo! Hiss! Habs! STOP GIVING OUR NOBLE IMMIGRANTS GROSS PROPAGANDA.

Page 41:

OH. HELL. YES. This guide’s officially alright by me.

Also Page 41:

What the hell? Sir John A. Macdonald Day? Sir Wilfrid Laurier Day? Ahaha, what?

Well, that’s a good place to finish off – I learned that there are entire holidays I’m completely unaware of. I’m completely inadequate as a citizen. Oh well!

[Source: The Guide]

Anyways, like anything produced by the Government, it’s come under criticism by groups who… well, groups whose main job is to criticize stuff the Government makes, so that sounds about par for the course. Feminists are saying there aren’t enough ladies, environmentalists are saying there aren’t enough pages about trees, Quebeckers are saying “Tabernac to this” in general.

The last guide was a lot more touchy-feely and liberal, but it hadn’t been updated since 1995 at the height of Chretienmania. (Sidenote: hah, I just Googled the made-up word “Chretienmania“: 6 results! And the first 3 are from a series of unimportant blogs that are probably defunct by now, with the names “National Post”, “Globe and Mail” and “Maclean’s” respectively.) Critics are saying, well, here’s the choice quote, from historian Margaret Conrad:

“It’s kind of like a throwback to the 1950s. It’s a tough, manly country with military and sports heroes that are all men. It’s a tougher Canada than the one the Liberals depicted.”

Oh snap! You can either read that quote as a slam, or as an endorsement. Harper would probably be so proud of his manly, tough, cowboy-style pamphlet that he’ll use Margaret’s blurb as the quote for the dust cover. “Canada: Now Manlier!”

[Note: 2,250 hits for "Harpermania" on Google. Vast Conservative conspiracy?]

Hubbub over manliness aside, let’s look inside this 50-page Canuck Manifesto to see what horrible lies we’re teaching the tired, huddled masses of bright-eyed immigrants whose contributions fuel almost the entirety of our population and economic growth. Let’s take a look inside, shall we?

Page 9:

What the hell? This is one of the first things in the whole pamphlet, right after “Really basic shit about what Canada is” and right before “How to get citizenship”. Never expected the word “genital” in my official immigration guide so swiftly, I guess. It seems like an oddly specific dig, aimed at a specific tiny sub-group of a specific minority, to be putting on page 9, is all.

Anyways, below the welcoming words of “Stay the eff outta mah country, ya hardline Muslim fundies, love, the Conservatives” we get a picture of a heroin junkie getting shot up at her local Vancouver safe injection clinic, and some old people standing in front of some greenish emptiness that could be literally anywhere in our greenish, empty country. NEXT!

Also on Page 9 (It’s a good page!)

So these were those “responsibilities” they warned me about in the pamphlet’s title. Bullshit! As a lifelong Canadian, I say to all new immigrants: really, these are just rough guidelines. Obeying laws? Ehhh, when you have to. Here, right now I’ll break a law, to show the immigrants in the crowd that it’s not hard. Stephen Harper has terrible bladder control, he pees when he sneezes. See that? I just committed libel and possibly treason, and no jackbooted thugs are after me! Canada, what a country.

Getting a job is also highly overrated, if you can just live at home and write blogs and shit.

Jury Duty, if you can’t wiggle your way out of it (pro tip: dress like a hobo during the screening round!) is just an excuse to skip work, drink free coffee and learn about sexy crimes.

If voting were an actual, enforced responsibility, everyone you see around you would be in jail right now.

Volunteering is basically work without pay, which is double bullshit.

And hey, NDP guy I saw complaining in the Globe about this guide never mentioning the environment, they DO mention the environment! It’s RIGHT THERE! Right after the part about “heritage”, which, as we’ll later learn, means “White Christians playing hockey”.

Page 10:

Section about aboriginals – it’s not worth screenshotting, but I just want to mention that they do mention residential schools, so good on ‘em for not trying to cover that up. Although they do close by saying that the Government apologized in 2008, so I guess it’s all good then!

Page 11:

Finally, we get to the “strength through diversity, cultural mosaic” bullshit I’d been waiting for! Anyways, here’s the picture they chose to represent diversity: some pasty ginger kid celebrating the vomit-themed holiday of St Patrick’s Day, some pasty-white kid whose parents forced her into Highland Dance because they thought hip hop was too suggestive, a white kid posed on top of a non-white person of some kind, and a Metis fiddler. The Conservatives really dropped the ball here, how did they let that non-white guy slip in?

I need a break. TO BE CONTINUED IN PART 2!

[Article via Globe & Fail]

[Pamphlet available here]