News in Brief(s): Sidney Crosby Edition

Jenn — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 04:37:02 +0000

Our roundup of stories not important enough to merit their own post:

> CROSBY CROSBY HOCKEY HOCKEY SWITZERLAND GOAL WIN SHOOTOUT CANADA CROSBY CROSBY 87 CROSBY. This is what most Canadians are currently discussing – most of them very drunk – so we’ll stick with that theme for every other bullet point.

> Both are also carbon-based, and belong to the scientific class of “mammalian”: Hey, remember Ross Rebagliati? He’s that guy who smoked a ton of weed, then won us a gold medal in the 90s, then lost his medal, then got it back because for God’s sake, he’s a snowboarder, you IOC narcs. Anyways, he’s now a Liberal candidate in BC, and as a Godless bong-toking Monarchy-hating hippie, he’s also a favourite punching back of Tories. Also, Tories like making HIGH-LARIOUS puns about how Rebagliati is always high. Anyways, Jane Taber’s pooped out a bunch of words about how Ignatieff and Rebagliati are basically the same person. Irrefutable proof: both spent time outside of Canada, and both are hip with young people. These two vague descriptions could also describe about a million people other than Iggy and Rebaggy (another similarity: hard-to-spell names!). Justin Bieber is another person who has both travelled outside the country and is liked by young people, so we suggest the Liberals run him as a candidate in the riding of Toronto-Twitter.

> The rumours of his death are greatly exaggerated: Gordon Lightfoot’s not dead, stop twittering it! Lightfoot now joins the illustrious ranks of other celebrities who were rumoured to be dead, like Margaret Thatcher, William Hung, Steve from Blue’s Clues, Britney Spears and Abe Vigoda. (As an aside, I’d give any organ in my body to be in a room with all of those people at once playing Twister.) Anyways, Lightfoot’s alive, so let’s all go to the bar and get more wrecked than the Edmund Fitzgerald.

> SIDNEY CROSBY COULD WIN EVERY GOLD MEDAL IN THE OLYMPICS IF HE TRIED, BUT HE DOESN’T BECAUSE HE’S A REALLY NICE GUY. SIDNEY CROSBY COULD WIN THE MEN’S FIGURE SKATING GOLD BY STANDING PERFECTLY STILL AT CENTRE ICE AND STARING AT THE JUDGES UNTIL THEY CAVED IN.

> Competition tighter than Charles Hamelin’s speedskating suit: Everyone’s pretty much forgotten about this silly “politics” thing recently, what with the much more exciting and attractive people competing in an obscure regional sporting event called the “Olympics”. Anyways, the Grits and Tories are just about statistically tied in the latest polls. The NDP trails with 16.5% of voters, with the Greens and Blocs hovering around 10%.

> SIDNEY “THE SIDNEY CROSBY” CROSBY SHOOTS LIKE A SNIPER, MOVES LIKE A BALLERINA, LAYS DOWN MORE CHECKS THAN BOBBY FISCHER AND HAS MORE FINISHING MOVES THAN SUB-ZERO IN MORTAL KOMBAT.

> And then there’s this: we remarked yesterday that Swiss curling skip Mirjam Ott and US Snowboarder Shaun White look pretty much identical. After the jump, WE’VE CREATED PROOF!

Maple Rag » shaun white