Prime Minister Harper taking part in 90s-era festivities

OTTAWA (CP) – With apparent inspiration from the National Hockey League’s successful Heritage Classic and Winter Classic annual events featuring games played in outdoor settings with nostalgic vintage uniforms, noted hockey fan Prime Minister Stephen Harper has decided to implement a similar festive throwback event within the halls of the Canadian government.

Standing at a podium flanked by neon-green “REFORM in ‘97″ campaign sign, the Prime Minister spoke to the press in a drab, navy blazer with mismatched slacks and a gawdy Reform campaign button, a look reminiscent of the uniforms worn by his party in the 1990s. “Ladies and gentlemen, inspired by the rich nostalgia evoked by the National Hockey League’s commitment to its roots and heritage, I’d like to welcome you to Throwback Day on Parliament Hill,” the Prime Minister said before a pool of reporters.

Harper's throwback inspiration: the uniform the NHL's Calgary Flames will wear in their 2011 Heritage Classic match (not pictured: a wizard yelling "Ten points for Gryffindor!")

“We really thought it was time to get back to our roots in the 90s, to really reconnect with what politics was all about back then,” said a particularly pleased-looking Michael Ignatieff, wearing authentic period garb including a  “young-Tony-Blair-meets-young-Matthew-Perry” shaggy mullet wig, a red Nagano 1998 Roots poor-boy cap and a red Tommy Hilfiger polo shirt. “I’m really getting into this whole 90s thing. I’ve got my copy of the Red Book here signed by Paul Martin, I’ve got Our Lady Peace cranked on my Sony Walkman, I’m having a great time! You can’t stop the Big Red Machine!” said the Liberal leader from what appeared to be a reconstructed set from the 1990s CBC teen current affairs series Jonovision.

“I’ve carefully studied my character based on historical documents from the time period, and today I’m portraying a man named Joe Clark,” said Tony Clement, donning a plain blue one-button suit with a “PC in ‘93″ campaign button. “From what we know about him, he was the leader of an obscure party oxymoronically called Progressive Conservatives, and using some VHS tapes I borrowed from the Canadian Museum of Civilization I’m trying to live life the way historians believe he might have lived.” Staying in character, he then mumbled incoherently about Quebecers with his jowels trembling in outrage.

“This whole throwback shit’s starting to be kind of a pain,” said one NDP aide on conditions of anonymity. “I asked Mr. Layton if he wanted to reschedule an appearance on George Stroumboulopoulos’ show, and it’s like he honestly believed we were back in the 90s - he said that he had no reason to appear on some MuchMusic VJ’s heavy-metal clip show. Then he mumbled something about a meeting with ‘Alexa’ and wandered off.”

Gilles Duceppe, playing the role of Lucien Bouchard, spent the entire day pacing back and forth across Parliament scowling and wearing a combed-over toupée. When asked if we was enjoying the throwback day, the unsmiling Mr. Duceppe scoffed, yelled “VOTEZ ‘OUI‘ EN ‘95!” and punched the reporter in the stomach.

Question Period featured a spirited debate, with Ignatieff’s Liberals on the government side of the aisle fielding questions about the Clarity Act and repealing the GST, Harper’s Reform Party complaining about Eastern Canada favouritism while John Baird struggled to reach Twitter from a 90s-era clunky cellphone the size of a shoebox, and a wetsuit-wearing Stockwell Day complaining that a recent Liberal proposal “was so absurd, it was like something out of a Royal Canadian Air Farce episode. Or Double Exposure.”

At one point Stephen Harper rose to go on a ten-minute rant about the Liberals’ sponsorship scandal, although it was unclear whether he was still acting in character as someone from ten years ago, or speaking in the present.

Bro, I was listening to Krieber when she was underground

You’ve all heard about this already, right? Probably, since you’re a politics wonk. But here it is anyways: Janine Krieber, the lovely wife of a Monsieur Stephane Dion (remember THAT guy?) has some beef with Michael Ignatieff, and posted a nasty little diatribe about him on Facebook, the popular friend-stalking network. We’re not gonna acknowledge the accuracy of the accusations (since Iggy now follows us on Twitter, and we wouldn’t want to annoy him!) but we will break it down as an oldschool rap battle!

In one corner: Janine Krieber, invariably described as “assertive”, “outspoken”, or some other variant of adjectives used to describe politically-involved woman who can string a sentence together, is a political science professor and wife of Dion. During the last campaign, she accused the Liberal party of muzzling her “outspoken” views – I guess now we know why? Anyways, her interests include sociology, Quebec sovereignty issues, and throwing her own party under the bus on Facebook.

Gettin' Iggy with it

Her opponent: Michael Ignatieff is pure-bred from a long line of Canadian and Russian aristocracy, and, like any prize horse, his Wikipedia page spends a full 13 paragraphs describing the long line of noble ancestors who sired this offspring. Also, his Wikipedia page is locked, so no, you cannot edit the page to read “His mom wuz a horsee n his dad wuz Bert from teh muppets loL.” Anyways, as the current occupant of Stornoway, he messes with all the furniture that Janine had put in, which really bugs her. Honestly, how much would that bug you, knowing that your political enemy was now living in your old house and farting in your bedsheets?

