One day, you'll be able to tell your children that you remember exactly where you were when you saw a tired, confused Wayne Gretzky wait 10 minutes for a stupid broken hydraulic arm to lift

Ahaha. What the hell did I just watch?

HIGHLIGHTS:

> Wolverine from Hell tearing a fiddle apart: In what I guess was a tribute to the East Coast, a horrifying mixture of Newfies, the cast of Stomp, Seattle fashion circa 1993, and Irish goths on acid fused to stomp their feet, fiddle up a storm under the watch of a Satanic Wolverine standing in a canoe, and even did a cover of Maple Sugar (!!!!) my favourite fucking fiddle song in the world. It was very Canadian, but I’m sure it confused the hell out of the rest of the world. At least we could enjoy it. Also, Ashley MacIsaac showed up (!!!!) and didn’t do a kick high enough to flash his kilt-junk on international TV, so chalk that up to a success!

> Some white guy standing around during the Parade of Nations doing “The Carlton Dance” for a good half-hour straight: see image below.

> KD Lang singing Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah”: Look, if you can’t appreciate this, get out of my country. Yeah, it wasn’t Justin Bieber. But you’re gonna sit down and you’re gonna enjoy it, Goddamnit it, because that’s Canada right there. (Also, I wish we could’ve got a reaction shot of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan as they watched a lesbian in men’s clothing singing a song about banging girls, the title of which is the Christian phrase “Hallelujah”)

> AN OBESE NECKBEARDED SLAM POET FROM THE NORTHWEST TERRITORIES WHO THE ORGANIZERS FOUND ON YOUTUBE. I’ve never written a more ridiculous combination of words. No one could have possibly predicted that the Olympic opening ceremony would feature something so ridiculous. The second I heard “Up next, a slam poet”, I fucking burst out laughing. When I saw him, I actually laughed harder. (Slam Poetry, more like Denny’s Grand Slam Poetry, AM I RIGHT FOLKS) anyways, his entire Def Strawberry Jam (ZING) was basically a repackaged version of that old Molson beer commercial. “We say zed instead of zee, what’s the deal, am I right folks?” WHY ARE MY TAX DOLLARS PAYING YOU TO BE ON MY TELEVISION?

> The worst arrangement of ‘O Canada’ ever, or at least since the last time the Raptors went on a roadtrip and they made some poor Atlanta R&B singer sing it before the game. I’ve actually heard some pretty bad O Canada’s in my time. I’ve heard it sung to the tune of what I swear was White Christmas.

> The orca whales on the floor were really fucking cool, no snark.

> Nelly Furtado’s dress, am I right guys? It was like the dress was built around her from blue Saran wrap, and then tightened with one of those vacuum-packing machines you can buy on infomercials.

> At least Nickelback/Avril Lavigne weren’t there.

> The stupid torch: Ahahaha. Alright, this is gonna get picked apart by everyone else in the media, so there’s no point in hammering at this topic for too long, but godDAMN. We prepared 7 years for this, and then when it’s time to perform we can’t get the stupid thing to stand up? (We’ve all been there, AM I RIGHT GUYS) Then we got to watch an awkward, confused, rain-slickened Wayne Gretzky standing in the back of a Chevy pickup truck, plowing through empty Vancouver streets being chased by drunks like this was the opening of the Redneck Games.

Every country on Earth now thinks that Canada is on drugs. We’ll be lucky to host a dog show after this insanity.