Artist's rendition of how a snap election in the near future might look

Feel that? A rush of warm air in the frigid, dry winter air? That hot tingle running up your leg? Feeling all fuzzy inside? It’s ELECTION SPECULATION FEVER SEASON! Have you got the FEVER?

The Conservatives have introduced their new Human Smuggling bill, and everyone hates it! The Liberals and NDP are gonna vote against it! But what if the Tories make the bill a confidence issue? Chaos! Human sacrifice, cats and dogs living together, mass hysteria! After the 6-week Parliamentary Christmas vacation (if you’re not jealous of 6-week vacations, you’re either a teacher or pro football player), a vote of no confidence could mean a sudden 2011 SNAP ELECTION!

Is the tingle up to your torso yet? This is exciting! This is why you read politics blogs!

Elections! SNAP ELECTIONS! Snappier than normal elections!

But, wait, alright, let’s call calm the shit down for a second – why would anyone WANT to have an election in 2011?

Conservatives: Why now?

Say they decide to make the Human Smuggling bill a confidence motion, and stake their entire time in office on their God-given right to lock up all the refugees they want. If they do this, they avoid having to drop a doom-and-gloom budget early next year which would also almost certainly be voted down by the opposition, so either way it’s a precariously-balanced Jenga game that Harper sits atop for the next month.

But is now the time for Harper to pull the trigger? While still nowhere near a majority if an election were called tomorrow, by riding their new clustered-message strategy – long-gun registry and social issues in rural ridings, crime and jobs in urban ridings – they hope to take the odd Quebec seat, a couple of NDP/Liberal seats in the prairies, and raise the stakes all-in on the hope of making major inroads into what’s been Fort Liberal at least for my entire life, Toronto. With enough seats picked up, the Tories could pull ahead of a combined NDP/Liberal opposition, and while not a majority, they could at least buy another year of time on the government side of the House floor.

Liberals: Why bother?

This picture of Iggy standing on the side of the highway with the broken-down Liberal Express bus pretty much paints the whole picture

The Liberals of late have been a bit like the Toronto Maple Leafs of politics. The old-guard, well-moneyed establishment, each has struggled with identity issues in the past decade leading to a new leader, an infusion of fresh faces, and a new, aggressive strategy. The result has been the same in both cases: falling from passable to merely mediocre.

Literally nothing is working for the Liberals these days, their attacks are falling on deaf ears, Iggy’s eliciting the enthusiasm of a bowl of pudding, and the Grits are now looking so limp-dick vulnerable that even the fucking NDP now have their eyes set on the comfy confines of Stornoway.

Just like the only way for the Leafs to improve is by being awful enough to accumulate draft picks, the only way for the Liberals to take a stab at Harper’s stranglehold on power is to call an election they know they can’t win. A bitter pill to swallow in each case. At this point, the only thing that can bring the Liberals into power is a massive scandal, the type that managed to wrest power from the hands of Martin or Mulroney. If I were Iggy, I’d be stocking up on tape recorders, taking piano lessons, and patiently waiting.

NDP: Why not?

The NDP seems as feisty and fearless as ever, the lightweight boxer hopping up and down in his corner eager for a shot at the heavyweight champ. But realistically, Layton’s been doing this gig for a while now. Do they really think they can sneak into a second-place finish if the Liberals seriously shit the bed in a snap election? Being leader of the opposition comes with a nice house and a nice addition to your Wikipedia summary, but is that what the NDP wants: murdering the Liberal party at the expense of giving Harper a majority?

The voter: Why the fuck did I leave work early to stand around in a middle-school gym with old people just to vote in this shitty landslide riding?

Why indeed.

Your next Prime Minister, JACKEL LAYTIEFF!

The talk of Ottawa lately has been the tale of two star-crossed lovers, born to separate warring factions – a classic story of intrigue, conflict and bromance. What if the Armies of Orange, led by their resurgent mustachioed general, could put aside their weapons of battle and find common ground with their foe of generations past, the Empire of the Red L, and form an unholy bond forged by the very fires of Hades… and perhaps… find love?

No. No. It’s not going to happen.

