Page 21:

WHOA WHOA WHOA, who decided this crap? I can think of SOMEONE BETTER.

Overall Note:

So far in this pamphlet, there’s been at least 7 apologies to various mistreated ethnic groups. I mean, I get why they have to put that stuff, but Jesus, how Canadian is that? Our immigration guide – the booklet that’s meant to convey the main message, the main spirit and most bone-basic history of our country, is a bunch of variations on the sentence “In Year X, Canada committed this injustice. We apologized in 200_.” I mean, when you get the guide to Britain do you really think every page in their book is “We committed this colonial atrocity, our bad, chaps”?

We’re such a friggin’ apologetic country.

Sorry for going on a tangent. It won’t happen again.

READ MORE, I guarantee that at the end you’ll learn something new about Canada that new immigrants are already expected to know!

Page 25:

Oh my God what a crock. They’ve taken the volatile, complex issue of Quebec seperation – the idea that you, new immigrant, might be living in a country that could be literally ripped in half like the dreary Balkan hellhole you escaped – and they’ve turned it into a charming quirk. “Oh, by the way, Frenchies wanna separate, how drole! Just one of those zany, unique things that shapes our country!”

Also not mentioned: The FLQ/October Crisis! And trust me, the rest of this guide ain’t exactly skimping on history, you’d think “Terrorist crisis involving the War Measure Act” would make the cut if there’s enough room for profiles of United Empire Loyalists, bronze-medal sprinters and an explanation of Canadian football.

Page 26:

This is one of the biggest lies in this document.

“Yeah, new immigrant! We totally just sit around in Canada, from coast to coast, cuddling up with our loved ones and watching hit shows like Heartland, Robson Arms and Dragon’s Den. If you want to assimilate with your Canadian friends, instead of discussing the trite and bourgeois programs of America, try saying ‘Hey, did you see the Ron James Show last night?’ or ‘Hey bro, wanna borrow my This Is Wonderland DVD set?’ ”

Page 27:

Can we give this Bell shit up? HE WAS SCOTTISH. HE MOVED TO AMERICA. HE VACATIONED IN CANADA. God, lemme just Wikipedia this for you:

Bell was a British subject throughout his early life in Scotland and later in Canada until 1882, when he became a naturalized citizen of the United States. In 1915, he characterized his status as: “I am not one of those hyphenated Americans who claim allegiance to two countries.”

Of the three nationalities you could call him, Canadian would be a distant third. He vacationed here. Imagine if Mexico had claimed an inventor as a national son if the inventor had come upon an idea while on vacation in Cancun. And he’s our number one inventor that we listed!

Fun fact: Bell died of diabetes! He probably wouldn’t have died if he had some insulin, too bad that wasn’t yet invented by 100% Canadian Frederick Banting, who should be in the guide’s #1 spot.

Page 34:

Crap, I didn’t know there’d be a quiz! Good thing you’ve got an authentic Canadian Politics Blogger(tm) on your side!
ANSWER KEY:

a) DUHHH easy it’s the Prime Minist-wait, what, it’s not?

b) Seriously, can we get back to that first question, I thought I was moving to some first-world self-governing nation, not a quaint colonial berg swearing devotion to an unseen old broad whose German family had enough coups and incest to assume the throne

c) The Bollywood dancing guy I saw on TV, WHAT A HUNK

d) Republican

e) Michael Ig… Ig-na-chef… Ig-na-tee-eff… Ig-na-tchyef… Iggy, his name’s Iggy.

f) Again with the Her Majesty’s shit, why does Her Majesty get involved in the name of the opposition but not any other title in this quiz? Classic Liberal favouritism.

g) I mean, I can’t be expected to know the leader of every single minor political party in Canada. Let’s just go with the major ones. Blair T. Longley, Marijuana Party. Liz White, Animal Alliance Environment Voters Party. Francois “Yo” Gourd, Neorhino. Those are all the ones that come to mind.

h) I can’t have an Ottawa MP, I don’t live in Ottawa. Next.

i) …… Canada.

Page 39:

Eww! Boo! Hiss! Habs! STOP GIVING OUR NOBLE IMMIGRANTS GROSS PROPAGANDA.

Page 41:

OH. HELL. YES. This guide’s officially alright by me.

Also Page 41:

What the hell? Sir John A. Macdonald Day? Sir Wilfrid Laurier Day? Ahaha, what?

Well, that’s a good place to finish off – I learned that there are entire holidays I’m completely unaware of. I’m completely inadequate as a citizen. Oh well!

[Source: The Guide]