Prime Minister Harper taking part in 90s-era festivities

OTTAWA (CP) – With apparent inspiration from the National Hockey League’s successful Heritage Classic and Winter Classic annual events featuring games played in outdoor settings with nostalgic vintage uniforms, noted hockey fan Prime Minister Stephen Harper has decided to implement a similar festive throwback event within the halls of the Canadian government.

Standing at a podium flanked by neon-green “REFORM in ‘97″ campaign sign, the Prime Minister spoke to the press in a drab, navy blazer with mismatched slacks and a gawdy Reform campaign button, a look reminiscent of the uniforms worn by his party in the 1990s. “Ladies and gentlemen, inspired by the rich nostalgia evoked by the National Hockey League’s commitment to its roots and heritage, I’d like to welcome you to Throwback Day on Parliament Hill,” the Prime Minister said before a pool of reporters.

Harper's throwback inspiration: the uniform the NHL's Calgary Flames will wear in their 2011 Heritage Classic match (not pictured: a wizard yelling "Ten points for Gryffindor!")

“We really thought it was time to get back to our roots in the 90s, to really reconnect with what politics was all about back then,” said a particularly pleased-looking Michael Ignatieff, wearing authentic period garb including a  “young-Tony-Blair-meets-young-Matthew-Perry” shaggy mullet wig, a red Nagano 1998 Roots poor-boy cap and a red Tommy Hilfiger polo shirt. “I’m really getting into this whole 90s thing. I’ve got my copy of the Red Book here signed by Paul Martin, I’ve got Our Lady Peace cranked on my Sony Walkman, I’m having a great time! You can’t stop the Big Red Machine!” said the Liberal leader from what appeared to be a reconstructed set from the 1990s CBC teen current affairs series Jonovision.

“I’ve carefully studied my character based on historical documents from the time period, and today I’m portraying a man named Joe Clark,” said Tony Clement, donning a plain blue one-button suit with a “PC in ‘93″ campaign button. “From what we know about him, he was the leader of an obscure party oxymoronically called Progressive Conservatives, and using some VHS tapes I borrowed from the Canadian Museum of Civilization I’m trying to live life the way historians believe he might have lived.” Staying in character, he then mumbled incoherently about Quebecers with his jowels trembling in outrage.

“This whole throwback shit’s starting to be kind of a pain,” said one NDP aide on conditions of anonymity. “I asked Mr. Layton if he wanted to reschedule an appearance on George Stroumboulopoulos’ show, and it’s like he honestly believed we were back in the 90s - he said that he had no reason to appear on some MuchMusic VJ’s heavy-metal clip show. Then he mumbled something about a meeting with ‘Alexa’ and wandered off.”

Gilles Duceppe, playing the role of Lucien Bouchard, spent the entire day pacing back and forth across Parliament scowling and wearing a combed-over toupée. When asked if we was enjoying the throwback day, the unsmiling Mr. Duceppe scoffed, yelled “VOTEZ ‘OUI‘ EN ‘95!” and punched the reporter in the stomach.

Question Period featured a spirited debate, with Ignatieff’s Liberals on the government side of the aisle fielding questions about the Clarity Act and repealing the GST, Harper’s Reform Party complaining about Eastern Canada favouritism while John Baird struggled to reach Twitter from a 90s-era clunky cellphone the size of a shoebox, and a wetsuit-wearing Stockwell Day complaining that a recent Liberal proposal “was so absurd, it was like something out of a Royal Canadian Air Farce episode. Or Double Exposure.”

At one point Stephen Harper rose to go on a ten-minute rant about the Liberals’ sponsorship scandal, although it was unclear whether he was still acting in character as someone from ten years ago, or speaking in the present.

Parody is obsolete.

“Speech in Canada is now freer, and public debate more wide open than it ever was. The news media – and any blogger at her computer – have a new defence against defamation lawsuits, known as responsible communication in the public interest. No longer is it necessary to prove, in court, the truth of a factual statement. A diligent, fair-minded attempt to verify the truth will be enough.” -Globe&Fail

Oh HELL yes! These mall Santas in Ottawa have just given us an early Christmas present! Now we can shovel buckets of libel onto the steaming blog pile, and as long as we make a half-assed attempt to justify the truthiness of said comments, we’re home free!

In Alberta, baby is called "city pork"

In other news, Stephen Harper eats babies. We’re not being hyperbolic, we think that he actually, truly eats babies, and serves them at Conservative caucus meetings. We’re willing to stake our reputation on this groundbreaking claim. As journalists, we have done our proper research on this topic, rest assured.

