The talk of the nation is Sun TV News, an upstart Quebecor TV network which people are saying is loosely modeled on the wildly popular, mildly informative Fox News network stateside. The new channel promises to offer a more “conservative, non-politically-correct, fiercely patriotic” take on Canadian affairs. A few questions remain: will the CRTC grant the channel must-carry status, which would force all cable companies to provide it to customers? After rumoured names of everyone from Rick Mercer to Kevin Newman to Ezra Levant, what pundits and personalities will the channel be able to lure? Should we expect the kind of brash, bullying right-wing propaganda that Fox News has become known for, and is that a good thing for Canadian citizens to be exposed to? Is there even a need for another 24-hour Canadian news channel when we’ve already got two, neither of which anyone watch? To help us out, we’ve invited one of Sun TV News’ new on-air pundits, host of the Sun TV News’ flagship “Wolfe Pack Report”, conservative pundit Mr. Horatio Diefenbaker Wolfe!

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ARE YOU READY TO HOWL WITH THE WOLFE PACK?

My name’s Horatio, and I’m a proud Canadian. From Calgary, to Edmonton, all the way to Medicine Hat, I love every part of this Goddamn beautiful nation. Except the French, I’m none too happy with them cheese-suckin’ sons o’ surrender-frogs, but that’s a whole other story that you can read about in my new book: “Queblechh: Arguments for Annexation Straight From The Wolfe-man”, available at all fine booksellers. Fine booksellers except for those dirty lefty commies at Chapters who are probably busy selling gift baskets full o’ Pierre Trudeau memoirs, the Communist Manifesto and CBC miniseries about Toronto’s heroic first gay Chinese abortion doctor.

Anyways, back on topic: Canada is the best country in the history of the world, ever. I like my hockey violent, my beer commercials patriotic, and my Tim Hortons loaded with enough cream and sugar to give a moose a stroke. As host of Sun TV News’ new flagship prime-time news-based-opinion-type broadcast, the Wolfe Pack Report, I’ll be giving you the news straight and unfiltered. That’s right, none of that CBC, Toronto lefty propaganda-pukin’ NDP-votin’ nambly-pambly “politically correct” pile o’ road apples. You’re in the WOLFE’S DEN now, baby!

Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to welcome you on this fine day in 2010. Two-thousand and ten, can you believe it? That’s 2000-some-odd years since baby Jesus Christ was born for your sins. That’s right, on this show I’m not afraid to report on our lord and saviour Jesus Christ, and if ya can’t handle it, grab your remote control and go back to letting Peter Man-lovin’s-bridge indoctrinate you to sleep. Anyways, 2010. That’s 143 years since proud Conservative John A. Macdonald founded this beautiful country, 38 years since Paul Henderson defeated Soviet Communism at the Summit Series, and 6 years since the Lie-beral party gave us the shameful SPONSORSHIP SCANDAL, a black eye from which this nation may never recover. For more information on the Sponsorship Scandal, you’ll want to tune into my new 20-part spin-off documentary-tainment Sun TV News Original Miniseries, “The Cretin and The Frogs: How the Fiberals date-raped your country.”

TAKING A BITE OUT OF THE HEADLINES WITH THE WOLFE-MAN!

I designed this logo myself, cuz I'm the WOLFE-MAN. Where's your logo, MANSBRIDGE?

It’s a great time to be a Canadian, with a great, proud leader in Captain Harper at the helm of the beautiful H.M.C.S. Canada, setting sail for Freedom. But trouble is lurking in the waters, my friends. Have you heard about this Twitter gadget? It’s this website on the internet – the very same internet your children use every day – which lets all sorts of lefties around the world compile their vast liberal conspiracies. This latest thing – have you heard about this, folks? – it’s really no surprise to educated Sun TV News personalities like me, but these Goddamn Euro-trash socialists are trying to use the Twitter to “Tweeter” at our elected leader all of their communist nonsense about increasing taxes. Increasing taxes, you heard me right! They want your MONEY, and that’s how socialism starts, and I’m the only one brave enough to tell you about this! I urge my viewers to boycott the Twitter machine, and if your children start using it, give them a good spanking on behalf of Canadian freedom.

