Bro, I was listening to Krieber when she was underground

You’ve all heard about this already, right? Probably, since you’re a politics wonk. But here it is anyways: Janine Krieber, the lovely wife of a Monsieur Stephane Dion (remember THAT guy?) has some beef with Michael Ignatieff, and posted a nasty little diatribe about him on Facebook, the popular friend-stalking network. We’re not gonna acknowledge the accuracy of the accusations (since Iggy now follows us on Twitter, and we wouldn’t want to annoy him!) but we will break it down as an oldschool rap battle!

In one corner: Janine Krieber, invariably described as “assertive”, “outspoken”, or some other variant of adjectives used to describe politically-involved woman who can string a sentence together, is a political science professor and wife of Dion. During the last campaign, she accused the Liberal party of muzzling her “outspoken” views – I guess now we know why? Anyways, her interests include sociology, Quebec sovereignty issues, and throwing her own party under the bus on Facebook.

Gettin' Iggy with it

Her opponent: Michael Ignatieff is pure-bred from a long line of Canadian and Russian aristocracy, and, like any prize horse, his Wikipedia page spends a full 13 paragraphs describing the long line of noble ancestors who sired this offspring. Also, his Wikipedia page is locked, so no, you cannot edit the page to read “His mom wuz a horsee n his dad wuz Bert from teh muppets loL.” Anyways, as the current occupant of Stornoway, he messes with all the furniture that Janine had put in, which really bugs her. Honestly, how much would that bug you, knowing that your political enemy was now living in your old house and farting in your bedsheets?

Janine, let’s see what you’ve got, let’s get this beef started, spit a freestyle dis track! (All excerpts via the Globe and Mail translation)

It’s been a year and one week since I last wrote on my blog. Ah! “la présidente” is lazy.

We’re off to a hot start, she’s already laid down a nickname for herself! Classic way to open any dis track – don’t attack your opponent right off the bat, introduce yourself, get the crowd hyped by talking yourself up – in this case, by dropping a sick nickname like “La Présidente”. That might go down as one of rap’s greatest nicknames, between Jay-Z as “Hova” and Ol Dirty Bastard as “Big Baby Jesus”. Alright, La Présidente, spit it!

The Liberal Party is falling apart, and will not recover. Like all liberal parties in Europe, it will become a weakling at the mercy of ephemeral coalitions.

Oh SNAP. That is some CLASSIC throwing under the bus! I mean, in terms of Europe right off the bat you’ve got the centre-left Labour party in the UK which has held a majority government since 1997, but she has a point – at least in Germany, Italy and France, the centre-left party fell apart in the most recent election and conceded power to the centre-right guys. Granted, politics flows in natural cycles, and as the world perspective shifts away from Bush-era neoconservatism back into post-Obama liberal… no, y’know what, no analysis, MORE DISSING!

Anyway, I became convinced of it the moment that Paul Martin treated Jean Chrétien so cavalierly. The party died at that moment.

Yeah, well, at least Martin won an election after that point, that’s one more election than your husband could win. Oooooh! What else you got La Présidente?

If the Toronto elites had been more in tune, humble and realist, Stéphane would have been willing to take all the time and absord all the hits needed to rebuild the party.

Alright, first of all, a note to the Globe and Mail, who translated this from French, and who are ironically also TORONTO ELITES: “realist” isn’t an adjective in English. You can’t just lazily Babelfish-translate the whole piece like that, because you’ll get the noun “realist” instead of the adjective “realistic” when you try to translate the French word “réalistes”. It makes you look lazy, Globe and Fail. Only La Présidente is allowed to be lazy.

Anyways, the “Toronto elites” line is classic rap beef! Janine’s turning the Quebec/Toronto feud into something more explosive than the whole East Coast/West Coast rap feud. Suck it, Toronto!

The time for choices is now. I don’t want to see the Conservatives continue to change my country. They are, slowly, like any dictatorship, changing the world.

Four things. First: choices? She’s anti-Iggy but hates Harper, sooo… what, NDP, Bloc, what the hell choice are you implying we make? Second, the whole “dictatorship” line is pretty trite. Comparing democratically-elected leaders to Nazis is sooo last decade. Third, you’d know a thing or two about dictatorships, your father fought in WWII… for the Nazis! (Seriously: Halfway through the third ‘graf) Fourth, honestly, you think anything the Canadian government does has the influence to change the world? Canadians haven’t changed the world meaningfully since Celine Dion released that big Titanic song. And that, my friends, was an act of aggression.

Ignatieff’s supporters have not done their homework. They did not read his books

Gimme a break, he’s got, like, 50 books. You seriously want me to read his book “A Just Measure of Pain: Penitentiaries in the Industrial Revolution, 1780–1850“? Do we all need to head to Chapters to pick up “Wealth and Virtue: The Shaping of Political Economy in the Scottish Enlightenment“? Most Canadians have trouble getting through the newest Twilight book before they start getting library fines.

They were satisfied that he could be charming at cocktails.

MORE LAZY TRANSLATING, GLOBE AND FAIL. By writing “cocktails” in French she meant “cocktail parties”. Honestly, did you just run this whole thing through Google Translate?

I am starting a serious reflection. I will not give my voice to a party that will end up in the trashcan of history. I am looking around me, and certain things are attractive. Like a dedicated party that doesn’t challenge its leader at every hiccup in the polls. A party where the rule would be the principle of pleasure, and not assassination. A party where work ethic and competence would be respected and where smiles would be real.

Wait, what, WHICH PARTY ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, who should we be voting for, oh God I’m so confused by you Janine. This is no way to end a freestyle rap. Here, let me show you how you should have done it:

I know what ya want,
It’s ya girl, Janine,
Call me La Presidente
But ya know I’m tha Queen/
Spittin’ lyrics for Iggy
Cuz I’m gettin’ Jiggy
With Dion while I freestyle on yo ass like Biggie/
I got a message for ya Mike,
Ya Bert Muppet lookalike,
We won’t beat tha Harper Reich unless you take a hike/
Alright I’m outta space
For a post on Facebook
In conclusion, long-face
Your Liberal shit’s cooked.

Oooooooh! Alright Iggy, your response, one minute on the clock, whatcha got?

Hello
I’m Michael Ignatieff
This is my rap
Yo Yo Yo
Peace to the Toronto Elites
What is up?
Let me bust my rhymes.
Eat shit, Janine Krieber.

Uhhh… I don’t think you’re really getting this whole rap thing, Mike.