Page 21:

WHOA WHOA WHOA, who decided this crap? I can think of SOMEONE BETTER.

Overall Note:

So far in this pamphlet, there’s been at least 7 apologies to various mistreated ethnic groups. I mean, I get why they have to put that stuff, but Jesus, how Canadian is that? Our immigration guide – the booklet that’s meant to convey the main message, the main spirit and most bone-basic history of our country, is a bunch of variations on the sentence “In Year X, Canada committed this injustice. We apologized in 200_.” I mean, when you get the guide to Britain do you really think every page in their book is “We committed this colonial atrocity, our bad, chaps”?

We’re such a friggin’ apologetic country.

Sorry for going on a tangent. It won’t happen again.

READ MORE, I guarantee that at the end you’ll learn something new about Canada that new immigrants are already expected to know!

Page 25:

Oh my God what a crock. They’ve taken the volatile, complex issue of Quebec seperation – the idea that you, new immigrant, might be living in a country that could be literally ripped in half like the dreary Balkan hellhole you escaped – and they’ve turned it into a charming quirk. “Oh, by the way, Frenchies wanna separate, how drole! Just one of those zany, unique things that shapes our country!”

Also not mentioned: The FLQ/October Crisis! And trust me, the rest of this guide ain’t exactly skimping on history, you’d think “Terrorist crisis involving the War Measure Act” would make the cut if there’s enough room for profiles of United Empire Loyalists, bronze-medal sprinters and an explanation of Canadian football.

Page 26:

This is one of the biggest lies in this document.

“Yeah, new immigrant! We totally just sit around in Canada, from coast to coast, cuddling up with our loved ones and watching hit shows like Heartland, Robson Arms and Dragon’s Den. If you want to assimilate with your Canadian friends, instead of discussing the trite and bourgeois programs of America, try saying ‘Hey, did you see the Ron James Show last night?’ or ‘Hey bro, wanna borrow my This Is Wonderland DVD set?’ ”

Page 27:

Can we give this Bell shit up? HE WAS SCOTTISH. HE MOVED TO AMERICA. HE VACATIONED IN CANADA. God, lemme just Wikipedia this for you:

Bell was a British subject throughout his early life in Scotland and later in Canada until 1882, when he became a naturalized citizen of the United States. In 1915, he characterized his status as: “I am not one of those hyphenated Americans who claim allegiance to two countries.”

Of the three nationalities you could call him, Canadian would be a distant third. He vacationed here. Imagine if Mexico had claimed an inventor as a national son if the inventor had come upon an idea while on vacation in Cancun. And he’s our number one inventor that we listed!

Fun fact: Bell died of diabetes! He probably wouldn’t have died if he had some insulin, too bad that wasn’t yet invented by 100% Canadian Frederick Banting, who should be in the guide’s #1 spot.

Page 34:

Crap, I didn’t know there’d be a quiz! Good thing you’ve got an authentic Canadian Politics Blogger(tm) on your side!
ANSWER KEY:

a) DUHHH easy it’s the Prime Minist-wait, what, it’s not?

b) Seriously, can we get back to that first question, I thought I was moving to some first-world self-governing nation, not a quaint colonial berg swearing devotion to an unseen old broad whose German family had enough coups and incest to assume the throne

c) The Bollywood dancing guy I saw on TV, WHAT A HUNK

d) Republican

e) Michael Ig… Ig-na-chef… Ig-na-tee-eff… Ig-na-tchyef… Iggy, his name’s Iggy.

f) Again with the Her Majesty’s shit, why does Her Majesty get involved in the name of the opposition but not any other title in this quiz? Classic Liberal favouritism.

g) I mean, I can’t be expected to know the leader of every single minor political party in Canada. Let’s just go with the major ones. Blair T. Longley, Marijuana Party. Liz White, Animal Alliance Environment Voters Party. Francois “Yo” Gourd, Neorhino. Those are all the ones that come to mind.

h) I can’t have an Ottawa MP, I don’t live in Ottawa. Next.

i) …… Canada.

Page 39:

Eww! Boo! Hiss! Habs! STOP GIVING OUR NOBLE IMMIGRANTS GROSS PROPAGANDA.

Page 41:

OH. HELL. YES. This guide’s officially alright by me.

Also Page 41:

What the hell? Sir John A. Macdonald Day? Sir Wilfrid Laurier Day? Ahaha, what?

