Clockwise from top-left: M.P. Peter MacKay (Conservative-Central Nova); Governor General Michaelle Jean; and M.P. Shark (Aquatic Predator Party-Atlantic Ocean) enjoy the rising political popularity of seal meat

What’s the hottest, safest political position for Ottawa politicians to take these days? “Support our troops”? “We gotta invest in our children”? “Help out Main Street, not Wall Bay Street”? “Job creation is our priority”?

Nope! The trendy position for hot politicians who want to be seen is “I fucking love seals getting their heads smacked with icepicks!”

We all know that Michaelle Jean grossed out the world by swallowing down a slimy serving of seal-heart sashimi, after which Peter MacKay, never one to be left out, tried some raw seal meat of his own. Now everyone in Ottawa wants a piece of the hottest accessory of the season, a splayed-out butchered seal carcass!

Pretty much every politician in Canada’s all aboard the seal hunt bandwagon. Considering the widespread criticism of the seal hunt across the country, let alone the world, you’d think there’d be some level of disagreement about it on the Hill, but in Ottawa saying you’re pro-seal hunt is such an empty, unanimously-held sentiment it’s like saying you’re pro-Hockey. (For the record, Your MapleRag is totally down with clobberin’ some seals, but we can at least see why it might be controversial!)

So, what was on the menu at Parliament Hill at a luncheon today held by Liberal Senator Celine Hervieux-Payette? Double-smoked, bacon-wrapped seal loin in a port reduction. That dish sounded so good until you got to the “seal” part.

You see, by all accounts seal meat is pretty much like eating hot garbage. It’s a dark, dry meat that smells like rancid fish and is so tough, gamey and chewy that you need an expert chef to mask (i.e. smother in bacon) the meat’s “uniqueness” to make it edible. Not to mention, the seal’s full of fat which is apparently so vile it’s inedible, and the things are crawling with parasites (not unlike MPs themselves).

But hold the phone! Not everyone’s on-board with this edition of Fear Factor: Ottawa Edition! Liberal Senator Mac Harb is the lone voice against the seal hunt in Ottawa, which makes him a favourite whipping-boy of Conservatives. Look what was said in an internal memo to Tories from the PM’s office!

“Liberal Leader Michael Ignatieff claims to support the seal hunt but is attempting to play both sides of the issue. In these challenging economic times Ignatieff’s Liberals are playing politics with Canadian families who depend on the hunt for their livelihoods.”

Oh what the fuck. Really? There’s one lousy senator in the entire Liberal party who’s anti-sealing, which is somehow Michael Ignatieff’s fault? And it somehow makes him “playing politics” to have ONE GUY – some useless senator, no less! – who has an original opinion? But hey, it’s the Tories, they can say ridiculous shit like “Michael Ignatieff doesn’t keep his senators on a leash, and therefore he kills impoverished Newfoundlanders” and get away with it, it’s not like any Liberal’s gonna grow a backbone and stand up to th-….. whaaaaa?

“Following the same logic,” a senior Ignatieff official told The Globe, “if Stephen Harper truly believed in airport security, he would have fired Helena Guergis?”

HOLY SHIT! A CHALLENGER APPEARS! Some random Liberal’s here to lay some fuckin’ SMACKDOWN!

“If Stephen Harper really believed in restraint, he would have sent Jim Flaherty walking to the Tim Hortons on Slater [Street in Ottawa, near Parliament Hill] rather than flying in a government plane to London. Should I go on?”

OH NO! NO! HE DID NOT JUST GO THERE! Whoever the fuck this Senior Official is, they’d better be dishing out ointment for all of these BURNS! YES, PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GO ON!

“Oh, while we’re at it,” the Ignatieff official said, “if Stephen Harper was really ‘tough on crime,’ would he not direct his Minister of Justice to contest Mr. Jaffer’s unbelievably light sentence?”

OH SHIT! HE! WENT! THERE!

Whoever this mystery Senior Official is, they have GIGANTIC SWINGING BRASS BALLS! Why is this Mystery Senior Official not Prime Minister yet?!

It’s now our goal to find out, WHO IS THE SENIOR OFFICIAL GONE WILD?

Our guess is, obviously, Cute From Behind Chick.

[Globe: PMO harpoons Liberal division on seal hunt]

[Globe: Seal on the menu for parliamentarians]

Colin Le Fevre, Liberal hack, attending some sort of hippie drum-circle thing.