Look, I’ve been reading these rags called newspapers, and it’s making me sicker than Don Cherry at a gay disco full of lousy diving Russians. You want real, hard journalism that doesn’t pull any punches? Then you want Sun TV News original reporting! Look at this fine Sun article. It talks about how the government is out to waste your money. Billions of your dollars, wasted! Why? Silly rules, and also goofy rules! We don’t need your fancy Globe and Fail reporters with your ivory-tower University of Whore-onto degrees, we just talk from the gut about what’s really going on, we use words average Canadians understand, like “silly” and “goofy”, and don’t go into any needless detail about what these rules are or where the report can be found, because details like that are for elitists, and we’re just average blue-collar folks telling you news stories from the heart.

THE WOLFE PACK LOCAL BEAT!

In lighter news, you hear about this earthquake? I guess I’m not the only thing that lasts for 30 seconds and that most women reported not feeling at all, HEYO! Go figure that the earthquake originated on a fault line on the Ontario-Quebec border – even the forces of nature (by which I mean Jesus) are trying to separate them from the rest of this country! If I had my way, the earthquake would’ve ripped the whole province of Quebec off, sending it floating across the ocean over to Europe where they can all have metrosexual, French-speaking poutine-orgies for all I care. All those whiny east coast Toronto and Ottawa types were talking about how scary this big ol’ earthquake was. Are you serious, out here in Real Canada, located in all of the provinces that rhyme with Malberta, we’ll get snowstorms in June that’ll freeze Michael Iffy’s bushy eyebrows off and you don’t see us crying on the Tweeter machine about big scary nature. Heck, the next big natural disaster in this country will probably be caused by some goofy Liberal backbencher wagging his chubby chin and creating so much hot air with his Lie-beral propaganda that the changes in air pressure created from the hot air and cold air mixing will create a tornado in Ottawa. If we’re lucky, it’ll rip through those wimps in Toronto before it loses steam, and you’ll see it all live right here on Sun TV News with our new weather girl, Tittanya O’Leggs.

That’s all for this tasty Timbit of a sample of the Wolfe Pack Report with me, Horatio Wolfe. Join us next week when we’ll discuss what the greatest threat to our nation is: Liberals, the CBC, or the flamboyant un-Canadian sport of soccer.

HaaaWooOOOOOOOooooo!

CLICK FOR FULL SIZE!

Also, for those anglos who don’t get it, see here.

-M

Why must we resort to fighting? Can't we just... dance our differences away?

Georges Laraque is a man born with such God-given badassery that he says “Good luck, man” before casually deciding to enter into a bare-knuckle face-punching contest with a loose acquaintance.

He’s also a vegan who, in semi-retirement, is putting his heft behind the Green Party.

BGL will probably be using his star power in Quebec, where he’s still enough of a big name to star in softcore porn-influenced commercials for alcoholic high-caffeine heart-attacks-in-a-can (here’s the link, in case you enjoy watching videos of sweaty French girls in bikinis play ball hockey, but are afraid to enter those terms into Google on the same computer your girlfriend uses.) Laraque has recently been associated with a shabby, disreputable gang of thugs operating out of Montreal calling themselves the Canadiens, but luckily he’s severed ties with this gang of lowly, widely-reviled trash. (Save the snarky comment, you’ve got nothing on me – my Leafs suck, and at least I know it.) He’ll now be focusing his talents (face-punching, etc.) towards a loosely-associated group of environment-nuts, rebellious teenagers and social Conservatives called the Green Party. It’s debatable whether Conservative Westerners should hold more contempt for him as a Montreal Canadien, as a Green Party spokesman, or as a black guy.

Now, let’s untangle the political connotations. Laraque’s a hockey goon, which is something of an anachronism in the field of modern sports: a man whose entire job is to commit common assault in exchange for millions of dollars, something akin to a mafia hit-man. The hockey goon appeals to the kind of knuckle-dragging, dart-hacking, beef-jerky-chewin’ good ol’ boy whose entire wardrobe consists of t-shirts they’ve gotten from 24-packs of Labatt Blue. And then you’ve got the Green Party, who love animals, the environment, and general topics that our aforementioned good ol’ boy would consider “some kinda queer stuff.” All of this, including a possible run for office by Georges in the future, will be playing itself out in Quebec – an already politically confused climate where the Bloc fights for the good-ol’-habitant vote, pockets of Grits and Tories aim for the masses, the NDP awkwardly fits itself into the fray, and the Greens have a motley crew of lefties and righties telling people to try vegan poutine.

OVERALL CONSEQUENCES: Nothing. You’ll never hear from this story again, Georges probably won’t run for office, but for 15 minutes during a prorogued parliament it was fun for political beat-writers to crank out articles about how a tough hockey guy was joining a bunch of wimpy hippies. Oh, the humourous juxtaposition!

[Source: G&M]