Did you know that eagles don't have tear ducts? For more information on the bald eagle, contact Hinterland Who's Who's in Ottawa.

September 11th was this past weekend, and unless you sell commemorative airbrushed XXL t-shirts with balds eagle crying American-flag-patterned tears or are Glenn Beck planning another one of your stupid shouty circlejerks for fat old idiots, 9/11 is kind of a shitty, awkward day. I just wish they would skip it and go straight from September 10th to the 12th, like they do with the 13th floor in buildings.

How did our politicians spend the week of 9/11? By accusing each other of secretly being evil Americans! Hey, remember on September 11th – like, the one in 2001, not the date that happens every year – when Americans initially blamed Canada for letting all those terrorists into their country, which we didn’t? In order to show the world that the mistakes of 9/11 will not be commited again, instead of Americans accusing evildoers of having Canadian ties, here are a bunch of stories about Canadians who are accused of having ties to evildoing Americans:

• >> CBC: “The Americans are coming!” CBC opened up a can of worms – a perfectly good can, which in a free world could be lined up and shot with unregistered rifles – with a report on how the NRA, a loose collection of rednecks, weirdos and the late ape-lover Charlton Heston that somehow became a hugely powerful multi-million-dollar lobbying empire, has been meddling in Canadian politics for years. The Tories later responded that the CBC was full of shit. Which leads to:

• >> Liberals to Harper: “Stop being American.” Grit House leader David McGuinty gets into the act, calling out the Conservatives for trying to pound away at divisive wedge issues like the long gun registry just to polarize voters. You know who ELSE used polarizing wedge issues? That’s right, HITL-… I mean, REPUBLICANS. McGuinty, having successfully made his point that Stephen Harper- a politician – used basic political tactics, then ended by slamming down his fists and shouting: “Your honour, given this evidence, I present to the jury that Stephen Harper IS IN FACT the lost bastard son of George Bush and Sarah Palin, I REST MY CASE.”

• >> Conservatives to Ignatieff: “Am not, you are!” Pierre Poilievre, stand-up comedian to the Prime Minister, responded to these charges of his party’s Americanness: “Well like, it takes one to know one, and like, Michael Ignatieff’s the only one hear acting all American, maybe because he like, LIVED IN AMERICA.” At this point Poilievre made an “L” sign with his fingers while mouthing  the word “Loserrrrr.”

• >> MOSQUETARD SIGHTING! This one doesn’t involve a politician, but a Canadian journalist getting involved in the newest incarnation of American failure-groups such as Truthers, Birthers and Teabaggers - a real-life Mosquetard! Except this article isn’t even in the Sun, or in the confused ramblings of an old racist drunk writing on his McDonald’s wrapper – it’s in the somewhat readable Ottawa Citizen! Resident sweaty idiot David Warren farted out a bunch of words about how Herp-Dee-Derp, Dem Muzlins Are Buildin’ A Mosk On The 9/11 Hole STOPTEHMOSK!!1! New twist: this wordy Warren jackass dances around the fact that he thinks building a harmless cultural community centre among hundreds of other religious centres in a massive, multicultural city, is WORSE THAN this moron in Florida who keeps threatening to burn korans. It’s one thing to have ties to the NRA, but David Warren, your ties to the Mosquetard movement are inexcusable.

With the relevation that Homer was the real terrorist, the FBI called off the wiretapping of Apu

First, read this CP piece with a straight face. Alright, alright, get all the chuckles out. There we go.

To recap, Fisheries Minister Gail Shea got pied by the notorious terrorist group Al-Pieda, a group with possible ties to the Talibanana-cream. Honestly, I could just sit here all day and think of puns involving pie and terrorism. But then, the pie-terrorists would have won.

Wait, one more. Tamil Piegers. No? Hezbollemon-meringue? Too much? Alright, just watch the video:

Liberal MP Gerry Byrne (bipartisanship!) wants to know if this brazen act of piessault by PETA constitutes an act of terrorism. Now, on the surface this seems ridiculous, because TV has taught us that getting a pie in the face is an act of light-hearted clownish pranking, while TV also taught us that only brown people can be terrorists.

Alright, let’s figure it out: IS PIEING A POLITICIAN AN ACT OF TERRORISM?

CRITERIA #1: Terrorism is a show of force meant to intimidate and humiliate. It relies on shock appeal and sudden violence to bring about a political message of bullying and fear. Match: Well, yeah, that’s a match. Maclean’s even agrees. And they take pies seriously. TERRORISM!