Janine, let’s see what you’ve got, let’s get this beef started, spit a freestyle dis track! (All excerpts via the Globe and Mail translation)

It’s been a year and one week since I last wrote on my blog. Ah! “la présidente” is lazy.

We’re off to a hot start, she’s already laid down a nickname for herself! Classic way to open any dis track – don’t attack your opponent right off the bat, introduce yourself, get the crowd hyped by talking yourself up – in this case, by dropping a sick nickname like “La Présidente”. That might go down as one of rap’s greatest nicknames, between Jay-Z as “Hova” and Ol Dirty Bastard as “Big Baby Jesus”. Alright, La Présidente, spit it!

The Liberal Party is falling apart, and will not recover. Like all liberal parties in Europe, it will become a weakling at the mercy of ephemeral coalitions.

Oh SNAP. That is some CLASSIC throwing under the bus! I mean, in terms of Europe right off the bat you’ve got the centre-left Labour party in the UK which has held a majority government since 1997, but she has a point – at least in Germany, Italy and France, the centre-left party fell apart in the most recent election and conceded power to the centre-right guys. Granted, politics flows in natural cycles, and as the world perspective shifts away from Bush-era neoconservatism back into post-Obama liberal… no, y’know what, no analysis, MORE DISSING!

Anyway, I became convinced of it the moment that Paul Martin treated Jean Chrétien so cavalierly. The party died at that moment.

Yeah, well, at least Martin won an election after that point, that’s one more election than your husband could win. Oooooh! What else you got La Présidente?

If the Toronto elites had been more in tune, humble and realist, Stéphane would have been willing to take all the time and absord all the hits needed to rebuild the party.

Alright, first of all, a note to the Globe and Mail, who translated this from French, and who are ironically also TORONTO ELITES: “realist” isn’t an adjective in English. You can’t just lazily Babelfish-translate the whole piece like that, because you’ll get the noun “realist” instead of the adjective “realistic” when you try to translate the French word “réalistes”. It makes you look lazy, Globe and Fail. Only La Présidente is allowed to be lazy.

Anyways, the “Toronto elites” line is classic rap beef! Janine’s turning the Quebec/Toronto feud into something more explosive than the whole East Coast/West Coast rap feud. Suck it, Toronto!

The time for choices is now. I don’t want to see the Conservatives continue to change my country. They are, slowly, like any dictatorship, changing the world.

Four things. First: choices? She’s anti-Iggy but hates Harper, sooo… what, NDP, Bloc, what the hell choice are you implying we make? Second, the whole “dictatorship” line is pretty trite. Comparing democratically-elected leaders to Nazis is sooo last decade. Third, you’d know a thing or two about dictatorships, your father fought in WWII… for the Nazis! (Seriously: Halfway through the third ‘graf) Fourth, honestly, you think anything the Canadian government does has the influence to change the world? Canadians haven’t changed the world meaningfully since Celine Dion released that big Titanic song. And that, my friends, was an act of aggression.

Ignatieff’s supporters have not done their homework. They did not read his books

Gimme a break, he’s got, like, 50 books. You seriously want me to read his book “A Just Measure of Pain: Penitentiaries in the Industrial Revolution, 1780–1850“? Do we all need to head to Chapters to pick up “Wealth and Virtue: The Shaping of Political Economy in the Scottish Enlightenment“? Most Canadians have trouble getting through the newest Twilight book before they start getting library fines.

They were satisfied that he could be charming at cocktails.

MORE LAZY TRANSLATING, GLOBE AND FAIL. By writing “cocktails” in French she meant “cocktail parties”. Honestly, did you just run this whole thing through Google Translate?

I am starting a serious reflection. I will not give my voice to a party that will end up in the trashcan of history. I am looking around me, and certain things are attractive. Like a dedicated party that doesn’t challenge its leader at every hiccup in the polls. A party where the rule would be the principle of pleasure, and not assassination. A party where work ethic and competence would be respected and where smiles would be real.

Wait, what, WHICH PARTY ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, who should we be voting for, oh God I’m so confused by you Janine. This is no way to end a freestyle rap. Here, let me show you how you should have done it:

I know what ya want,
It’s ya girl, Janine,
Call me La Presidente
But ya know I’m tha Queen/
Spittin’ lyrics for Iggy
Cuz I’m gettin’ Jiggy
With Dion while I freestyle on yo ass like Biggie/
I got a message for ya Mike,
Ya Bert Muppet lookalike,
We won’t beat tha Harper Reich unless you take a hike/
Alright I’m outta space
For a post on Facebook
In conclusion, long-face
Your Liberal shit’s cooked.

Oooooooh! Alright Iggy, your response, one minute on the clock, whatcha got?

Hello
I’m Michael Ignatieff
This is my rap
Yo Yo Yo
Peace to the Toronto Elites
What is up?
Let me bust my rhymes.
Eat shit, Janine Krieber.

Uhhh… I don’t think you’re really getting this whole rap thing, Mike.