Let’s just say we went to a little place called Google – heard of it? Here’s the HARD FACTS we found there:

Results 1 – 10 of about 172,000 for harper eats babies.

We’re also going to use CTV as a source on this one, and a Facebook group with about a hundred members – that’s a hundred proud, taxpaying Canadian citizens, Mr. Harper, all claiming to be aware of this practice and denouncing you for it. Honestly, as all of this evidence mounts I’m surprised that the mainstream media hasn’t been all over this. Rex Murphy, your silence speaks volumes. It took a lowly blog to uncover this factual, non-libelous story.

Your move, Mr. Prime Minister.

(Look forward to NEW, FACTUAL, NON-LIBELOUS statements in the new year! Posting may be sporadic between now and then because, come on, it’s Christmas, stop reading blogs, go be with your dumb family, get drunk, Happy Holidays)

By choosing Stevie as their fashionable posterboy, think of all the male models they were putting out of honest work. Those male models rely on things like Harry Rosen photoshoots to buy the single servings of zero-calorie granola bars that they need to survive. Or is Harper really a dashing, stylish fashionista, and we just hadn’t noticed it? We convened a panel to dish on Steve’s style over the years!

Entry #1: Brokeback Prime Minister

Harper at the Calgary Stampede, 2005

Matt: I wish I could quit you.

Jenn: My favourite part is how miserable he looks. It’s like when parents make their kids dress up in frilly little dresses and mini-tuxedos for weddings and stuff, and the kids just look all mopey and slouched over.

Matt: The hell’s going on with his head? The hat’s so huge and awkward, but his head’s so bulbous and pink, and his neck seems to have disappeared out of shame.

Jenn: Does Colonel Sanders know his tie was stolen?

Matt: Do the Village People know their leather vests were stolen?

Jenn: I wasn’t gonna say anything about the vest, I’m glad you went there. I’m just happy his assless leather chaps aren’t pictured.

Entry #2: Kitty Kitty Bang Bang

Harper with a kitten, definitely not about to eat it, why would you even think that

Jenn: DAMNIT LAUREEN, WHEN I SAID I WANTED A PUSSY PICTURE…

Matt: Oh, ugh, gross, stop, mental images, no.

Jenn: This is the creepiest picture ever. Look at his dead, sunken, blue eyes. Look at the terror in the cat’s eyes. HE’S GOING TO EAT THE CAT.

Matt: Harper showing his “sensitive feminine side” is a whole new level of awkwardness previously unknown to awkwardness scientists. It’s like when your 60-year-old high school math teacher tries to write a “rap” to connect with the kids, and the whole thing is just so soul-crushingly awful that all you can do is just roll your eyes and pretend it doesn’t exist.

Jenn: Yeah, plus, nice popped-collar on that sweater, douche. The whole trying-way-too-hard-to-seem-casual vibe from the unzipped sweater and unbuttoned dress shirt gives this weird vibe that this could be the cover to some forgotten 60s lounge singer’s “romantic classics” record.

Entry #3: Vietdamn

Harper in a traditional Vietnamese tunic at the 2006 APEC summit, Hanoi, Vietnam

MapleBot: ERROR: IDENTICAL IMAGE FOUND ON SERVER:

Matt: Well-said, MapleBot.

Entry #4: The Three Amigos

US President Bush, Mexican President Fox and Canadian Prime Minister Harper at a 2006 NAFTA meeting in Cancun, Mexico

Matt: US President George W. Bush (left) discusses foreign policy with the guy from the Colombian Coffee commercials (centre) and a fly fisherman who somehow got lost on his way to Thunder Bay (right).

Jenn: Honestly, this is NAFTA, not a freaking camping trip. You don’t need to raid Mountain Equipment Co-Op. You don’t need all of those pockets. You’re at a resort in Cancun.

Matt: Harper’s just prepared to look the part in case we travel back in time and the Korean War starts again. Then who’ll be the slick-looking infantryman with the breezy cargo pants and multipurpose flak vest, and who’ll look like the weirdos wearing weather-appropriate neatly-pressed white dress shirts?

Jenn: If you showed this picture to a kid in some far-flung African village who’d never seen a newspaper or owned a television, and you asked them to point at which one of these men looks like the Canadian, they’d score 100%. He’d might as well be wearing a ratty old Tragically Hip trucker hat.

Matt: At least it’s not one of his fucking Bill Cosby-style sweatervests.

Consensus!

Stephen Harper’s horrible fashion sense will single-handedly ruin the once-revered Harry Rosen brand, and rich douchebags will be forced to shop at Banana Republic instead.

[Original article: Globe & Fail]