CRITERIA #2: Terrorism is serious. Match: Eh, not so much. I mean, I wouldn’t enjoy getting a pie in the face, but it’s something of a tradition in Canadian politics. You really haven’t made it as a politician in this country unless you’ve appeared on your local news wiping whipped cream out of your eyes in a confused daze. See also: the Entartistes. NOT TERRORISM!

CRITERIA #3: Terrorism involves horrible cruelty. Match: It was a tofu pie. Eeewwww, good Lord. Give me seal flipper any day, pushing tofu into someone’s open mouth should be defined as cruel and unusual under the Geneva Conventions. TERRORISM!

CRITERIA #4: Terrorists are dicks. Match: Oh, here we go. PETA’s currently $100-million in debt, the only thing that keeps them alive is attention. They’re like real-world internet trolls. PETA Founder Ingrid Newkirk, quoted in the CP piece up top, is batshit crazy. She claims that chicken farming is a worse crime than the Holocaust. They had a campaign where they advocated that college students binge-drink beer rather than milk, claiming beer’s healthier. They’ve distributed pamphlets to kids about fishing called “Your Daddy Kills Animals.” They proposed renaming fish to seakittens, so they’d seem cuter. They’re also massive hypocrites: they end up putting down over 90% of the animals they’ve taken in. The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals have killed over 20,000 pets as of 2008. They liken the very act of pet ownership to slavery. Honestly, am I done? Can I stop now? Yes, PETA are huge dicks. TERRORISM!

CRITERIA #5: It’s generally inappropriate to make puns about terrorism. Match: Even the real news outlets can’t resist a good pie pun. The Maclean’s article was called “No mere question of taste”. I mean, it’s no Al-Pieda, but it’s not the kind of wordplay you’d generally invoke for “30 dead in car bombing.” NOT TERRORISM!

CRITERIA #6: And this is perhaps the most important criteria of all, the real litmus test of whether or not terrorism is involved: Terrorism generally does not involve pie. Match: Pieing generally involves pie. NOT TERRORISM!

So, the panel’s split. Will we ever find out if some starving hippie squishing creamy tofu into a Member of Parliament’s face constitutes an act of terrorism against our nation?

(SPOILER ALERT: Yes we will, it’s not terrorism, what are you an idiot?)

Next time if they come with quiches to the face, I’m ready with a Hamas-and-cheese quip.

Honestly, you see just as much when girls wear TNA pants

What’s the #1 fantasy of all Canadians that doesn’t involve Elisha Cuthbert wearing nothing but a hockey jersey? To have a creepy, ghost-like image of their naked body checked out by some customs officer at the airport! That’s according to a poll that shows a good three-quarters of Canadians are pretty cool about the idea of full body scanners at airports.

Two-thirds of people said they’d rather go through the body scanner than a full-body pat down. The real weirdos, though, are the 18% of people who’d rather be patted down than go through the body scanner. I guess those 18% are the conspiracy nutjobs who think their softcore nude photo is going into some government database with a direct uplink to Stephen Harper’s laptop (in other words, those 18% are average Globe&Mail commenters) but still, who on earth would rather have their sensitive parts grabbed by some dour stranger with a buzzcut instead of standing in front of a painless 7-second X-ray machine?

You'd have the same expression if your job was to look at naked photos of fat, old tourists all day.

This security blitz, in case you’ve been in an alcohol-fueled coma over the past few weeks to escape the holiday season, is a response to the Underwear Bomber, a guy who tried to blow up the bustling, important economic powerhouse that is Detroit by strapping a bomb to his nuts, but only succeeded in setting his ass on fire. (You’re not allowed to find any of this funny, by the way, because TERRORISM IS SERIOUS BUSINESS.) Anyways, this loser blowing his ass off is the reason you’re not allowed to bring magazines onto US-bound flights, why a bunch of morons are saying the US should bomb the hell out of Yemen, and why the Canadian government’s spending in the ballpark of $7.5 million on machines that take pictures of you naked.

There’s debate on exactly how naked these naked photos are. Basically, some underpaid customs officer is going to be looking at your junk. Then again, he’ll probably be looking at a lot of peoples’ junk. After the first day on the job, I’d imagine he’d be fairly desensitized to ghost-like shadows of genitalia.

The government’s gone ahead and ordered a boatload of these scanners for major airports, so if you’ve got issues with the appearance of your private bits, I’d advise a metallic jockstrap.

New customs officer pickup line: “Is that an X-ray of a banana you’re smuggling into the country in violation of the Customs Act, or are you just happy to see me?”

[Source: Globe]