Well, that’s a good place to finish off – I learned that there are entire holidays I’m completely unaware of. I’m completely inadequate as a citizen. Oh well!

[Source: The Guide]

Anyways, like anything produced by the Government, it’s come under criticism by groups who… well, groups whose main job is to criticize stuff the Government makes, so that sounds about par for the course. Feminists are saying there aren’t enough ladies, environmentalists are saying there aren’t enough pages about trees, Quebeckers are saying “Tabernac to this” in general.

The last guide was a lot more touchy-feely and liberal, but it hadn’t been updated since 1995 at the height of Chretienmania. (Sidenote: hah, I just Googled the made-up word “Chretienmania“: 6 results! And the first 3 are from a series of unimportant blogs that are probably defunct by now, with the names “National Post”, “Globe and Mail” and “Maclean’s” respectively.) Critics are saying, well, here’s the choice quote, from historian Margaret Conrad:

“It’s kind of like a throwback to the 1950s. It’s a tough, manly country with military and sports heroes that are all men. It’s a tougher Canada than the one the Liberals depicted.”

Oh snap! You can either read that quote as a slam, or as an endorsement. Harper would probably be so proud of his manly, tough, cowboy-style pamphlet that he’ll use Margaret’s blurb as the quote for the dust cover. “Canada: Now Manlier!”

[Note: 2,250 hits for "Harpermania" on Google. Vast Conservative conspiracy?]

Hubbub over manliness aside, let’s look inside this 50-page Canuck Manifesto to see what horrible lies we’re teaching the tired, huddled masses of bright-eyed immigrants whose contributions fuel almost the entirety of our population and economic growth. Let’s take a look inside, shall we?

Page 9:

What the hell? This is one of the first things in the whole pamphlet, right after “Really basic shit about what Canada is” and right before “How to get citizenship”. Never expected the word “genital” in my official immigration guide so swiftly, I guess. It seems like an oddly specific dig, aimed at a specific tiny sub-group of a specific minority, to be putting on page 9, is all.

Anyways, below the welcoming words of “Stay the eff outta mah country, ya hardline Muslim fundies, love, the Conservatives” we get a picture of a heroin junkie getting shot up at her local Vancouver safe injection clinic, and some old people standing in front of some greenish emptiness that could be literally anywhere in our greenish, empty country. NEXT!

Also on Page 9 (It’s a good page!)

So these were those “responsibilities” they warned me about in the pamphlet’s title. Bullshit! As a lifelong Canadian, I say to all new immigrants: really, these are just rough guidelines. Obeying laws? Ehhh, when you have to. Here, right now I’ll break a law, to show the immigrants in the crowd that it’s not hard. Stephen Harper has terrible bladder control, he pees when he sneezes. See that? I just committed libel and possibly treason, and no jackbooted thugs are after me! Canada, what a country.

Getting a job is also highly overrated, if you can just live at home and write blogs and shit.

Jury Duty, if you can’t wiggle your way out of it (pro tip: dress like a hobo during the screening round!) is just an excuse to skip work, drink free coffee and learn about sexy crimes.

If voting were an actual, enforced responsibility, everyone you see around you would be in jail right now.

Volunteering is basically work without pay, which is double bullshit.

And hey, NDP guy I saw complaining in the Globe about this guide never mentioning the environment, they DO mention the environment! It’s RIGHT THERE! Right after the part about “heritage”, which, as we’ll later learn, means “White Christians playing hockey”.

Page 10:

Section about aboriginals – it’s not worth screenshotting, but I just want to mention that they do mention residential schools, so good on ‘em for not trying to cover that up. Although they do close by saying that the Government apologized in 2008, so I guess it’s all good then!

Page 11:

Finally, we get to the “strength through diversity, cultural mosaic” bullshit I’d been waiting for! Anyways, here’s the picture they chose to represent diversity: some pasty ginger kid celebrating the vomit-themed holiday of St Patrick’s Day, some pasty-white kid whose parents forced her into Highland Dance because they thought hip hop was too suggestive, a white kid posed on top of a non-white person of some kind, and a Metis fiddler. The Conservatives really dropped the ball here, how did they let that non-white guy slip in?

I need a break. TO BE CONTINUED IN PART 2!

[Article via Globe & Fail]

[Pamphlet available here]