There’ve been a number of columnists seemingly pressed for deadlines lately who’ve engaged in a bit of speculative fan-fiction about a centre-left merger in Canadian politics, perhaps as the only way to take down Harper. Not to mention that last week no less a character than Jean Chretien told the CBC that if a merger were do-able, the Liberals should do it. Iggy himself, for his part, has done his best to avoid comment – but has still made the flirty comment that a Liberal-NDP alliance government would be “legitimate”. With the Liberals just trying to tread water at this point and the NDP, despite their impressive barking, still being a small dog in this fight, a LibDP merger is the only way some people can get their calculators to add up to a majority government. Of course, the precedent for an unholy political alliance is fresh in the public’s memory after newly-minted Prime Minister David Cameron’s wheelings and dealings on Merry Olde Knifecrime Island.

So, who would win out if the Liberals were to form an unlikely (read: impossible) alliance with the NDP?

Well, the first winner would be dumb people! Take this Sun columnist – pretty much all Suns are the same drivel, the city isn’t important – who seems to be just itching to say “Heh, yeah, let those dirty commie bastards merge with those rotten Fiberals, eh-heh-heh, then we can tar them as the Marxists they are while diminishing the influence of those Goddamn poutine-sucking seperatist frogs!” Conservatives love the idea of a Liberal-NDP merger, because they see it as a step backwards for the Big Red Machine. Their unstoppable rival for over a century, now forced into taking on the baggage brought on-board by a motley crew of socialist hippies? Talk about Tory talking points!

The Liberals themselves had something of a similar fortunate windfall back in the 2004 election. With the newly-merged Conservative Party ready to take a serious crack at Martin, the Liberals were given ample munition in trying to turn off centrist voters by reminding them this wasn’t their daddy’s Progressive Conservatives anymore, this was the Refooooorm Party they’d be voting for. That’s a real anecdote, by the way – back in 2004 Liberal phone-jockies would call you up, and if you said you were voting Conservative, their scripted response was “You mean, you’re voting Reform?”

Aside from the bountiful Conservative talking points that a united left would provide, who else would benefit? Well… the Conservatives would benefit again, since all this merger talk makes the Liberals look weak. (Hey, how many times do I get to link-drop the Saskatoon Star Phoenix?)

Alright, what else would result from a Liberal-NDP merger? Uh, you, douchebag in the corner, I believe you had your hand up… sorry, did you just say this is exactly like the Slap Chop commercial? What? No. You don’t understand how metaphors work. You’re not allowed to talk anymore.

Alright, but the NDP are all on-board the idea of actually forming a government, right? No? They’re skeptical of the deal, and so are the Bloc? Oh.

So… what you’re saying is, the Liberals would look weak, the NDP don’t think it’ll happen, and the Conservatives would be the big winners?

But hey, it could still happen, right?

[SECOND SPOILER ALERT: No, it still really, really won't happen.]

It’s likely the oldest and most singularly important question in the history of representative democracy. Hotness is an essential yardstick with which we, the voting public, can gauge the worthiness of our elected officials. And, just like other subjective measures of value for an elected official (intelligence, enthusiasm, creativity, dickishness, etc.) it’s very hard to judge something as subjective and personal as hotness.

Some people will tell you that Ruby Dhalla is the hottest woman in Parliament. Others are more Belinda Stronach types. Conservatives pretend to like Rona Ambrose. But not us.

[Editorial note: by "us", he means "him", I have absolutely no involvement with this post and think this chick looks like a homely Greek librarian -Jenn]

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Niki Ashton, MP for Churchill, Manitoba. She was elected in 2008, ousting her Liberal opponent after she gained the support of local unions and local polar bears, who have voting rights in Churchill.

Why she’s hot: The glasses. They’re so cute! It’s Tina Fey-esque. She seems hip. Belinda Stronach wouldn’t know where the cool indie bands are playing. Rona Ambrose wouldn’t pound jagerbombs with you at a hipster dive bar. Niki Ashton is the nerdy chick who liked you in high school. Niki Ashton will text you at 1 AM asking if you want to come over and watch her DVD collection of foreign films. Niki Ashton will knit you a scarf.

We’re even willing to overlook the fact that she’s an orange, Nee-dipper Commie.

Niki Ashton is, from this point forward, the official crush of Maple Rag, and we will periodically reference how much we love her until she agrees to go to prom with us.