Everyone loves interviews, because it gives a chance to meet people, learn about their ideas, and – most importantly – it means we have to do less writing! Here’s a new feature, Ask A Party Hack, where we ask the tough questions of the day to a totally biased partisan we find! If you love the shit out of one party or another and would like to be interviewed, let us know! We’re probably gonna need a Bloc guy at some point. Hell, if you just want to pretend to be a Bloc party insider and just shout French profanity at us, we’re down with that too!

Our Liberal party hack is Colin Le Fevre, whose name is French for Colin The Fevre. He runs a website that he calls “Colin it like it is”. He actually calls it that, un-ironically and everything! He also loves him some Liberals and hates him some Stephen Harper, so we interviewed him with the HARD QUESTIONS!

MAPLE RAG: For each of the following groups of people, give one reason why Stephen Harper hates them: women, students, black people, porn stars, World of Warcraft players, Juno award-winning R&B artist Shawn Desmand.

• Women: Belinda Stronach.

• Students: Because they’re slackers without jobs, being a drain on the liberal social welfare state that Canada is.

• Black people: Because Barack Obama kept him out of the Copenhagen Accord negotiations.

• Porn stars: Because they’re godless heathens

• World of Warcraft players: He actually doesn’t. I assume that Harper was a player of whatever the 1960’s equivalent of World of Warcraft was. He sympathizes with their social awkwardness.

• Juno award-winning R&B artist Shawn Desmand: First things first, it’s “Shawn Desman,” [Son of a bitch! -ed.] but this is a really easy answer. Harper doesn’t like the non-conformist, liberal sideways mohawk he sports.

Colin's right, it DOES slant left!

MAPLERAG: If Michael Ignatieff were a car, what car would he be? What meat product would he be? What meat product would Stephen Harper be?

Iggy would be a Toyota – for the most part very dependable, but foreign made. Also seems to have a problem fixing a few big internal issues right now. In terms of meat? Filet Mingnon – classy and foreign… but the best hands down.

Harper? Well, I’m wondering why no car? You get it anyway. Harper is an old Chevette. Out of date, useless, and bankrupt (in Harper’s case, morally). Meat? Ground beef – many uses, but they’re all bad for you.

MAPLERAG: Policy Hack Test! Name the most interesting bill currently before parliament, by its real C-### name, and struggle to explain what makes it at all interesting.

What bills before parliament? There are none. Remember when Harper killed them all? When he ran away from the opposition with his tail between his legs? Yea, when he did that all the bills went away.

I guess that’s not entirely true – private member’s bills survive prorogation, [SEE, SMART GUY -ed.] so lets go with Bill C-391, the bill to repeal the gun registry. Now, this bill has essentially passed, so it doesn’t matter that much, but it’s still sort of circulating.

The jist of the bill? “Guns good, registering them bad, waste of money.” Somehow this comes from the “tough on crime” Conservatives though. Makes no sense to this Liberal hack.

MAPLERAG: It was a trick question, there’s no such thing as interesting parliament bills! Next question: who’s the hottest Canadian politician?

Nikki Ashton, hands down. Is there really any competition there?

No. There isn't.

MAPLERAG: Snooki, J-WOWW, Sammi Sweetheart, or Angelina?

Angelina for sure. She was smart enough to get the hell out of there. Although I guess she is missing out on the cash these guys seem to be making these days – which I honestly don’t understand. Seriously, who the hell wants to see these guys? They drink, fight, party, take their clothes off… wait, I finally get it…

MAPLERAG: Why should MapleRag readers (e.g. alcoholic degenerates) vote for Michael Ignatieff in the snap federal election that will be called this spring?

Seriously, why not? Harper has had his chance and in that time our international reputation as leaders has tanked out, we’ve had a huge economic downturn that has not recovered despite his “Economic Action Plan” propaganda BS, we’ve had a huge scandal relating to Afghan detainees that the Conservatives are refusing to acknowledge despite being required to by the House, they bungled the H1N1 vaccine purchases, and I could go on and on…

They have had their chance for the last 4 years, have not moved us forward at all, and in many areas have moved us backwards. Why should we keep them in? Yes, Liberal governments in the past haven’t been perfect – I will admit that, but they implement progressive policies that move us forward as a country. Harper has shown he has no ability to do this.

Harper has had his chance and has failed, it’s time to replace him with a government who will actually work for Canadians – not just themselves.

______________________

THE END! THANKS, COLIN! Come back next week when we’ll interview Stephen Harper and dare him to drink a shotglass of tabasco sauce, he totally won’t do it.